So I haven't written in a while and I am so sorry. While I do believe this blog has allowed me to vent, distress, get some stuff off my shoulders, and just ramble, I also feel horrible for not continuing it like I had been doing before, when I really needed it. I dropped it when I was to busy.
In my defense though, I started back to school, teaching, in a new position and it has been all time, mind, and energy consuming. I'm finally getting into a routine and it feels great. I love my new job and love being able to teach 46 kindergarteners each day. They are learning and growing every second, just like our little guy.....
You heard that correctly, we are growing a little man! I guessed it would be a boy, but Mr. E. thought girl. I am one of two girls, and I have four girl cousins and one boy cousin, so boys weren't really our thing. The first thing my mom said was, "what are we going to do with a boy". I was initially offended, obviously, but I was definitely nervously thinking that!
Guess it will just be new for all of us!
I don't even know where to begin but that we are 28 weeks, going on 29. I honestly didn't know if we would or could ever get to this point but somehow here we are. About 2 months ago I finally let myself begin to process that we may, I repeat, may have a baby with us. In the fertility world, or maybe just my world, I am and was so nervous that if I believed in a cycle or pregnancy that I would jinx it and it wouldn't happen. I can truthfully say now that as I feel him move and kick around that there is a great possibility that this may really happen!
So let's back track......
I continued to spot through 15 weeks then it slowly stared to tapper off. All of our testing (quad p, 13 week, and 20 week) has come back normal so that is a huge relief.
At 23 weeks we think I lost my mucus plug as I had some chunks come out on that Sunday. I didn't call until Monday where they rushed me in, did a few cultures, and set me up on the fetal monitoring thing and sure enough I was having contractions. I spend the afternoon in labor and delivery (l&d) and my fetal fibronectine (fft) came back positive. Apparently a negative is a better indicator and what they are looking for, as it means you won't deliver in the next 7-10 days, a positive means you have a 20% chance of delivering, so not good but also not the end of the world.
I then got a shot to stop the contractions and it worked. Everything was still closed and high so I went home with minimal directions but to go directly back if I had more than 5 contractions in an hour.
Well........ We returned that Wednesday, two days later, because I was having about 6 an hour. I got another shot, another positive fft, but everything was closed and high, thank goodness. While I contracted once after the shot I was sent home to rest but not be on bed rest.
I went to the doctor the next Monday and we concluded that this will probably just be my new normal. I will have these contractions for the rest of the pregnancy and unless I have a lot of pressure or bleeding it is probably ok. So since then I've been having them pretty regularly at about 6-20 minutes apart and there doesn't seem to be a rhyme or reason.
While I threw the word braxton hicks out there one doctor said yes, my doctor said probably. In all honesty I wish that he would just say yes because that would make me feel better! I see him at my next apt so I'll press him for an answer!
Medically that's about all I have, we started the nursery after the scare, neither Mr. E. nor I wanted to start it because we were nervous we would jinx it, but we did. We have one shower in two weeks and then another in December. It's truly a dream to be here , where we are today...... And I thank god everyday.
Tuesday, November 4, 2014
Wednesday, July 23, 2014
IVF # 2 13w5d
I think we are finally over the spotting phase, although there is still a small spot of blood in my uterus. On Thursday night, so two days after my last ultra, the red gushing started again, however this time it lasted all night and into the morning. I can't believe I lasted all night and into the morning without calling but I guess I'm getting better with it all!?!?
I was able to sneak into the doctors office and baby a's sac appeared to have ruptured and baby b was doing well. Thank goodness!
Then on Tuesday I had my last official RE appointment and I have now officially graduated from them to my OB! I cannot believe we are at this point. I literally thought that I would never carry a baby to this point, but here we are.
Now don't get me wrong, every single morning I wake up and think that I will lose this baby, I still stress about each twinge, cramp, or pain that I feel. I still can barely let my mind get to the point of the future. But my head is finally allowing my brain to drift a bit into future thoughts. It's exciting but so scary at the same time.
The plan: I went to the OB Monday, so before getting released from the immunologist/RE, and he was awesome. He said I could come in weekly if that would help, or whatever I needed to feel confident with this pregnancy. I feel so much more comfortable switching to them then I thought I would. I am going to try and be strong and wait two weeks, but knowing I can call for a quick heart rate check helps sooooo much!
On a side note my best friend, who was three weeks behind me with her first (after only 2 months of trying...... I was so jealous) just found out she lost their baby. She had a d&c today and I just feel horrible because I know the hurt from the loss of an angel... Please keep them in your thoughts and prayers
I was able to sneak into the doctors office and baby a's sac appeared to have ruptured and baby b was doing well. Thank goodness!
Then on Tuesday I had my last official RE appointment and I have now officially graduated from them to my OB! I cannot believe we are at this point. I literally thought that I would never carry a baby to this point, but here we are.
Now don't get me wrong, every single morning I wake up and think that I will lose this baby, I still stress about each twinge, cramp, or pain that I feel. I still can barely let my mind get to the point of the future. But my head is finally allowing my brain to drift a bit into future thoughts. It's exciting but so scary at the same time.
The plan: I went to the OB Monday, so before getting released from the immunologist/RE, and he was awesome. He said I could come in weekly if that would help, or whatever I needed to feel confident with this pregnancy. I feel so much more comfortable switching to them then I thought I would. I am going to try and be strong and wait two weeks, but knowing I can call for a quick heart rate check helps sooooo much!
On a side note my best friend, who was three weeks behind me with her first (after only 2 months of trying...... I was so jealous) just found out she lost their baby. She had a d&c today and I just feel horrible because I know the hurt from the loss of an angel... Please keep them in your thoughts and prayers
Thursday, July 17, 2014
IVF #2 13 weeks!
This past week has proved to be yet another stressful week.
On Friday I started spotting brown again, but the nurse had said that it would probably continue to happen as baby a's sac continues to drain. So fine I try not to freak out but I went to the bathroom like every hour........ Day and night....
Then Sunday night I start gushing bright red. I had gone to the bathroom and the entire toilet was red. I cleaned up then went to explain to Mr. E. what was going on and all of a sudden I felt another gush coming. I ran to the bathroom and it happened again however when I wipes again it was brown....... So odd
I waited a few more minutes went back and it was only red when I wiped so I broke down and called the nurse on call and thank goodness it was a nurse from the immunologists office so I didn't need to explain much. She said the same old same old....... She suspected baby a but obviously she wasn't 100% positive as she can't see what is going on.
So I held tight and and waited until the morning and then called the office. They said I could come in on Monday or wait for my appointment Tuesday, which is what I did.
Everything was perfect on the ultra and baby b was jumping around like crazy so that was reassuring. They are pretty positive the spotting, both brown and red, are baby a and once the sac is gone the spotting should stop. It's still happening today, which will make it a week of straight spotting, but as long as that baby is growing and still living I'm fine with spotting.
We are still waiting on the anatomy scan bloodwork to come back but everything on the ultra looked good. I meet with my OB next week however am not released from the immunologist yet, which again, I am fine with. They know what to look for and they know the risk factors.
On Friday I started spotting brown again, but the nurse had said that it would probably continue to happen as baby a's sac continues to drain. So fine I try not to freak out but I went to the bathroom like every hour........ Day and night....
Then Sunday night I start gushing bright red. I had gone to the bathroom and the entire toilet was red. I cleaned up then went to explain to Mr. E. what was going on and all of a sudden I felt another gush coming. I ran to the bathroom and it happened again however when I wipes again it was brown....... So odd
I waited a few more minutes went back and it was only red when I wiped so I broke down and called the nurse on call and thank goodness it was a nurse from the immunologists office so I didn't need to explain much. She said the same old same old....... She suspected baby a but obviously she wasn't 100% positive as she can't see what is going on.
So I held tight and and waited until the morning and then called the office. They said I could come in on Monday or wait for my appointment Tuesday, which is what I did.
Everything was perfect on the ultra and baby b was jumping around like crazy so that was reassuring. They are pretty positive the spotting, both brown and red, are baby a and once the sac is gone the spotting should stop. It's still happening today, which will make it a week of straight spotting, but as long as that baby is growing and still living I'm fine with spotting.
We are still waiting on the anatomy scan bloodwork to come back but everything on the ultra looked good. I meet with my OB next week however am not released from the immunologist yet, which again, I am fine with. They know what to look for and they know the risk factors.
Wednesday, July 9, 2014
IVF #2 11w5d
Longest ultrasound ever until I finally looked at the nurse, I couldn't see the doctor who was doing it because she was below the paper sheet, but I just looked at her after what felt like 10 minutes and she gave me a thumbs up! Both my mom and I started balling, and they let us hear the heart beat instead of just seeing it. Then Mr. E came in and we got to see the baby dancing around! It was so cool.
Baby a's sac is sitting right on my cervix, which in turn is causing the brown spotting. They said to expect more and not to worry if it continues to happen, yeah right!
I spoke to the immunologist about getting into my OB for an anatomy scan, because it has to be done between 12-13 weeks and she said to do it, even though I am not released from them yet. I called and scheduled it, but before I can see the OB I have to see a nurse THEN I can see the doctor.
