I.V.F.

Those scary, strong, exciting letters will be in our near future.  I spoke with the nurse last Tuesday, I know I know, without updating, but I officially started birth control pills (bcp) to begin the Ivf process or protocol.  I am excited, nervous, and scared all at the same time.  I have done two cycles with injectables, so it's not the needles this time, thank goodness, but I think it the unknown and possibilities of another loss that is what is making me the most apprehensive and skeptical.

Originally we were going to wait another cycle and then start, but I'm ready to start agin now, heck I would have started the next month if we could have.  Our doctor was out of town until tomorrow so I hope to speak to the Ivf nurse sometime tomorrow to figure out the excact protocol and timeline.  So far all I know is the I'm on the bcp for two weeks to suppress everything then we will begin!  Ahhhhh it might be finally a possibility!

Christmas Questions!

Everyone keeps asking if my Christmas shopping done, what I want for Christmas, and what are we doing for the holidays, and I just smile because if I don't........ I'm gonna cry.  I think the emotional side of this feeling is caused by many factors, one of which is that I FINALLY woke up to my lovely period! I literally said a prayer to God for this blessing in disguise because it returns a sense of hope and encouragement that maybe, there is a slight possibility, a slim chance that we will have a family someday. However, the disguise is the pain that is occurring in my lower region!  It feels like someone stabbed a fork into both ovaries and is twisting, similar to trying to twist spaghetti onto a fork, thank you endometriosis!  And in typical fashion I get it three days before Christmas, but hey, it's better than sitting around waiting, I've done enough of that for a while.  I'm anxious to call the RE tomorrow and spill the beans that I'm back in the game!!!!!!

Ok now back to Christmas!  I feel like I will never be all done shopping because the one person I was most excited to be with and spend this year with will not be here. This person will never know the joy of waking up and running to the tree to look for presents.  This person will never know what a great family he or she had, or what our family traditions are.  They won't even be able know the real reason for this holiday.  This person was taken away as quickly as he or she was given.  While the Christmas season has a magical sense, I will still long for the time and traditions that we would have started had our baby been born.  I am sad and excited.  Sad for the things that won't be but excited to begin to move forward with starting our family.

It seems like our baby is over looked and forgotten about, but I often think about him or her.  At family parties it's rarely brought up or talked about.  No one asks anymore how we are doing or how we are coping.  No one even thinks about what would have been different.  I can't blame anyone or obsess over it but I do.  I know I'm not alone in feeling this way but it feels like a secret that just keeps getting shoved under the rug.  I hope I can make it through the next few days without being a Debbie downer, but time will only tell.

So to answer the non stop questions, no I'm not done shopping and  never will be because I won't be shopping for the one person I wanted to this year.

I want something I will never get for Christmas, a baby!

And we are doing the exact same thing we always do for Christmas, there haven't been any new traditions started, maybe next year!

Lupron -Week Six Through Nine

As usual, it wasn't half as bad as I thought, in fact she didn't even announce it because the principal forgot to ask for celebrations.  Crisis averted!!

Short recap, I had one shot of lupron on 10/11 and then didn't do the second one on 11/8.  It's been a total of 9 weeks 2 days (said with sarcasm) since the first shot, and still haven't ovulated or gotten a period.  I was hoping to have started my period by now, but in true form, I don't always get what I want.  For the last week I have been having pretty much constant uterus twitching, at all hours of the day.  It's really awkward and uncomfortable, but doesn't hurt and causes no pain.  I have had a few painful cramps and then think to myself, oh I must have just ovulated, but then I take an OPK and it's still negative.

The only other issue (side effect) that I have had has been annoying is that about two weeks ago, week 8 since the first shot, I got 3 migraines in one week.  One Tuesday around 11 at work, the next Thursday around 12, then the last Sunday around 9 pm.  I called the RE and they said it isn't a normal side effect of lupron if I didn't have them when I initially got the shot.  So armed with that knowledge I went to my general doctor, and he prescribed some migraine meds and chalked it up to stress and hormones.  Of course since then I've been migraine free!!  That day I also got a blood draw to check my levels and my estrogen was around 142, progesterone 0.81, so it looks like I'm about to ovulate as of a week ago, but still haven't.   Still sitting around waiting.  This waiting thing is not a strong suit of mine, I'm just saying!

