Woe Is Me

Is it me or is everything in the medical field such a process!!?!?! It's like nothing can go smoothly and it is beyond frustrating.

Long story short, one of my incisions from the lap is infected and no pharmacies in the Chicagoland area has the medicine that the doctor wrote the prescription for.  OMG for real......yes, I called seven 24 hour cvs's and the Walgreens pharmacist looked it up in their computer.   So after two calls to the on call nurse and one call to the doctor, per the nurse, I will be starting the antibiotic tomorrow!!!! It just feels like nothing is easy anymore, woe is me! How many women going through fertility treatment say that, probably every, except those lucky ladies who do one and are done ahhhhhhhhhhhh

Add it to the list :)

Lupron-Week Two

Holy moly guacamole!!

This week was horrible.  Not only did it feel like a truck hit me emotionally, BUT I had the strongest, most painful AF that I have ever had in my entire life.  I contemplated calling in Monday when she arrived, but being the good little girl that I always am, I took 3 Advil (which I've missed dearly for the last ten months), packed my lunch, and went on my way.

The pain wasn't half as bad as the emotional wreck that I turned into.  At first I blamed all of the emotions on AF's arrival, but when it didn't go away I realized there was something more going on.  I now know the "ledge" that the nurse was talking about, I was there most of the week.  I felt like I was going to cry at any second, I was very paranoid everyone was out to get me, and the anxiety was horrific!

When you take the lupron, it depletes your body of estrogen, a hormone that helps regulate your emotions.  This helps the endometriosis stop growing and can even reduce some of the growth that the lap couldn't get to.  The lupron tricks your body into thinking you are premenopausal, a time when you do not produce excess estrogen, hence the halt in endo growth. The endometriosis feeds off of estrogen, so if your body isn't producing estrogen, then the endometriosis can't continue to grow.  You read that correctly, YOUR BODY ISNT PRODUCING ESTROGEN!!!!

Say what!?!?!?

I know crazy right, just crazy, I was NOT producing the hormone that helps me NOT be crazy!!!!  Oy vey! Not for me.

With all of that being said, it is very common to go through emotional "changes" and the feeling of being emotionally off, or at least that's what the nurse is trying to convince me of now! By Thursday I couldn't take it, I called the the doctors office and am now on a low dose of estrogen through a patch! Thank goodness because I do not know how much longer I could have taken it.  I do feel a bit better, which was a great relief after this horrible week! I did verify that this would not be counterproductive, and I was ensured it was a low enough dose to not interfere with the lupron.

I think I've taken a few steps back from "the ledge," so that I am happy about, but I did experience my first hot flash, whoa is all I have to say!

Coulda, woulda, shoulda

We dropped off some donations at goodwill a few days ago and decided to take a look around.  Neither Mr. E nor I were in the mood to bargain hunt, which for me is a rarity!  We did a quick lap and on our way out encountered two men with three children running wild, screaming, and all fighting for attention.  I'm not one to judge, but the man looks at me and say, "never have children," laughs, and walks away.

My immediate response was to smile and pretend I either knew what he was talking about, or pretend that I didn't want children due to the fact that they are so difficult to manage, why would I.  In typical manner I thought of all of the responses I coulda, woulda, shoulda said...



I do want children and have had three miscarriages and am currently on a 3-4 month treatment plan so that my body is in optimal shape to try again, oh and it will probably never happen naturally for us, so we will need to continue the fertility treatment that we have already been doing for just about a year.

Or

If I had children I would never have to use that comment as an excuse because my children would know how to behave in public.

Or

If you spent more time with your children and less time making sarcastic comments to complete strangers about your inabilities to raise children, maybe they would know how to behave and not embarrass you

Or

Sorry you stink at parenting, but I hope not to someday




But the truth is I am not that witty, nor is it fair for me to judge you and your abilities or inabilities to raise children, so I will simply smile, feel the pit in my stomach churn, the hole in my heart grown bigger, continue on my way.  Oh and then blog about you!

Lupron - Week One

Ok so here's the skinny on week one of lupron........ No side effects! Crazy, I know right!?!? Again I'm no fool, especially bc the doc office told me I would most likely not feel a change, if I ever do, until after the two week mark, but so far so good, and I'm thankful for that!

AF was supposed to arrive today, but She didn't which is another positive, but since I had the lap this cycle it could be a few days off, just have to play the waiting game per usual! That's all for now!

No more love!

I believe in God..... So I shouldn't be superstitious, right!?!?!

Not right, and I feel super guilty because I know I should just trust in Him that all of this is His plan, but tonight I had to help Him a little bit! I threw out my unlucky pair of pink, cute underwear that said love across the back.  Why you might ask........ B/c every single time something bad or unlucky happens to me I swear I'm wearing those darn things (our first and second miscarriages, multiple hiccups at the doc office, and most recently my lap).  I am usually lucky if I even get my underwear on correctly in the morning, let alone tying to make sure I avoided that pair.