I almost lost it on the poor lady scheduling my apts. I get that they have a procedure, however I see a doctor weekly right now, is it really necessary to see the nurse....... If they are going to do blood work like betas, progesterone, and estrogen I am going to refuse, I can give them the last 3 months labs.......
I was super annoyed but whatever!
So I see the nurse tomorrow, then Friday I have the anatomy scan, next Tuesday I go to the immunologist for maybe my last time, and then the following Monday see my OB! Everything is moving quickly and I'm anxious for it all to happen!
Baby a's sac is sitting right on my cervix, which in turn is causing the brown spotting. They said to expect more and not to worry if it continues to happen, yeah right!
I spoke to the immunologist about getting into my OB for an anatomy scan, because it has to be done between 12-13 weeks and she said to do it, even though I am not released from them yet. I called and scheduled it, but before I can see the OB I have to see a nurse THEN I can see the doctor.
I almost lost it on the poor lady scheduling my apts. I get that they have a procedure, however I see a doctor weekly right now, is it really necessary to see the nurse....... If they are going to do blood work like betas, progesterone, and estrogen I am going to refuse, I can give them the last 3 months labs.......
I was super annoyed but whatever!
So I see the nurse tomorrow, then Friday I have the anatomy scan, next Tuesday I go to the immunologist for maybe my last time, and then the following Monday see my OB! Everything is moving quickly and I'm anxious for it all to happen!
Saturday, July 5, 2014
IVF #2 10w6d
Happy 4th of July! I am sorry I didn't write earlier but we were supposed to leave from my ultrasound and drive straight up to Michigan however I needed to get some blood drawn for my gastro (from all the diarrhea) so we went home to do that. It's just been a crazy few days.
Ultra went well baby's hb was 154 and moving around so the doc couldn't get a very good measurement on it. She said all looks good so we will just run with that.
I was stating to feel really good about it all, maybe this actually will work, maybe we will for once be able to have a living child.... But that feeling lasted about 48 hours until I woke up with spotting again...... Thought my world was ending.
I immediately called, they were closed, so I thought I would just wait. It was brown so that meant old blood, but it was also clotty which I didn't like. So I ended up calling the answering service and then a nurse called me back. She was sweet, actually the head IVF nurse, and said just to take it easy, lay down, feet up, which should alleviate some pressure on the cervix and uterus so that's what I tired to do.
I still have a bit more today but it seems to be lessening, thank goodness!
I know that I won't be comfortable or believe it until this baby is out, if that is how this is going to end....
Nervously waiting until Wednesday
Ultra went well baby's hb was 154 and moving around so the doc couldn't get a very good measurement on it. She said all looks good so we will just run with that.
I was stating to feel really good about it all, maybe this actually will work, maybe we will for once be able to have a living child.... But that feeling lasted about 48 hours until I woke up with spotting again...... Thought my world was ending.
I immediately called, they were closed, so I thought I would just wait. It was brown so that meant old blood, but it was also clotty which I didn't like. So I ended up calling the answering service and then a nurse called me back. She was sweet, actually the head IVF nurse, and said just to take it easy, lay down, feet up, which should alleviate some pressure on the cervix and uterus so that's what I tired to do.
I still have a bit more today but it seems to be lessening, thank goodness!
I know that I won't be comfortable or believe it until this baby is out, if that is how this is going to end....
Nervously waiting until Wednesday
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
IVF #2 9w6d
Yet again I thought I our baby was doomed. I feel great, I have had VERY minimal nausea, no morning sickness, and I am just tired! While I am so thankful for this perk, it makes me so nervous each week when I go in for my ultrasound because it could be the day that we lose this pregnancy too.
I also have had horrible diarrhea since Saturday and some sharp lower abdominal cramping that usually turns into gas, but still.......
Everything looked great, baby b's heart rate was 171 bpm and grew exactly one week. Baby a is starting to reabsorb but the sac is still exactly the same. Not sure when that will completely be gone.
We are officially stopping estrogen patches, progesterone, and prednisone which is great news, but of course that makes me nervous!
We are still checking NK killers each week and APA to hopefully stop the lovenox. For the NK killers my level did rise last week (11 so on the upper side of normal) so we may need another infusion after this week.
I will go to they immunologist through 12 weeks then be released to my OB, however I will need to have the NK killer checked each month to make sure it's all ok!
I also have had horrible diarrhea since Saturday and some sharp lower abdominal cramping that usually turns into gas, but still.......
Everything looked great, baby b's heart rate was 171 bpm and grew exactly one week. Baby a is starting to reabsorb but the sac is still exactly the same. Not sure when that will completely be gone.
We are officially stopping estrogen patches, progesterone, and prednisone which is great news, but of course that makes me nervous!
We are still checking NK killers each week and APA to hopefully stop the lovenox. For the NK killers my level did rise last week (11 so on the upper side of normal) so we may need another infusion after this week.
I will go to they immunologist through 12 weeks then be released to my OB, however I will need to have the NK killer checked each month to make sure it's all ok!
Tuesday, June 17, 2014
IVF #2 8w5d
I'm not 100% sure but I think I pee when the magic wand is inserted!!!!! Is that normal!?!? Obviously no one says anything and I am NOT asking, but just wanted to throw that out there!
Today went well, I was a nervous wreck as usual, but our baby b is growing perfectly and the heartrate was 174 so right on track! It is still measuring three days behind but they said not to worry as it is growing exactly on par per weeks. The doctor said if everything continues to go as perfectly as it is now (thank God) that we can start to taper off meds next week! Baby a has stopped growing but still there :( no heartbeat as is the slight bleeding that is probably being absorbed because I haven't had any more spotting.
I am so happy but still have this crazy fear that something is going to happen. I still don't think I will be ok until this baby is in my arms and that is so sad.
My whole life all I have wanted is to be a mom, be pregnant, and love every second of it. I am so on edge at all times, I analyze the toilet paper, and cringe at every cramp.......I feel awesome so that makes me nervous and I haven't had any morning sickness, which again is great but makes me even more anxious........
I know I need to relax and take it one day at a time but wayyyyyy easier said than done!
We go back next week Wednesday so until then...... I'll try to be zen!
Today went well, I was a nervous wreck as usual, but our baby b is growing perfectly and the heartrate was 174 so right on track! It is still measuring three days behind but they said not to worry as it is growing exactly on par per weeks. The doctor said if everything continues to go as perfectly as it is now (thank God) that we can start to taper off meds next week! Baby a has stopped growing but still there :( no heartbeat as is the slight bleeding that is probably being absorbed because I haven't had any more spotting.
I am so happy but still have this crazy fear that something is going to happen. I still don't think I will be ok until this baby is in my arms and that is so sad.
My whole life all I have wanted is to be a mom, be pregnant, and love every second of it. I am so on edge at all times, I analyze the toilet paper, and cringe at every cramp.......I feel awesome so that makes me nervous and I haven't had any morning sickness, which again is great but makes me even more anxious........
I know I need to relax and take it one day at a time but wayyyyyy easier said than done!
We go back next week Wednesday so until then...... I'll try to be zen!
Tuesday, June 10, 2014
IVF #2 7w5d Bittersweet
Bittersweet is the combination of bitterness, which seems to be a common trend in our life lately, and sweetness, which we are only beginning to taste.
Today was bitter because baby A no longer has a heart rate and probably stopped growing about four days ago :(
Today was sweet because baby b is growing perfectly with a strong heartbeat.
I feel so torn.....
While I knew that our "luck" would be running out at some point, because let's be honest when you reach the IF world most of your "luck" is gone, but I just wished it wouldn't be at the expense of a growing baby.
I feel like my body has once again betrayed me, but what else is new......
On the flip side, I do feel so happy to have baby b growing and thriving and that is what I need to continue to focus on.
I do still have quite a bit of blood around baby a which the immunologist said will either continue to drain out or will be reabsorbed by my body as well as baby a.
I go back in a week for another scan and maybe we can stop the lovenox due to the bleeding.
Today was bitter because baby A no longer has a heart rate and probably stopped growing about four days ago :(
Today was sweet because baby b is growing perfectly with a strong heartbeat.
I feel so torn.....
While I knew that our "luck" would be running out at some point, because let's be honest when you reach the IF world most of your "luck" is gone, but I just wished it wouldn't be at the expense of a growing baby.
I feel like my body has once again betrayed me, but what else is new......
On the flip side, I do feel so happy to have baby b growing and thriving and that is what I need to continue to focus on.
I do still have quite a bit of blood around baby a which the immunologist said will either continue to drain out or will be reabsorbed by my body as well as baby a.
I go back in a week for another scan and maybe we can stop the lovenox due to the bleeding.
Wednesday, June 4, 2014
IVF # 2 6w6d
Oh my, today was so very stressful.
I went to the restroom around 10:15 and there was some brown spotting on the tp and brown clots..... I almost died. I immediately called the immunologist's nurse as the doctor is out of town. I had to leave a message which killed me but she called back within 15 minutes, thank goodness.
She said there wasn't much to do but hold tight unless I wanted to go into the other office (original) but she didn't recommend that. I then told her that I had to, especially because we are going out of town for the weekend.