You Will Be Next!

It is going to take every ounce of my will power to get up and go to work tomorrow, no it's not because of the snow storm coming that in all actuality probably won't amount to anything special, but it's because a colleague at school/work, who mind you got married less than a year ago, will be announcing her pregnancy at our staff meeting.  I was somewhat of a mentor to her last year and she did tell me a few weeks ago, which was thoughtful, probably so I wouldn't break into tears in front of everyone!!!  To be honest, I had guessed she was pregnant with my pregdar, a new skill I have of seeing, obsessing, and guessing whenever anyone around me is pregnant.  She is a great person and I wish her the best of luck, but they tried for one month!!! One stinking month.  I am so jealous, envious, and sad, all of which last year I would have beaten myself up about.  We have been trying for over two years now including one entire year of fertility treatment!

It's just very frustrating because it's not me (Pity party for me)!  All I have ever wanted as far back as I can remember, was to be a mom.  I played house until I was far beyond the play years because I loved babies and everything about them.  I have a slightly odd obsession with strollers and baby carriers.  I babysat my way through high school and college, and I even went into education.  I love kids but why can't I have one of my own.

I know I will get a few comments tomorrow from my closer friends at school that "You will be next," but gosh I've been hearing that for the entire five years I have been married, and it's not, again.  I am a go getter, type A, and everything I have ever wanted I have been able to work hard at and get.  But why can't I get the one thing I want and have minimal control over I can't have!?!?  Ahhhhhh,  the issue at hand, control!  I think that is the root of all evils here, I have zero, zip, zilch control right now!

Frustrated and still sitting around waiting.

Fertility Clinic 101 - Big or Small?

When we were initially looking at fertility clinic and reproductive endocrinologists or RE's we went to 4 different doctors, two at big clinics and two at small clinics.  I was very thorough, or so I thought, and asked all the same questions to each doctor to compare what they said.  Being new to this, I didn't really know what to look for or what to ask, and we truly chose the RE and clinic on which one doctor we felt most comfortable with and which made us feel most at ease.  That is how we initially chose the doctor we wanted to start our journey with.

We decided to start with a smaller clinic with one doctor and two offices.  I thought that this would be for me, and what I needed, but it wasn't.  I think this could work for some, and while it did have its positives, for me it had too many draw backs.  There was only one nurse at my office.  Now having one nurse can be extremely appealing, however that meant that I had to leave voicemails every time I called, and she had to call me back.  I am not very good at waiting, and I guess I could be described as at little impulsive, unlike Mr. E who likes to ponder things forever.... before taking action.  So for me that wasn't ideal.   It also meant that she was the only one that I ever spoke to, which I didn't prefer, as she was not always in the best mood, and I felt like I annoyed her with my petty, nonstop questions.  We also had to travel to the city (one hour drive there) for all procedures (iui's and high tech ultrasounds), so that wasn't ideal either.  One more issue was that when my doctor would go abroad to teach classes or whatever he was doing, that meant nothing could happen, we literally were going to have to wait a cycle because he was gone for a month and that was just frustrating.

We are now with a larger clinic, with six doctors but only three work out of the location I go to.  I am much more comfortable there.  While it's not perfect, and I don't expect anything to be, for me it's just a much better fit.  I always speak to someone, the hours are better, I know what days the nice nurses work ;), and I've even been able to see the doctor between blood work and "the magic wand!!"

In retrospect, picking a clinic purely on the doctor is not what you want to do.  With that being said, our first clinic did give us a lot of hope, knowledge, and taught me that I really do need to be proactive because I am my best advocate.

Thanksgiving

So we are a few days past thanksgiving, which in the teachers world means report cards and conferences, so apologies for not writing, but it's been a bit crazy.  Anyways, I typically love thanksgiving because it is the start of the holiday festivities, a year ending, and a new one on the horizon (oh, and the beginning of Christmas music being some what tolerated by Mr. E).  However this year I am a bit apprehensive of all of it.  While I know I have a lot to be thankful for, it can be difficult to always see the positives instead of harping on what we don't have simply because I am still grieving the losses from this passed year.