Anyways, while you are stimming, during fertility treatment (which means using drugs to grow your eggs), you have multiple "magic wand" ultrasounds...... There is nothing magic about it, let me tell ya......... In order to have this ultrasound you need to "undress from the waste down" (I could die a happy person if I never had to hear that phrase again). My main concern with this striptease is where I will bury my underwear, so needless to say I usually will know before the nurse comes back in if the appointment is going to go well or not, depending on which pair of underwear I have on....... Annoying and super frustrating when I get a glance of the word love,  So tonight I took charge and threw them out!!!! Feels so good!

Na Na naaa Na, Na Na naaaa Na, hey hey hey, good- bye!

Add It To The List

So I got my lupron shot on Friday after a horrible experience trying to ensure it would be at the office by the time I needed it.  The actual shot is around $1,000, so needless to say they aren't just handing these out.  Between the doctors office and pharmacy I made about 10 calls on Wednesday, to make sure it was there by my apt on Thursday.  The plan is to continue these shots (one shot a month) for 3-4 months.  I am concerned though bc I did get my AMH levels back and they dropped from 1.1 pre lap to 0.33 post lap.  While it was on the lower end before, now it's very low.  The nurse said that they " sometime" see this.  My new slogan this year is, add it to the list, so add this to my lovely list. Back to the waiting game until we can test again.......

Ok back to the shot.  The actual shot wasn't bad, similar to the HCG booster (needle size/pain is always one of my major concerns :)).  Anyways I'm only on day two of the shot, and not sure if it's a coincident, but I'm having some pretty painful days.  Lots of sharpe twisting pain on my right side, where I would think my ovary is.  I'm going to try and do weekly updates on what I'm feeling and side effects but we will see how that goes!

TTC Timeline

June 2009
Married my best friend on a magical day.  Everything was perfect and we had the best time ever! (I'm sure everyone says that but It was perfect)

December 2011
Stopped bc and started the journey to have a baby.....

December 2012
After 12 entire cycles TTC and not even one pregnancy we Did initial work up with My obgyn as he insisted that he could do everything that the RE would.  I agreed to do all testing with him but now regret losing the two months that we did because once we went to RE they redid everything.  Go straight to RE!

January 2013
Met with four different doctors and choose one.

February 2013
Clomid 100mg, ovidrel, and iui 16 hours later, crinone........... BFP

March 2013
M/C diagnosed at 7w3d, baby had no hb and stopped growing at 6w1d.  D&C scheduled for 3/27

May 2013
Got AF 5/11 and had consult with doc. Decided on natural iui cycle with ovidrel.  Back to back iui's and then went to Paris for the tww with crinone in tow!

June 2013
BFP........ended in chemical 5w3d

July/August 2013
Changed doctors (due to location and crabby nurse) and started Injectables, menopur, ovidrel, hcg booster, and crinone...... BFP........"probably chemical" 5w2d

August/September 2013
Injectables, menopur, ovidrel, hcg booster, and crinone....... BFN

September 2013
9/23 Laparscopy, hysteroscopy, and endometrial removed, stage IV endometriosis diagnosed.

October 2013
Started lupron :( 10/11/13

November 2013
No more lupron :)

December 2013
12/26 Started BCP for our first IVF cycle!

January 2014
1/19 started lupron
1/24 stopped bcp
1/31 started stims

February 2014
2/16 Eggretrieval 6
2/19 Egg transfer 2 at day 3

March 2014
3/5 Beta #1 - 180.9
3/7 Beta #2 - 119
3/10 Beta #3 - 34 chemical pregnancy :(
3/17 started stims IUI
3/29 Trigger /TI

April 2014
4/16 Beta BFN
4/18 Started stims for IVF #2

May 2014
5/1 Egg Retrival 8
5/6 Egg transfer 2 at day 5
5/19 Beta

Rough weekend!

Rough weekend. We have lost two babies maybe three, one at 7 weeks 3 days (considered a miscarriage), one at 5 weeks 3 days ( considered a chemical pregnancy, or very early miscarriage), and one was "probably a chemical pregnancy" at 5 weeks 2 days. Each one was just as difficult, but In about a month will be the first due date.  November 9th will always be a rough day.  My one thought that got me throughout most of the hard days was that I would for sure be pregnant on that day and it would at least be tolerable.  Well that is not going to happen.

From the beginning of us starting fertility treatment I always said, if you tell me I'm going to lose five babies ( not that it would be easier) but at the end I will have a healthy baby, I would be able to do it.  As each positive pregnancy test came and then painfully went, I came to a somewhat peaceful understanding that there are never any guarantees with this process, let alone life.

This weekend I started thinking about what mr. E. And I can do on the first dreaded due date.  I then went online to look what others had done to honor their angles.  This lead me to a miscarriage support group on baby center, and the Into a women's post stated "I'm not ok."   I knew and know exactly about where she was.  There are no words that anyone can say, in fact usually people only make it worse.  Not because they mean to, and only because they care, but many times they don't know what to say.  I too am guilty of these exact phrases that I have said to friends that have lost babies, but I even tried to believe these sayings too.  I found an article that someone wrote that I wished I could have sent to every person who knew about our babies.