She called the other office and then they called me. I left work immediately and went. I was certain it was over, that we had lost both. I cried the whole way there then had to wait like 30 minutes but.... Both babies are there with almost exactly the same heart rate! They are measuring one day apart and four days behind, but they weren't too concerned with the sizes as they both had heart beats. I almost fell off the table.
I do have some bleeding in my uterus around baby A and will need to take it very easy over the next few days, which is actually possible because school ended today!
Until I get to see these babies again on Tuesday I will be sitting on pins and needles......
I went to the restroom around 10:15 and there was some brown spotting on the tp and brown clots..... I almost died. I immediately called the immunologist's nurse as the doctor is out of town. I had to leave a message which killed me but she called back within 15 minutes, thank goodness.
She said there wasn't much to do but hold tight unless I wanted to go into the other office (original) but she didn't recommend that. I then told her that I had to, especially because we are going out of town for the weekend.
She called the other office and then they called me. I left work immediately and went. I was certain it was over, that we had lost both. I cried the whole way there then had to wait like 30 minutes but.... Both babies are there with almost exactly the same heart rate! They are measuring one day apart and four days behind, but they weren't too concerned with the sizes as they both had heart beats. I almost fell off the table.
I do have some bleeding in my uterus around baby A and will need to take it very easy over the next few days, which is actually possible because school ended today!
Until I get to see these babies again on Tuesday I will be sitting on pins and needles......
Thursday, May 29, 2014
IVF # 2 6 Weeks
Ok so we didn't lose the pregnancy and we saw a heartbeat! It was a glorious moment and one more step closer to delivering a living child!
On a side note there was another baby (baby A) measuring about a week behind so the doctor says that it is not viable and will not effect the other baby (baby B) at all. Mr. E asked if there was any way the other baby A would make it and the doctor said it's very unlikely, but we are just so glad to have the one! It's hard to be upset when we didn't even know there were two!
My big question is at what point do you stop worrying? I still am so nervous about everything I do, every cramp, twing, or weird pressure AND I still look for blood every.single.time.i.go.to.the.bathroom!
I said that I was very nervous to the doctor and she said that I should be since it's our fifth pregnancy with so many losses and in some sick way that put me at ease..... I like that she gets it, there is no sugar coating or hand holding, just straight facts. I really like her, however I don't like the location of the office! The nurses said that both doctors, my original and the immunologist, want to monitor me so they are going to have to have a conversation of who will be doing it.
Now we wait 10 loooooooooong days until our next ultra/blood!
Today ended up being a much better day than I had expected and another milestone checked off!
On a side note there was another baby (baby A) measuring about a week behind so the doctor says that it is not viable and will not effect the other baby (baby B) at all. Mr. E asked if there was any way the other baby A would make it and the doctor said it's very unlikely, but we are just so glad to have the one! It's hard to be upset when we didn't even know there were two!
My big question is at what point do you stop worrying? I still am so nervous about everything I do, every cramp, twing, or weird pressure AND I still look for blood every.single.time.i.go.to.the.bathroom!
I said that I was very nervous to the doctor and she said that I should be since it's our fifth pregnancy with so many losses and in some sick way that put me at ease..... I like that she gets it, there is no sugar coating or hand holding, just straight facts. I really like her, however I don't like the location of the office! The nurses said that both doctors, my original and the immunologist, want to monitor me so they are going to have to have a conversation of who will be doing it.
Now we wait 10 loooooooooong days until our next ultra/blood!
Today ended up being a much better day than I had expected and another milestone checked off!
Tuesday, May 27, 2014
IVF # 2 5w5d
Our second beta last Wednesday more than doubled, so that up was a great relief, but......... I'm convinced we lost this pregnancy...
No I have no proof
No I haven't had any spotting
No there is no real explanation but just pure fear.....
I just feel it. My boobs aren't as sore as I remember them being BUT I have horrible indigestion that I didn't have the last pregnancy that was about this long. I am having some strong lower abdominal pain/cramping only at night BUT then I have gas and it is relieved for a bit, so maybe I'm just being paranoid. I guess I'd rather prepare for the worst than have my heart ripped out of my body yet again.
I still haven't looked up our estimated due date (edd), I literally cannot bring myself to do that because then it will be real. I also am trying to think one day at a time, but that is just way more difficult than I thought.
I go back Thursday for my next ultra/blood and I am so uneasy.
Please Lord let this one stick and give me the streghth and courage to get to Thursday.
No I have no proof
No I haven't had any spotting
No there is no real explanation but just pure fear.....
I just feel it. My boobs aren't as sore as I remember them being BUT I have horrible indigestion that I didn't have the last pregnancy that was about this long. I am having some strong lower abdominal pain/cramping only at night BUT then I have gas and it is relieved for a bit, so maybe I'm just being paranoid. I guess I'd rather prepare for the worst than have my heart ripped out of my body yet again.
I still haven't looked up our estimated due date (edd), I literally cannot bring myself to do that because then it will be real. I also am trying to think one day at a time, but that is just way more difficult than I thought.
I go back Thursday for my next ultra/blood and I am so uneasy.
Please Lord let this one stick and give me the streghth and courage to get to Thursday.
Tuesday, May 20, 2014
IVF #2 Reproductive Immunologist Consultation
Intralipids...... Yes I just had my first infusion. We didn't know if I 100% needed it or not but the labs take a week to come back so we just bit the bullet and did it. The infusion will help keep the NK killers at bay if they are elevated. We were too nervous not to do it and then run the risk of losing this pregnancy over doing it and not ending up needing it. It won't hurt anything if I didn't need it but it can only help if I did!
I really liked the doctor, she was great. Also the nurses were amazing! We got to see our singleton bean! Measuring right on track, 4 weeks 5 days! Didn't look like much, but it felt good to see that we have an implantation success and now we just have to get that number to double then I will hopefully be able to breath a bit more easier!
Our plan to move forward is that I need to go see this doctor every......... Single....... Week until the first trimester is over. They want to check blood every week along with ultrasounds to ensure everything is going ok..
Only bad part is that the office is an hour away. I guess it's good that this is happening now because I will only have to take off one more 1/2 day then it will be summer so we should be good! Now I have to go figure out which in network lab will do this certain blood test so that we don't have to pay out of pocket........ Let's the games begin!
I really liked the doctor, she was great. Also the nurses were amazing! We got to see our singleton bean! Measuring right on track, 4 weeks 5 days! Didn't look like much, but it felt good to see that we have an implantation success and now we just have to get that number to double then I will hopefully be able to breath a bit more easier!
Our plan to move forward is that I need to go see this doctor every......... Single....... Week until the first trimester is over. They want to check blood every week along with ultrasounds to ensure everything is going ok..
Only bad part is that the office is an hour away. I guess it's good that this is happening now because I will only have to take off one more 1/2 day then it will be summer so we should be good! Now I have to go figure out which in network lab will do this certain blood test so that we don't have to pay out of pocket........ Let's the games begin!
Monday, May 19, 2014
IVF #2 Beta #1
Beta is in.......... 377.4
I was certain this cycle was a bust. I have been POAS since Thursday and the lines haven't been getting drastically darker. So that still has me a bit nervous but I am just going to take one day at a time. Today I am thankful that I have the honor of having one (or two) blasties hopefully growing! I get to go back Wednesday to see what my numbers are doing.
In the mean time, tomorrow I am going to see the reproductive immunologist and then Wednesday afternoon I go meet with the endocrinologist. My tsh was 2.35, so it's rising but still in the normal range so I'm going to have them test again soon.
I of course am overcome with pure terror that we will lose them, but this seems to be a stronger number than we have had in the past so maybe, just maybe this is the one.
Now I just need nine more months of good news..........
I was certain this cycle was a bust. I have been POAS since Thursday and the lines haven't been getting drastically darker. So that still has me a bit nervous but I am just going to take one day at a time. Today I am thankful that I have the honor of having one (or two) blasties hopefully growing! I get to go back Wednesday to see what my numbers are doing.
In the mean time, tomorrow I am going to see the reproductive immunologist and then Wednesday afternoon I go meet with the endocrinologist. My tsh was 2.35, so it's rising but still in the normal range so I'm going to have them test again soon.
I of course am overcome with pure terror that we will lose them, but this seems to be a stronger number than we have had in the past so maybe, just maybe this is the one.
Now I just need nine more months of good news..........
Friday, May 9, 2014
IVF #2 3dp5dt
I never thought I was going to be able to say 5dt, but BAM, there it is!
Pretty cool
I stalked the doctors to get my exact numbers for the RPL panel and it looks like only three tests came up abnormal
-anti TPO antibodies 494 (0-35)
-CD4- t helpers. 58.9 ( normal 30-52)
-NK cell activatn. 11.3 (normal 10)
The last two aren't too high but they are elevated, so hopefully the prednisone will help.
I am going to meet with the immunologist RE in my practice on 5/20, a day after my beta. Of course I have been scrounging the internet for all the information that I can get my hands or rather eyes on and there isn't much out there. The good news is that the NK cells seem to be ok as I have found numerous ranges that state that 12 is still considered normal so I will just wait until I hear what the doctor has to say.