It's very difficult to see the world continuing on as it always does and always will, although I feel like a different person.  I see things through a new set of eyes, not necessarily in a better or worse set, just different.   In some ways I am stronger, and in some ways I am weaker.  My perspective on life has changed throughout all of this, but above all I think I am more apprehensive of new things.  I also have begun to understand the harsh reality that there are no guarantees in life.

Still sitting around waiting.......

Thankbook posts

I don't literally mean that I have a book of things that I am thankful for, although maybe it would be a useful tool to reference so that I not as cynical, but it's the nickname I have created for the new phenomena that occurs in the month of November on Facebook.  People feel the need to share all of the various reasons why they are thankful, each day, publicly, for all the internet world to see.  

First of all, is there some kind of "thankful quote bank" somewhere that I don't know about, because every single person has the same types of posts about family, jobs, spouses, and kids.  The reason that I do not like it is because most people posts are very superficial or braggy.  Shouldn't you be telling that person or people directly, not posting it on the internet?  Does it feel more real to you to tell the entire world, is your logic that maybe if you say it enough you will start to believe it (believe me I've tried this in other realms of my life).  Is this a facade or are you trying to prove to the world that you love this person or thing more than anyone else? Or has our world changed so much that everyone sits behind computer screens and posts their feelings to put on a show?  I think that is what Annoys me, don't try and prove to others by posting it on Facebook, prove to that person IN person! I just don't get it, but too each their own! 

IUI's are a big deal!

I'm gonna let ya all in on a little secret! Doing iui's is not considered a big deal in the RE world.  However, to me, each and every one we did felt like a big deal.  For the last two we even did injectables, just like if we were doing Ivf! Maybe I was naive in the beginning, but I'm not anymore and I think it's unfair that they aren't more important.  I get that they cost way less than Ivf from a monetary standpoint, but they are equal in terms of an emotional investment.

Now let's be honest, by the time you get to the point of going to an RE, you more than likely will need more than just an iui.  It just seems a bit unfair that they aren't considered more important but I guess you have to draw the line somewhere!?!?!?  We have done four cycles with a total of seven iui's and have had three of them work, just not stick!

That's one injustice in the world that I've been thinking about while I've been sitting around waiting.

Penny for your thoughts :/

Every few hours of my waking days this week, I have had moments that I think about what would have been and what our lives would be like had our baby been born November 9th.

While driving home from work I wondered if we would have already had the baby, or if I would have delivered past the due date.

While at breakfast I wondered if we would have been out and about yet as new parents, or would we have been too nervous and spent the entire first week at home?

While sitting on the couch, I wondered if I would have been sleep deprived yet.

While at the grocery store I almost started crying as we walked past the baby aisle, would I have gone down that aisle had he or she been there?

It's just the little things everyone takes for granted that I hope not to if we do someday become parents.

Buh-bye Lupron!

Since lupron is no longer a character in our story anymore guess what we do now............we wait!

Shocking, I know!

Uhhhhhh more waiting, I don't know how much longer I can wait.  It feels like I've been waiting my whole life to have to wait longer to wait yet again to wait to ttc!!! Did you follow that!?!? Not sure I do, but it is what it is, and add it to the list!!!!!!

After you stop the lupron, it can take 1-3 months to get your period back.  I'm not sure I knew this when I bent over to get the shot, but too late now!  Is it me or does it seem like that would have been a good thing to know before you start a new medicine.  The 3-4 months of shots would have been more like 6-9 months with the amount of time it could have taken to get my period back, my word what a tragedy that would have been.

I'm a little frustrated and feeling defeated bc the RE said we had a very low chance of conceiving naturally, but he wants me to be more emotionally leveled out, so that's the plan. If that doesn't work we will do ivf the following month.  So until then, you got it, we are WAITING!! That's all for now loves!

Lupron -Week Four/Five

I've been slacking and I haven't written in a while, sorry!!

Lupron, lupron, lupron, how I haven't missed you a bit!  I called the doctors office last week and met with the doctor about the next injection.  I had been feeling very emotional and emotionally uncontrollable which was causing my anxiety to increase.  I would have 2-3 good days where I would feel good, I didn't say normal, but my emotions were somewhat under control and I wasn't feeling like I had to cry every time someone said the wrong thing. But then.........then I would have a bad day, which consisted of almost uncontrollable crying, major anxiety, and very hypersensitive to everything.  After discussing it with the RE, we mutually decided it wasn't worth it and I would not take the next shot.  This was both relieving and made me nervous, which you probably would have guessed!