Seven things not to say

* "You can always have another one" - it doesn't help much to know you can have another baby. The parents didn't just want any baby, they wanted THAT baby. Before they can think about another one they need to grieve for their lost one. They have lost their hopes and dreams as well.
* "There was probably something wrong with it - it's natures way." This may be true but it is no comfort to hear it. They want to believe it was a perfect baby, and that's who they are grieving for.
* "It's God's will" - People may or may not believe this. Whatever the case, it's still sad. You are better supporting the parents' grief than getting into theology.
* "At least you didn't know the baby - it would have been much worse if it had happened later" - it does not help to minimize and invalidate a miscarriage, it is not the length of the pregnancy, but the strength of the parents' attachment, that determines the intensity of their grief.
* "I know how you feel" - this statement can seem arrogant, even if you have miscarried yourself, as everyone reacts differently. Other losses can compound grief.
* "It wasn't really a baby yet" - that may not be how the parents see it. If it wasn't a baby what was it? To them it was real and they are grieving.
* "You're young, there's plenty of time. If you'd stop focusing on being pregnant so much it will just happen"


Seven helpful things to say

* "I'm so sorry about your Miscarriage." These simple words mean a lot, especially if you allow the Mum or Dad to talk further, or not to talk, as they wish.
* "I know how much you wanted that baby." Here you are simply acknowledging that something precious has been lost, and opening a door to talk more.
* "It's okay to cry." - this can sound like Hollywood but it's reassuring for the Mum or Dad to know they are not being judged for their tears and sadness.
* "Can I call you back next week to see how you are doing?" Often people are sympathetic the first time, then never mention miscarriage again. You can expect the parents to still be grieving for weeks or months, so it is reassuring for them to know your support is ongoing.
* "I was wondering how you are feeling about your miscarriage now" - it's nice for them to have the opportunity to talk about their miscarriage even if it is a long time later and after a successful pregnancy as well. Parents do not forget a miscarriage.
* "I don't really know what to say." The good thing about this is that it is honest. The fact that you are available to listen is what's really important.
* "It must be so awful for you after going through those weeks of IVF treatment to have lost your baby."

Anyways just wanted to share where I am today..... We will see........

Post Op Apt

Ok so I totally thought that If I said I would sleep well that it would actually happen... Yea right in my dreams, that I didn't have last night due to the fact that I barely slept at all.  This could have been contributed to a number of reasons first and foremost my post op doctors apt where I would be getting the results from the laparoscopy.  It also could have been because  it was my first day back to school after a week off.  Or it could have been that I had class tonight and had already missed one due to the surgery..... If you know me I am very type a and not having perfect attendance stresses me out big time and it was the first class of the semester, where you also know that you feel out how much work the class will actually be, and I wasn't there!

Everything went well and I do have a lot to be thankful for

First for my doctors apt, I do have stage IV endometriosis.  It was in and on both ovaries, on my bladder, Colon, and in my pelvic area.  I had a lot of adhesions and large cyst in both of my ovaries ( we had originally thought only the right, but that was no such luck).  My right ovary needed to be actually opened to remove the cyst so it is currently being held together by stitches and a mesh bag that will dissolve in six weeks....sick!  I almost passed out just looking at the picture thank goodness I didn't go into nursing and choose teaching instead, I
would never have cut it! Anyways I fought tooth and nail not to have to do the 3-4 months of treatment, but when the doctor said to think of it as healing time for my ovary and that if we tried to conceive my ovary could burst he sold me......how easily I fold!!

The med I will be taking for 3-4 months is lupron but I will also be having add on treatments of a low dose of estrogen to keep the side effects down.  Lupron is a once a month injection done at the doctors office, I'm still waiting to figure out the estrogen.  Lupron basically tricks the body into thinking you are going through menopause and stops all ovulation and menstration.  This is defiantly not what I had wanted to do, in fact I was severely opposed initially to doing the lupron but I am more at peace after taking to the doctor.

He also said that after the 3-4 months our best bet was Ivf.  I had come to the terms of moving on to Ivf as there are higher statistic with getting pregnant, more monitoring of the eggs growing, a better chance of getting a good egg, and much more support in the post luteal phase (after ovulation until implantation) which is where we seem to be having the most issues.  Mr. E on the other hand was really hoping we could try as naturally as possible........


I am thankful to have knowledgeable doctors and nurses on our team
I am thankful that the doctor was able to remove almost all of the endometriosis
I am thankful for Mr. E and all that he does to support and uplift me
I am thankful that we will still have the opportunity to try for our miracle
I am thankful for this feeling of peace and calmness

Please Lord help me keep this optimistic outlook for the next 3-4 month!!! ( I'll believe it when I see it!!!!)