Pretty cool
I stalked the doctors to get my exact numbers for the RPL panel and it looks like only three tests came up abnormal
-anti TPO antibodies 494 (0-35)
-CD4- t helpers. 58.9 ( normal 30-52)
-NK cell activatn. 11.3 (normal 10)
The last two aren't too high but they are elevated, so hopefully the prednisone will help.
I am going to meet with the immunologist RE in my practice on 5/20, a day after my beta. Of course I have been scrounging the internet for all the information that I can get my hands or rather eyes on and there isn't much out there. The good news is that the NK cells seem to be ok as I have found numerous ranges that state that 12 is still considered normal so I will just wait until I hear what the doctor has to say.
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
IVF #2 Frosties
Really good news!
The embryologist just called and we have two blastocysts going to freeze! Yesterday we were so torn as to if we did the right thing only transferring two, but I can confidently say today that I know we did. We really hadn't wanted to only freeze one but now we get to freeze two!
One is of great quality, one is fair but she said they have seen a lot of fair embryos make beautiful children, so that is fab!! I'll take it!!!
Ok now back to my lazy day
The embryologist just called and we have two blastocysts going to freeze! Yesterday we were so torn as to if we did the right thing only transferring two, but I can confidently say today that I know we did. We really hadn't wanted to only freeze one but now we get to freeze two!
One is of great quality, one is fair but she said they have seen a lot of fair embryos make beautiful children, so that is fab!! I'll take it!!!
Ok now back to my lazy day
Tuesday, May 6, 2014
IVF #2 Transfer
Alright..... Today was a bit stressful.
For starters the embryologist's don't look at the embryos until the day of the transfer, so that meant that we showed up today with no further update than we had six fertilized eggs. Being the pessimist I am, I was positive we wouldn't have any eggs left so I was so nervous until we saw a picture of two blastocysts on the paper. Relief only lasted a few more seconds
We then found out we had one more egg (total of three) that was in the day 4 stages/day of growth. Fabulous! She then went on to explain that they would continue to grow it until tomorrow then freeze.
Here's the report ended up retrieving 8 eggs/6 mature/6 fertilized/2-3 blastocysts at day 5/ transferred 2 day 5
Mr. E. and I had already decided that if we were in this situation we would prefer to transfer all three, however the head embryologist and our doctor said they both highly discouraged us to do this. I'll get back to the head embryologist in a different post, but we were both so very torn with what to do.
On one hand we knew triplet would be a huge commitment, but we could do twins. The twins rate when transferring two is one in five transfers and when you transfer three the twins rate goes up to four in five transfers, but the last couple of transfers they did with three ended up in triplets.
So....... We only transferred two. I am still torn with this decision.
If we would have had four it would have been a clear - use two, freeze two, but that's not the hand we were dealt.
We are going to wait until day 6 to see if the last egg continues to grow and turn into a blastocyst then they will call us and we will freeze it.
My reasoning behind transferring all three was
1.) The last one is already behind, who knows if it will make it so why not just transfer it and see what happens.
2.) We have already lost so much why not try all three and maybe one will stick
3.) Freezing is so expensive is it worth only freezing one? Would we even want to transfer only one? What if we do freeze and it doesn't thaw did we just waste a baby?
When I came out from the transfer the first thing Mr. E. Said was "was that the right decision!" I hope we made the right decision
For now PUPO.......
For starters the embryologist's don't look at the embryos until the day of the transfer, so that meant that we showed up today with no further update than we had six fertilized eggs. Being the pessimist I am, I was positive we wouldn't have any eggs left so I was so nervous until we saw a picture of two blastocysts on the paper. Relief only lasted a few more seconds
We then found out we had one more egg (total of three) that was in the day 4 stages/day of growth. Fabulous! She then went on to explain that they would continue to grow it until tomorrow then freeze.
Here's the report ended up retrieving 8 eggs/6 mature/6 fertilized/2-3 blastocysts at day 5/ transferred 2 day 5
Mr. E. and I had already decided that if we were in this situation we would prefer to transfer all three, however the head embryologist and our doctor said they both highly discouraged us to do this. I'll get back to the head embryologist in a different post, but we were both so very torn with what to do.
On one hand we knew triplet would be a huge commitment, but we could do twins. The twins rate when transferring two is one in five transfers and when you transfer three the twins rate goes up to four in five transfers, but the last couple of transfers they did with three ended up in triplets.
So....... We only transferred two. I am still torn with this decision.
If we would have had four it would have been a clear - use two, freeze two, but that's not the hand we were dealt.
We are going to wait until day 6 to see if the last egg continues to grow and turn into a blastocyst then they will call us and we will freeze it.
My reasoning behind transferring all three was
1.) The last one is already behind, who knows if it will make it so why not just transfer it and see what happens.
2.) We have already lost so much why not try all three and maybe one will stick
3.) Freezing is so expensive is it worth only freezing one? Would we even want to transfer only one? What if we do freeze and it doesn't thaw did we just waste a baby?
When I came out from the transfer the first thing Mr. E. Said was "was that the right decision!" I hope we made the right decision
For now PUPO.......
Thursday, May 1, 2014
IVF #2 Retrieval
Back home resting after the ER. The IV was a horrible experience, my left thumb and pointer finger are still numb...... I was so mad at the nurse, but on the good side we got 7 eggs, which is two more than last time, so that is a positive.
Now we wait for the phone call in how many were mature and how many fertilized.
I'm not having much pain from the actual procedure, just having a lot of lower abdominal cramping which is different than the last time.
I am feeling really nervous about all of this. I think I am most fearful of it not working, or losing another one. I just hate that there are no guarantees...... But that's life
Literally going to be sitting by my phone waiting........
Now we wait for the phone call in how many were mature and how many fertilized.
I'm not having much pain from the actual procedure, just having a lot of lower abdominal cramping which is different than the last time.
I am feeling really nervous about all of this. I think I am most fearful of it not working, or losing another one. I just hate that there are no guarantees...... But that's life
Literally going to be sitting by my phone waiting........
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
IVF #2 Trigger
Today is the day. We get to trigger tonight at 11 and ER is Thursday at 10! Feels good to know what is going on.
My estrogen is lower that last time, but I have more visible eggs!?! Don't get that as the mature eggs produce the estrogen but I'll just go with it.
My estrogen is lower that last time, but I have more visible eggs!?! Don't get that as the mature eggs produce the estrogen but I'll just go with it.
Monday, April 28, 2014
IVF # 2 Stim Day 11
One
More
Night
This morning the nurse said she was 99% sure that I would trigger tonight........... But in typical fashion, nothing goes as planned and I will be stimming one more night, tonight, then triggering tomorrow.
That biotch, estrogen, didn't rise as much as it should have, so waiting it is.
I am pretty frustrated because I love to know what is going on in my life, in fact you may say I have a type a personality. I love control, I love to be able to plan, obses over the numbers, and use goggle to analyze every number that I get.
This whole process has stripped that ability to control away from me. While I still obses, plan, and analyze, I am not able to control. I know that this is the biggest issue that I have to work on but it is soooooo hard to not try.
With that being said, I know I have to trust. I have to trust that the doctors know what to do. I am not a doctor, nor am I a medical researcher. I know that we want more eggs, so holding out until more mature is the right answer, but I also don't want to lose any.
Trust....... Trust....... Trust....
Same regiment
PM
300 Bravelle
225 Menopur
40 mg Lovenox
Baby aspirin
250 Ganirelix
More
Night
This morning the nurse said she was 99% sure that I would trigger tonight........... But in typical fashion, nothing goes as planned and I will be stimming one more night, tonight, then triggering tomorrow.
That biotch, estrogen, didn't rise as much as it should have, so waiting it is.
I am pretty frustrated because I love to know what is going on in my life, in fact you may say I have a type a personality. I love control, I love to be able to plan, obses over the numbers, and use goggle to analyze every number that I get.
This whole process has stripped that ability to control away from me. While I still obses, plan, and analyze, I am not able to control. I know that this is the biggest issue that I have to work on but it is soooooo hard to not try.
With that being said, I know I have to trust. I have to trust that the doctors know what to do. I am not a doctor, nor am I a medical researcher. I know that we want more eggs, so holding out until more mature is the right answer, but I also don't want to lose any.
Trust....... Trust....... Trust....
Same regiment
PM
300 Bravelle
225 Menopur
40 mg Lovenox
Baby aspirin
250 Ganirelix
Sunday, April 27, 2014
IVF # 2 Stim Day 10
Estrogen........ Why! So annoying. I have to Stim one more night but I don't know why I let myself think that maybe, just maybe I could be done earlier rather than later. I am going to have to come to the realization that I may be stimming for a long time again......... Please no!
Back to the clinic tomorrow at 7 :/ Same meds so that's all I've got for now!
PM
300 Bravelle
225 Menopur
40 mg Lovenox
Baby aspirin
250 Ganirelix
Back to the clinic tomorrow at 7 :/ Same meds so that's all I've got for now!
PM
300 Bravelle
225 Menopur
40 mg Lovenox
Baby aspirin
250 Ganirelix
Saturday, April 26, 2014
IVF #2 Stim Day 9
Got my AMH back and we are back in business, 1.31! That is better than it was before my lap, which brought it down to 0.31, I'll take it! Now we just need my RPL labs to come back normal, I'm getting nervous! We already had all karyotyping and that was normal so that is great! Keep the good news coming for 9 months and I'll be happy!