Good news is that we made it through our first due date from our first precious angle who we lost in March.  I've said this before in a previous post but the only thing that got me through everything was that I thought I would for sure be pregnant by this date, but I'm not :( Mr. E and I went downtown Chicago and went out to eat and spent the night.  It was a very nice distraction but it was still very difficult.


Ehhh so that's about it for now, I just have to wait until AF comes, so we shall see how long that will be.

Lupron - Week Three

I had a much better week in terms of emotions.  I am doing the add-back treatment, so I have a low dose estrogen patch.  I also have this spray called evamist that I spray on my arm each day.  I by no means feel like I am normal, I'm still crying very easily, and still don't feel myself, but it is a bit more tolerable, but no fun!

Do I like lupron..... No.
Do I want to stay on lupron....... No.
Do I think it's working..... I have no idea
Am I hopeful it will work...... Heck yea, I have nothing else to loose at this point, oops I forgot about my sanity!!!!!!

I go next week for my second shot, I hope everything stays the same, and I stay a few steps back from THE LEDGE!!!!!ll

Woe Is Me

Is it me or is everything in the medical field such a process!!?!?! It's like nothing can go smoothly and it is beyond frustrating.

Long story short, one of my incisions from the lap is infected and no pharmacies in the Chicagoland area has the medicine that the doctor wrote the prescription for.  OMG for real......yes, I called seven 24 hour cvs's and the Walgreens pharmacist looked it up in their computer.   So after two calls to the on call nurse and one call to the doctor, per the nurse, I will be starting the antibiotic tomorrow!!!! It just feels like nothing is easy anymore, woe is me! How many women going through fertility treatment say that, probably every, except those lucky ladies who do one and are done ahhhhhhhhhhhh

Add it to the list :)

Lupron-Week Two

Holy moly guacamole!!

This week was horrible.  Not only did it feel like a truck hit me emotionally, BUT I had the strongest, most painful AF that I have ever had in my entire life.  I contemplated calling in Monday when she arrived, but being the good little girl that I always am, I took 3 Advil (which I've missed dearly for the last ten months), packed my lunch, and went on my way.

The pain wasn't half as bad as the emotional wreck that I turned into.  At first I blamed all of the emotions on AF's arrival, but when it didn't go away I realized there was something more going on.  I now know the "ledge" that the nurse was talking about, I was there most of the week.  I felt like I was going to cry at any second, I was very paranoid everyone was out to get me, and the anxiety was horrific!

When you take the lupron, it depletes your body of estrogen, a hormone that helps regulate your emotions.  This helps the endometriosis stop growing and can even reduce some of the growth that the lap couldn't get to.  The lupron tricks your body into thinking you are premenopausal, a time when you do not produce excess estrogen, hence the halt in endo growth. The endometriosis feeds off of estrogen, so if your body isn't producing estrogen, then the endometriosis can't continue to grow.  You read that correctly, YOUR BODY ISNT PRODUCING ESTROGEN!!!!

Say what!?!?!?

I know crazy right, just crazy, I was NOT producing the hormone that helps me NOT be crazy!!!!  Oy vey! Not for me.

With all of that being said, it is very common to go through emotional "changes" and the feeling of being emotionally off, or at least that's what the nurse is trying to convince me of now! By Thursday I couldn't take it, I called the the doctors office and am now on a low dose of estrogen through a patch! Thank goodness because I do not know how much longer I could have taken it.  I do feel a bit better, which was a great relief after this horrible week! I did verify that this would not be counterproductive, and I was ensured it was a low enough dose to not interfere with the lupron.

I think I've taken a few steps back from "the ledge," so that I am happy about, but I did experience my first hot flash, whoa is all I have to say!

Coulda, woulda, shoulda

We dropped off some donations at goodwill a few days ago and decided to take a look around.  Neither Mr. E nor I were in the mood to bargain hunt, which for me is a rarity!  We did a quick lap and on our way out encountered two men with three children running wild, screaming, and all fighting for attention.  I'm not one to judge, but the man looks at me and say, "never have children," laughs, and walks away.