Got my labs back, guess what!?!? Estrogen still low but everything's growing so that is good! Stimming another night then back for blood and ultra tomorrow here's the details
PM
300 Bravelle
225 Menopur
40 mg Lovenox
Baby aspirin
250 Ganirelix
Got my labs back, guess what!?!? Estrogen still low but everything's growing so that is good! Stimming another night then back for blood and ultra tomorrow here's the details
PM
300 Bravelle
225 Menopur
40 mg Lovenox
Baby aspirin
250 Ganirelix
Friday, April 25, 2014
IVF #2 Stim Day 8
Everything is going along well, estrogen still being a bitch and not rising that quickly but seems like that is status quo around here. On a plus, it looks like all eggs are responding and all measuring between 15 and 8 so that is really good!
Tonight we added ganirelix to help slow down the larger eggs so the smaller ones can catch up! The more the merrier!
We are still waiting on the RPL results and my AMH. I am excited and nervous to know the results but we need to figure out what is going on, good or bad. I go back tomorrow for blood and ultrasound!
PM
300 Bravelle
225 Menopur
40 mg Lovenox
Baby aspirin
250 Ganirelix
Tonight we added ganirelix to help slow down the larger eggs so the smaller ones can catch up! The more the merrier!
We are still waiting on the RPL results and my AMH. I am excited and nervous to know the results but we need to figure out what is going on, good or bad. I go back tomorrow for blood and ultrasound!
PM
300 Bravelle
225 Menopur
40 mg Lovenox
Baby aspirin
250 Ganirelix
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
IVF #2 Stim Days 4-7
So looks like things are going better then the last cycle, so far at least. Now that doesn't mean much but I'm a bit more hopeful.
Staying on the same dosage until Thursday!
PM
300 Bravelle
225 Menopur
40 mg Lovenox
Baby aspirin
Staying on the same dosage until Thursday!
PM
300 Bravelle
225 Menopur
40 mg Lovenox
Baby aspirin
Saturday, April 19, 2014
IVF #2 Stim Day 1-3
Today is stim day one. I am hopeful that this will be our miracle cycle, but realistic that it may not :/
We just got back from a graduation party for one of our friends and there were three newborns there. I feel exhausted from having to smile, ask questions, and hold back my sobs that I wanted to cry for the short hour and a half I was there.
I wanted to stay to hang out with our friends who to be honest, I have been avoiding for months, but I couldn't take one more second of it. I feel horrible and so sad that I had to leave but I was about to lose it.
Our closest friends know some of what is going on so they were very respectful and didn't say anything, thank The Lord, but it was just sad. I felt resentful, mad, and overwhelmed that all of these people could have children so easily and we have been working so hard.
I am not telling anyone that we are doing another ivf except for my parents and one friend at school who did ivf and teaches across the hallway from me. She has been such a great support throughout all of this for me and is always so on top of what is going on, asking how things are going and how I'm feeling.
This cycle we are changing things up and doing a short flare protocol. My regiment is
PM
300 Bravelle
225 Menopur
40 mg Lovenox
Baby aspirin
Then I also take a prenatal, zinc, folic acid, and DHEA.
We just got back from a graduation party for one of our friends and there were three newborns there. I feel exhausted from having to smile, ask questions, and hold back my sobs that I wanted to cry for the short hour and a half I was there.
I wanted to stay to hang out with our friends who to be honest, I have been avoiding for months, but I couldn't take one more second of it. I feel horrible and so sad that I had to leave but I was about to lose it.
Our closest friends know some of what is going on so they were very respectful and didn't say anything, thank The Lord, but it was just sad. I felt resentful, mad, and overwhelmed that all of these people could have children so easily and we have been working so hard.
I am not telling anyone that we are doing another ivf except for my parents and one friend at school who did ivf and teaches across the hallway from me. She has been such a great support throughout all of this for me and is always so on top of what is going on, asking how things are going and how I'm feeling.
This cycle we are changing things up and doing a short flare protocol. My regiment is
PM
300 Bravelle
225 Menopur
40 mg Lovenox
Baby aspirin
Then I also take a prenatal, zinc, folic acid, and DHEA.
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
IUI #5
We didn't really have an iui so I guess this cycle will just be called half-ass! We ended up triggering Saturday night, March 29th, at 7pm and the cab picked us up for vacation at 12:15 am, Sunday March 30th! Obviously we didn't do an iui, just au natural and as I expected, it was a big fat negative. Why would it have worked? We tried the natural route minus the medicine for 13 months before the RE's route.
I just have no more words (as hard as that may be to believe). Just annoyed, frustrated, pissed, feel like its so unfair, but in some sick way I'm somehow looking forward to moving onto IVF #2.
Anyways, we spent a magical week in Puerto Vallarta, 82 degrees and sunny everyday. It was just what the doctor ordered........ except for the negative beta :/
I think everyone should go away right after a cycle because I truly felt alive and normal again. I could walk around and not have anyone wondering if this would finally be our month, no one was asking how I was with an awkward pause because what they really meant is what is really going on, and no one looking at me with sad eyes.
Today when I went for my beta I asked about the recurrent pregnancy loss panel (RPL). I thought that I had completed it all but couldn't find the results in my portal or place where all my blood work gets posted. When I asked the nurse she said I only had about five done so I requested that I have the complete panel done.
The great thing about being with this larger clinic is that one of the doctor is a reproductive immunologist so I also asked if I should consult with her. The nurse said that she would ask but that they would probably run the rpl panel then when I get pregnant we would consult with the other doctor. I'm going to ask again when I talk to the nurse again tomorrow, but that's the plan for now.
When we spoke with the doctor after our loss we decided to do a short flare protocol to see how I respond to that, so I have to call the IVF coordinator tomorrow and hopefully know more then.
I just have no more words (as hard as that may be to believe). Just annoyed, frustrated, pissed, feel like its so unfair, but in some sick way I'm somehow looking forward to moving onto IVF #2.
Anyways, we spent a magical week in Puerto Vallarta, 82 degrees and sunny everyday. It was just what the doctor ordered........ except for the negative beta :/
I think everyone should go away right after a cycle because I truly felt alive and normal again. I could walk around and not have anyone wondering if this would finally be our month, no one was asking how I was with an awkward pause because what they really meant is what is really going on, and no one looking at me with sad eyes.
Today when I went for my beta I asked about the recurrent pregnancy loss panel (RPL). I thought that I had completed it all but couldn't find the results in my portal or place where all my blood work gets posted. When I asked the nurse she said I only had about five done so I requested that I have the complete panel done.
The great thing about being with this larger clinic is that one of the doctor is a reproductive immunologist so I also asked if I should consult with her. The nurse said that she would ask but that they would probably run the rpl panel then when I get pregnant we would consult with the other doctor. I'm going to ask again when I talk to the nurse again tomorrow, but that's the plan for now.
When we spoke with the doctor after our loss we decided to do a short flare protocol to see how I respond to that, so I have to call the IVF coordinator tomorrow and hopefully know more then.
Monday, March 17, 2014
What's next you may ask!?!?
I have been holding off on posting what is going on because to be quite honest, I didn't know. We had our consult with the RE last week Tuesday and he said that this was an implantation failure and it could have been numerous different reasons all of which are possible, but all of which will never be known.
In moving forward we could have done an IVF cycle this month, but we are going on vacation and it would be too close in terms of timing. When we left the office I was okay with the idea that we would take a month off, ttc the good old fashioned way, and just bd when it was time.
Yea well that lasted all of 24 hours before I had talked myself into trying to squeeze in an IUI before we leave. If it all doesn't work out we can always just do TI after trigger. So today I went in for baselines and started menopur again.
I don't know if this is the right answer
I don't know if my body can handle it
I don't know if emotionally I can do this
I don't know if this cycle will result in a live birth
but I do know that not trying would be more difficult than failing again.
This cycle was kinda thrown together half-assly (if that's not a word then sorry) but nonetheless we are going full force ahead! I think I would rather have a lot of shitty months in a row then alot of shitty months spread out, so that's my reasoning for now, it's what's getting me up in the morning and it's what helps me fall asleep at night. We shell see!
In moving forward we could have done an IVF cycle this month, but we are going on vacation and it would be too close in terms of timing. When we left the office I was okay with the idea that we would take a month off, ttc the good old fashioned way, and just bd when it was time.
Yea well that lasted all of 24 hours before I had talked myself into trying to squeeze in an IUI before we leave. If it all doesn't work out we can always just do TI after trigger. So today I went in for baselines and started menopur again.
I don't know if this is the right answer
I don't know if my body can handle it
I don't know if emotionally I can do this
I don't know if this cycle will result in a live birth
but I do know that not trying would be more difficult than failing again.
This cycle was kinda thrown together half-assly (if that's not a word then sorry) but nonetheless we are going full force ahead! I think I would rather have a lot of shitty months in a row then alot of shitty months spread out, so that's my reasoning for now, it's what's getting me up in the morning and it's what helps me fall asleep at night. We shell see!
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
Pissy
When you go through a loss it seems like the people who you want to think will be the most supportive usually tend to be the least supportive and end up making you feel worse. Why is that? Usually my mom would be the #1 colpurat, but after consoling me four times she's actually getting the hang of it!
Case #1 my best friend. I told her tonight that we had another chemical pregnancy, or early miscarriage for those who aren't in the fertility world, and the first thing she said is thank you for not telling me be it is so hard for me. So rude is all I was thinking but what I said was I can only imagine how hard this is for her but I need people to talk to about this. Clearly I was being the selfish one for sharing very personal, difficult information with her and asking for support. I texted her today and cleared up the misunderstanding.
Case #2 religious family members - I hate the saying God has a plan don't worry. I do worry, and I don't like Gods plan. This hurts like hell to have a precious gift from Him that is so quickly given and then taken away
I am probably still being hormonal (heck technically I'm still pregnant which sucks) and crazy and I apologize, but until you've been in these shoes back the fuck off and be respectful. If you don't know what to say, google it, there are no excuses anymore, look it up there are numerous great articles out there.
Love
Pissy, shitty, and hormonal Mrs. E
Case #1 my best friend. I told her tonight that we had another chemical pregnancy, or early miscarriage for those who aren't in the fertility world, and the first thing she said is thank you for not telling me be it is so hard for me. So rude is all I was thinking but what I said was I can only imagine how hard this is for her but I need people to talk to about this. Clearly I was being the selfish one for sharing very personal, difficult information with her and asking for support. I texted her today and cleared up the misunderstanding.
Case #2 religious family members - I hate the saying God has a plan don't worry. I do worry, and I don't like Gods plan. This hurts like hell to have a precious gift from Him that is so quickly given and then taken away
I am probably still being hormonal (heck technically I'm still pregnant which sucks) and crazy and I apologize, but until you've been in these shoes back the fuck off and be respectful. If you don't know what to say, google it, there are no excuses anymore, look it up there are numerous great articles out there.
Love
Pissy, shitty, and hormonal Mrs. E
Monday, March 10, 2014
IVF #1 Chemical Pregnancy :( :(
That title gets a double sad face :(
another
chemical
pregnancy.
All my numbers are tail spinning down and............I started spotting yesterday so looks like AF is right around the corner. I knew it was coming after my conversation with the nurse on Friday, but it ain't over (at least to me) until the Ivf nurse sings, and she sang.
I always hold out a little bit of hope that I will have that weird, totally unbelievable story, that defies all rules and logic, but no such luck and it still just as painful.
I thought I would be better emotionally, knowing that losing the pregnancy was the most logical outcome, but it was and is just as hard.
I feel ok one second then devastated the next, then sick to my stomach, then stable, then so upset, then I cry, then I'm back to ok.
Luckily, I was able to get in for a consult tomorrow so we should have some sort of an answer and hopefully a plan for what's next.
another
chemical
pregnancy.
All my numbers are tail spinning down and............I started spotting yesterday so looks like AF is right around the corner. I knew it was coming after my conversation with the nurse on Friday, but it ain't over (at least to me) until the Ivf nurse sings, and she sang.
I always hold out a little bit of hope that I will have that weird, totally unbelievable story, that defies all rules and logic, but no such luck and it still just as painful.
I thought I would be better emotionally, knowing that losing the pregnancy was the most logical outcome, but it was and is just as hard.
I feel ok one second then devastated the next, then sick to my stomach, then stable, then so upset, then I cry, then I'm back to ok.
Luckily, I was able to get in for a consult tomorrow so we should have some sort of an answer and hopefully a plan for what's next.
Friday, March 7, 2014
IVF #1 Second beta :(
Just got off the phone worth the nurse, hcg dropped from 180.9 to 119.2, estrodial went up from 1454 to 1527, and progesterone went down from 79.2 to 46.76.
The nurse said that since I started out so high to think positive, maybe it's a twin that didn't take, but I know what this means. Another chemical pregnancy.
Literally I am so sad.
I thought either we wouldn't get pregnant or we would and we would carry to term. I didn't even run this option through my head because there is no way I would be able to handle another loss, but here we go again.
I asked if I could come in Sunday because I know they are there, she said no weekends are only for monitoring, so I have to wait until Monday and we will do another hcg.
Literally
Can't
Comprehend
It
:(
The nurse said that since I started out so high to think positive, maybe it's a twin that didn't take, but I know what this means. Another chemical pregnancy.
Literally I am so sad.
I thought either we wouldn't get pregnant or we would and we would carry to term. I didn't even run this option through my head because there is no way I would be able to handle another loss, but here we go again.
I asked if I could come in Sunday because I know they are there, she said no weekends are only for monitoring, so I have to wait until Monday and we will do another hcg.
Literally
Can't
Comprehend
It
:(
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
IVF #1 Beta
So, these two weeks were much longer than I had anticipated. I spent hours scouring the internet for all sorts of things. I feel like my anxiety was at bay, most of the time, and I was as calm as I could be. Each minute felt like it took an hour, but it's finally over.
We are officially pregnant!
With that being said it is sooooo hard to be excited. We have been down this road (of positive betas,) three times before and all have ended in loss. I think it's fair to say that we are apprehensively optimistic (with huge smiles).
I keep trying to see the glass half full and if you haven't lost a child before you can't understand how difficult it is to be pregnant again, it's just so difficult. Obviously I was ecstatic the first few minutes on the phone with the nurse but then reality sunk in. It's so painful to get your hopes up and have them ripped away from you over and over again. Every cramp or twing I feel I think of the losses, every time I go to the bathroom I am expecting red on the toilet paper.
I want so badly to feel the same way as our first pregnancy, naive, excited, and planning the next few years of our lives, but I can't do that to myself anymore, it's too painful. So until I see that heartbeat........... apprehensively optomistic it is!
We are officially pregnant!
With that being said it is sooooo hard to be excited. We have been down this road (of positive betas,) three times before and all have ended in loss. I think it's fair to say that we are apprehensively optimistic (with huge smiles).
I keep trying to see the glass half full and if you haven't lost a child before you can't understand how difficult it is to be pregnant again, it's just so difficult. Obviously I was ecstatic the first few minutes on the phone with the nurse but then reality sunk in. It's so painful to get your hopes up and have them ripped away from you over and over again. Every cramp or twing I feel I think of the losses, every time I go to the bathroom I am expecting red on the toilet paper.
I want so badly to feel the same way as our first pregnancy, naive, excited, and planning the next few years of our lives, but I can't do that to myself anymore, it's too painful. So until I see that heartbeat........... apprehensively optomistic it is!
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
IVF #1 Transfer!
We had our three days transfer today! The doctor wanted five day transfer, but I said I would be too disappointed if we waited until five and had none so he "let" us do a three. When I asked what his reasoning was for a five day the nurse had no explanation so I asked her to please ask if I could do a three day and she said she would. If I had four plus then I would have been more comfortable with a five day, but I only had what I had. They didn't have a report on what/how many had made it bc new literature came out that the more you look and move the embryos there is a lesser chance of splitting. I almost screamed in the phone that the literature that I had read said to do a three day transfer if you had less than four, but I didn't and got my way!
I had to repeat to myself over and over again that there is nothing I could do over the last few days. Probably said it 200 times!
The actual transfer wasn't bad at all! Not peeing on the doctor, now that was bad but I made it. The first pee after was a-mazing!
Now the big news both, meaning two, great quality embryos were transfered. I fully understand that doesn't mean that both will implant but it makes me feel so much better knowing that we have a slightly higher chance of having ONE healthy baby!
Tonight we had to do two big needle shots, one hcg and one progesterone and I almost passed out, not fun! Guess we are PUPO and so happy about it!
I had to repeat to myself over and over again that there is nothing I could do over the last few days. Probably said it 200 times!
The actual transfer wasn't bad at all! Not peeing on the doctor, now that was bad but I made it. The first pee after was a-mazing!
Now the big news both, meaning two, great quality embryos were transfered. I fully understand that doesn't mean that both will implant but it makes me feel so much better knowing that we have a slightly higher chance of having ONE healthy baby!
Tonight we had to do two big needle shots, one hcg and one progesterone and I almost passed out, not fun! Guess we are PUPO and so happy about it!
Sunday, February 16, 2014
IVF #1 Retrieval
Ta daaaaaa, we triggered Friday night at 10 and it wasn't half as bad as I anticipated it to be. Then next day however I was rather sore! Mr. E did a great job and I was so proud of how he handled it!
I tried to stay busy yesterday and off the internet, because it only increases my anxiety about all of this. Mr. E has a pretty bad cold so we laid low Friday night and Saturday but it was nice to relax and have no obligations.
Today I woke up at 6:43, showered, and then we headed out to the egg retrieval. It was so calm, easy, and quick, that is after they got the IV in! Luckily I had a great nurse who got the IV in on the first time! I was very nervous about that but he did awesome. We were the only people there and it felt very special to have the entire facility to ourselves! The actual procedure was simple, they did a "timeout" and then I was out! It was a bit awkward putting my legs up in the very wide stirrups with nothing covering me, but how many lady parts do those people see, hundreds so mine isn't any different. Then I woke up in the recliner and about an hour later we left! I did have a bit of cramping on my right but nothing more than a 6 so I'll take it. Now I'm having a bit more cramping. Very minimal bleeding.
When we were walking out they said we got five eggs and we will know tomorrow how many were mature and fertilized. We will then do a 2-5 day transfer, tomorrow is day one. Very excited and nervous about all that is to come but only time will tell!
Oh and here's our med list for the next few days until transfer, then a whole new regiment!
-Heparin am and pm
-Aspirin pm
-Antibiotic am and pm
-Starting Tuesday PIO pm
I tried to stay busy yesterday and off the internet, because it only increases my anxiety about all of this. Mr. E has a pretty bad cold so we laid low Friday night and Saturday but it was nice to relax and have no obligations.
Today I woke up at 6:43, showered, and then we headed out to the egg retrieval. It was so calm, easy, and quick, that is after they got the IV in! Luckily I had a great nurse who got the IV in on the first time! I was very nervous about that but he did awesome. We were the only people there and it felt very special to have the entire facility to ourselves! The actual procedure was simple, they did a "timeout" and then I was out! It was a bit awkward putting my legs up in the very wide stirrups with nothing covering me, but how many lady parts do those people see, hundreds so mine isn't any different. Then I woke up in the recliner and about an hour later we left! I did have a bit of cramping on my right but nothing more than a 6 so I'll take it. Now I'm having a bit more cramping. Very minimal bleeding.
When we were walking out they said we got five eggs and we will know tomorrow how many were mature and fertilized. We will then do a 2-5 day transfer, tomorrow is day one. Very excited and nervous about all that is to come but only time will tell!
Oh and here's our med list for the next few days until transfer, then a whole new regiment!
-Heparin am and pm
-Aspirin pm
-Antibiotic am and pm
-Starting Tuesday PIO pm
Friday, February 14, 2014
IVF # 1 Trigger
T. R. I. G. G. E. R!
Finally after 14 days of stims, 82 shots, and many sleepless nights I get to inject myself (I should give credit where credit is due, Mr. E will be doing this) with a 1 1/2 inch needle in the derrière!
Best. Valentines. Day. Gift. Ever
The shot needs to be taken at EXACTLY 10 pm then ER is scheduled for Sunday at 9! I am so excited, hopeful, and feel like it can't be real! I called Mr E as soon as I heard I could hear the apprehension in his voice. I asked why he wasn't as happy as I was and he said it was too hard to keep getting excited and being let down :( I totally understand but I'm just so thankful to be moving forward it makes me literally cry, and I mean literally I did!
I'm a little nervous about the shot but I have had it three times at the doctors office so I'll live! Can't wait!
Finally after 14 days of stims, 82 shots, and many sleepless nights I get to inject myself (I should give credit where credit is due, Mr. E will be doing this) with a 1 1/2 inch needle in the derrière!
Best. Valentines. Day. Gift. Ever
The shot needs to be taken at EXACTLY 10 pm then ER is scheduled for Sunday at 9! I am so excited, hopeful, and feel like it can't be real! I called Mr E as soon as I heard I could hear the apprehension in his voice. I asked why he wasn't as happy as I was and he said it was too hard to keep getting excited and being let down :( I totally understand but I'm just so thankful to be moving forward it makes me literally cry, and I mean literally I did!
I'm a little nervous about the shot but I have had it three times at the doctors office so I'll live! Can't wait!
Thursday, February 13, 2014
IVF #1 Stim Day 14
I feel like a negative nelly but I don't know how women stim for 18-20 days! One. More. Day., as of 3:30 pm today, but who the heck knows anymore! I'm fresh out of menopur, so let's hope I don't need more! Heres tonight then I go back tomorrow for more wand fun!
AM
-5,000 u/ml Heprin
PM
-5 u lupron
-150 menopur
-225 folllistim
-5,000 Heprin
-baby aspirin
AM
-5,000 u/ml Heprin
PM
-5 u lupron
-150 menopur
-225 folllistim
-5,000 Heprin
-baby aspirin
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
IVF #1 Stim Day 13
So today was a bit better in terms of results! I had six follies on my right, 18.8, 17.4, 11, 10 x 2, & 7, then three on left, 14, 13, & 7. Estrogen was 706 which is slowing down. Nurse said we will prob get 4-5 which is better than three like I thought! Here's my regiment for tonight then back tomorrow for blood/ultra and hopefully trigger at night!
AM
-5,000 u/ml Heprin
PM
-5 u lupron
-150 menopur
-225 folllistim
-5,000 Heprin
-baby aspirin
AM
-5,000 u/ml Heprin
PM
-5 u lupron
-150 menopur
-225 folllistim
-5,000 Heprin
-baby aspirin
Monday, February 10, 2014
IVF #1 Stim Days 11-12
Here's the deal...... After eleven days of stimming, with five shots a day, totaling 55(!) drum roll please.................. I have two more days of stims! So frustrated, discouraged and upset. I think I'd feel better about all of this if I had like 20 follicles, but I only have on average six total :( and three dominant. I really hope I can even do an egg retrieval! No one at the office seems to be worried, I mean they just keep saying the doctor reviewed your results and he wants you to continue with the same meds. So here they are, not that I haven't posted this exact recipe like five times.
AM
-5,000 u/ml Heprin
PM
-5 u lupron
-150 menopur
-225 folllistim
-5,000 Heprin
-baby aspirin
Estrogen is 410, so at least it's still rising.
AM
-5,000 u/ml Heprin
PM
-5 u lupron
-150 menopur
-225 folllistim
-5,000 Heprin
-baby aspirin
Estrogen is 410, so at least it's still rising.
Saturday, February 8, 2014
IVF#1 Stim Days 8-10
Staying the same as far as dosage but hoping that this slow and steady course I keep hearing about is going to pay off bc I just wanna get this show on the road already!!!!! I had four follies on my right ovary ranging from 11-6 and three on my left ranging from 8-6. I really hope that when I go back Monday that there will be more strong follicles. Here's my next few days.
AM
-5,000 u/ml Heprin
PM
-5 u lupron
-150 menopur
-225 folllistim
-5,000 Heprin
-baby aspirin
Oh and more good news, my estrogen went up to 106 so feeling less stressed about that!
AM
-5,000 u/ml Heprin
PM
-5 u lupron
-150 menopur
-225 folllistim
-5,000 Heprin
-baby aspirin
Oh and more good news, my estrogen went up to 106 so feeling less stressed about that!
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
IVF #1 Stim Days 6-7
Stim days six and seven! Got my instructions late, but I'm glad that we are changing some things. I went up on follistim so I feel better about things! Here's what the next few days look like.....
AM
-5,000 u/ml Heprin
PM
-5 u lupron
-150 menopur
-225 follistim
-5,000 Heprin
-baby aspirin
I'm still super tired at night, but that's welcome bc it's better than not being able to sleep. I did get my estrogen back today and it went up to 37! That's more than double, so I feel reassured that things are moving in the right direction. I asked the nurse and she said I'll probably stim longer than 8 days, but that it is totally normal and ok! Feeling good today! I go back Friday for blood and the magic wand.
AM
-5,000 u/ml Heprin
PM
-5 u lupron
-150 menopur
-225 follistim
-5,000 Heprin
-baby aspirin
I'm still super tired at night, but that's welcome bc it's better than not being able to sleep. I did get my estrogen back today and it went up to 37! That's more than double, so I feel reassured that things are moving in the right direction. I asked the nurse and she said I'll probably stim longer than 8 days, but that it is totally normal and ok! Feeling good today! I go back Friday for blood and the magic wand.
Monday, February 3, 2014
IVF #1 Stim Days 4-5
Stim days four and five! Everything stays the exact same till the next ultra/blood work on Wednesday!
AM
-5,000 u/ml Heprin
PM
-5 u lupron
-150 menopur
-150 folllistim
-5,000 Heprin
-baby aspirin
Not much new here just really tired! I did get my estrogen back and it's only a 5 after three nights of stims. I hope that's ok! Will chat later!
AM
-5,000 u/ml Heprin
PM
-5 u lupron
-150 menopur
-150 folllistim
-5,000 Heprin
-baby aspirin
Not much new here just really tired! I did get my estrogen back and it's only a 5 after three nights of stims. I hope that's ok! Will chat later!
Saturday, February 1, 2014
IVF #1 Stim Day 1-3
Stim day one, well actually two! I can't believe it is finally here! I am excited, nervous, and anxious to see how this goes. I was soooo nervous I would have a huge cyst, but so far cyst free! Here is the first few days schedule until I go back Monday.
AM
-5,000 u/ml Heprin
PM
-5 u lupron
-150 menopur
-150 folllistim
-5,000 Heprin
-baby aspirin
I am so anxious (mostly that's just my personality) to get dates for ER and actually know what is going on in my life for a few days. I have literally run every possible date through my calendars and checked and cross checked dates, it can be exhausting. The only date I am not looking at is due date bc I am also superstitious that I will jinx something. With that being said, we are right on par to be at the exact, and I mean to the hour, of the dates of our first of three pregnancies that we lost :( it's sad and comforting all at the same time. So basically I know the potential due date ;) That's all that's going on in my neck of the woods.
AM
-5,000 u/ml Heprin
PM
-5 u lupron
-150 menopur
-150 folllistim
-5,000 Heprin
-baby aspirin
I am so anxious (mostly that's just my personality) to get dates for ER and actually know what is going on in my life for a few days. I have literally run every possible date through my calendars and checked and cross checked dates, it can be exhausting. The only date I am not looking at is due date bc I am also superstitious that I will jinx something. With that being said, we are right on par to be at the exact, and I mean to the hour, of the dates of our first of three pregnancies that we lost :( it's sad and comforting all at the same time. So basically I know the potential due date ;) That's all that's going on in my neck of the woods.
Saturday, January 25, 2014
IVF #1
I officially took the last bcp last night! I am beyond excited and nervous to get this show on the road. I have to admit that I used to be prettified of needles. I think it's fair to say that I have gotten better, I administer all of my injections that go in my tummy, but I am still very nervous to do the PIO! I watched a few videos last night and think I'm feeling a bit more confident, especially if someone can administer it to themselves, it can't be that bad. I guess only time will tell.
Now we just have to wait for AF then go in for baseline blood and ultra (aka my old friend magic wand)!
Now we just have to wait for AF then go in for baseline blood and ultra (aka my old friend magic wand)!
Sunday, January 19, 2014
Waving the White Flag
I cannot believe I am willfully taking Lupron again, but as of 20 minutes ago I did my first injection. I'm panicking a bit due to the last shall we say, rough relationship Lupron and I had. However I'm hoping that since it's part of our protocol (for Ivf) I will be able to tolerate it a bit more (but in all reality am fully prepared to be crazy for the next few weeks, sorry Mr. E!)
We met with the Ivf coordinator last Wednesday to sign the mountainous stack of paperwork. We also got the much anticipated calendar, but unfortunately it only had the next two weeks, which consist of bcp's and lupron. On the brighter side with a new month, we will have a new regiment of meds and hopefully know if we will get our rainbow.
I am so excited to begin all of this, but feel a sad ache in my heart for the realization that we are where we are. No woman ever anticipates that they will have to do this scary infertility stuff to have a healthy child, which ironically is what our bodies were intended to do. It's been hard for me to relinquish control, as that is one of my biggest battles in my life but I've realized that me controlling things has brought me to this exact moment and point, so...........I surrender!
We met with the Ivf coordinator last Wednesday to sign the mountainous stack of paperwork. We also got the much anticipated calendar, but unfortunately it only had the next two weeks, which consist of bcp's and lupron. On the brighter side with a new month, we will have a new regiment of meds and hopefully know if we will get our rainbow.
I am so excited to begin all of this, but feel a sad ache in my heart for the realization that we are where we are. No woman ever anticipates that they will have to do this scary infertility stuff to have a healthy child, which ironically is what our bodies were intended to do. It's been hard for me to relinquish control, as that is one of my biggest battles in my life but I've realized that me controlling things has brought me to this exact moment and point, so...........I surrender!
Thursday, January 16, 2014
Hope that's something fun!
I finally got all, well let's be honest, nothing goes right, so only most of my Ivf meds yesterday but in typical fashion there was an issue. Of course one sheet of prescriptions accidentally didn't get faxed over, oops, but I'm getting the missing two tomorrow, so I'll live. Nothing like adding a little more anxiety over this whole process.
I had to have the meds delivered to school bc the shipment requires a signature, and since well, I have a job, I couldn't be home to sign for them. The very nice secretaries signed and didn't say anything but the nurse asked, I hope that's something fun. I wanted to throw the huge box at her and scream no, as a matter of fact it is not. That is unless you consider having to go through fertility treatment to conceive and hopefully have a healthy child fun, then I'm sorry but nothing fun about it.
Just gearing up to start the lupron Sunday
I had to have the meds delivered to school bc the shipment requires a signature, and since well, I have a job, I couldn't be home to sign for them. The very nice secretaries signed and didn't say anything but the nurse asked, I hope that's something fun. I wanted to throw the huge box at her and scream no, as a matter of fact it is not. That is unless you consider having to go through fertility treatment to conceive and hopefully have a healthy child fun, then I'm sorry but nothing fun about it.
Just gearing up to start the lupron Sunday
Friday, January 10, 2014
What A Headache
Literally, I'm thinking this is becoming a non preferable pattern, and I'm not too happy. A month ago, right before I ovulated, I had three migraines in one week, yes you read that correctly, three.......in.........one........week. I obviously blamed it on lupron, cuz why not, I seem to blame every other ill tempered, bad mood, and crying episode on it still to this day, even though it's been four months since my one and only shot! Anyways... Guess what I have had all week!? A migraine-like killer headache. Non-fricken stop for seven days.
I went the the chiropractor Monday and Tuesday, then spent Wednesday morning in the ER getting a MRI per the doctors scary concerns for a stroke, and finally was diagnosed with hormonal headaches!!! Excuse me! The ER doctor even had the audacity to tell me about his wife, who had to have fertility treatment for their to complete their family (because they wanted four, not three children) who was a crazy lady throughout their whole fertility treatment. I wanted to jump out of the beg and strangle him. If only men had to experience half of what we have to go through it would somewhat equal out the injustices of the world, well not really, but it would help.
Ends up I went back to the chiro land got a decompression treatment and it really helped. Too bad they are closed on the weekend!
I went the the chiropractor Monday and Tuesday, then spent Wednesday morning in the ER getting a MRI per the doctors scary concerns for a stroke, and finally was diagnosed with hormonal headaches!!! Excuse me! The ER doctor even had the audacity to tell me about his wife, who had to have fertility treatment for their to complete their family (because they wanted four, not three children) who was a crazy lady throughout their whole fertility treatment. I wanted to jump out of the beg and strangle him. If only men had to experience half of what we have to go through it would somewhat equal out the injustices of the world, well not really, but it would help.
Ends up I went back to the chiro land got a decompression treatment and it really helped. Too bad they are closed on the weekend!
Friday, January 3, 2014
New Year......New Hope!?!?
This year we have learned and in the same beat been through a lot. We learned that we can get pregnant via medicated iui's however we loss pregnancies very easily.
I learned to love Mr. E so much more. He is truly my rock......... that is only if we agree on what I want or think is the right way to go :)
We learned that I have stage IV endometriosis, which is hopefully the reason we are having trouble keeping the pregnancies.
We learned that I have hashimoto's which is now treated with daily medication.
We (I) have tried so many different things to help us reach our goal of a healthy pregnancy. I've done herbs, acupuncture, different doctors, naturopaths, food sensitivity testing, everything under the sun and I'll keep trying until something works. I've opened my eyes to practices I previously would have disregarded as a waste of time, and I've enjoyed learning new things.
This year has brought us a lot of hope, but also a lot of sorrow. We know we can get pregnant, however We have lost one baby at 7w4d, one at 5w4d, and one possibly at 5wd3. All in five months.
I learned that I can inject myself with the scary needles.
I've learned to be okay with numerous people looking and placing things into my you know what.
I no longer fear blood draws........ well actually that is a lie. I am only at ease with them if Gia, the blood draw goddess, is waiting for me with the butterfly needle, otherwise I am fearful!!!
I have learned that I can wait if I really try. It's kind of similar to looking back and thinking, well those three months flew by, but each day was very long and felt like it was so slowwwwwww. But always in retrospect it was much easier than actually living each second.
I've also learned that above most I want one healthy child. Before I had dreamed of having 2-4 children, but now I would be happy with one.
This coming year brings a lot of unknowns and I know it will not be easy. I'm ready to hop back on the infertility roller coaster and get the show on the road. I am going to try to relinquish some of the control and see what happens.
I learned to love Mr. E so much more. He is truly my rock......... that is only if we agree on what I want or think is the right way to go :)
We learned that I have stage IV endometriosis, which is hopefully the reason we are having trouble keeping the pregnancies.
We learned that I have hashimoto's which is now treated with daily medication.
We (I) have tried so many different things to help us reach our goal of a healthy pregnancy. I've done herbs, acupuncture, different doctors, naturopaths, food sensitivity testing, everything under the sun and I'll keep trying until something works. I've opened my eyes to practices I previously would have disregarded as a waste of time, and I've enjoyed learning new things.
This year has brought us a lot of hope, but also a lot of sorrow. We know we can get pregnant, however We have lost one baby at 7w4d, one at 5w4d, and one possibly at 5wd3. All in five months.
I learned that I can inject myself with the scary needles.
I've learned to be okay with numerous people looking and placing things into my you know what.
I no longer fear blood draws........ well actually that is a lie. I am only at ease with them if Gia, the blood draw goddess, is waiting for me with the butterfly needle, otherwise I am fearful!!!
I have learned that I can wait if I really try. It's kind of similar to looking back and thinking, well those three months flew by, but each day was very long and felt like it was so slowwwwwww. But always in retrospect it was much easier than actually living each second.
I've also learned that above most I want one healthy child. Before I had dreamed of having 2-4 children, but now I would be happy with one.
This coming year brings a lot of unknowns and I know it will not be easy. I'm ready to hop back on the infertility roller coaster and get the show on the road. I am going to try to relinquish some of the control and see what happens.
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