My immediate response was to smile and pretend I either knew what he was talking about, or pretend that I didn't want children due to the fact that they are so difficult to manage, why would I.  In typical manner I thought of all of the responses I coulda, woulda, shoulda said...



I do want children and have had three miscarriages and am currently on a 3-4 month treatment plan so that my body is in optimal shape to try again, oh and it will probably never happen naturally for us, so we will need to continue the fertility treatment that we have already been doing for just about a year.

Or

If I had children I would never have to use that comment as an excuse because my children would know how to behave in public.

Or

If you spent more time with your children and less time making sarcastic comments to complete strangers about your inabilities to raise children, maybe they would know how to behave and not embarrass you

Or

Sorry you stink at parenting, but I hope not to someday




But the truth is I am not that witty, nor is it fair for me to judge you and your abilities or inabilities to raise children, so I will simply smile, feel the pit in my stomach churn, the hole in my heart grown bigger, continue on my way.  Oh and then blog about you!

Lupron - Week One

Ok so here's the skinny on week one of lupron........ No side effects! Crazy, I know right!?!? Again I'm no fool, especially bc the doc office told me I would most likely not feel a change, if I ever do, until after the two week mark, but so far so good, and I'm thankful for that!

AF was supposed to arrive today, but She didn't which is another positive, but since I had the lap this cycle it could be a few days off, just have to play the waiting game per usual! That's all for now!

No more love!

I believe in God..... So I shouldn't be superstitious, right!?!?!

Not right, and I feel super guilty because I know I should just trust in Him that all of this is His plan, but tonight I had to help Him a little bit! I threw out my unlucky pair of pink, cute underwear that said love across the back.  Why you might ask........ B/c every single time something bad or unlucky happens to me I swear I'm wearing those darn things (our first and second miscarriages, multiple hiccups at the doc office, and most recently my lap).  I am usually lucky if I even get my underwear on correctly in the morning, let alone tying to make sure I avoided that pair.

Anyways, while you are stimming, during fertility treatment (which means using drugs to grow your eggs), you have multiple "magic wand" ultrasounds...... There is nothing magic about it, let me tell ya......... In order to have this ultrasound you need to "undress from the waste down" (I could die a happy person if I never had to hear that phrase again). My main concern with this striptease is where I will bury my underwear, so needless to say I usually will know before the nurse comes back in if the appointment is going to go well or not, depending on which pair of underwear I have on....... Annoying and super frustrating when I get a glance of the word love,  So tonight I took charge and threw them out!!!! Feels so good!

Na Na naaa Na, Na Na naaaa Na, hey hey hey, good- bye!

Add It To The List

So I got my lupron shot on Friday after a horrible experience trying to ensure it would be at the office by the time I needed it.  The actual shot is around $1,000, so needless to say they aren't just handing these out.  Between the doctors office and pharmacy I made about 10 calls on Wednesday, to make sure it was there by my apt on Thursday.  The plan is to continue these shots (one shot a month) for 3-4 months.  I am concerned though bc I did get my AMH levels back and they dropped from 1.1 pre lap to 0.33 post lap.  While it was on the lower end before, now it's very low.  The nurse said that they " sometime" see this.  My new slogan this year is, add it to the list, so add this to my lovely list. Back to the waiting game until we can test again.......

Ok back to the shot.  The actual shot wasn't bad, similar to the HCG booster (needle size/pain is always one of my major concerns :)).  Anyways I'm only on day two of the shot, and not sure if it's a coincident, but I'm having some pretty painful days.  Lots of sharpe twisting pain on my right side, where I would think my ovary is.  I'm going to try and do weekly updates on what I'm feeling and side effects but we will see how that goes!

TTC Timeline

June 2009
Married my best friend on a magical day.  Everything was perfect and we had the best time ever! (I'm sure everyone says that but It was perfect)

December 2011
Stopped bc and started the journey to have a baby.....

December 2012
After 12 entire cycles TTC and not even one pregnancy we Did initial work up with My obgyn as he insisted that he could do everything that the RE would.  I agreed to do all testing with him but now regret losing the two months that we did because once we went to RE they redid everything.  Go straight to RE!

January 2013
Met with four different doctors and choose one.

February 2013
Clomid 100mg, ovidrel, and iui 16 hours later, crinone........... BFP

March 2013
M/C diagnosed at 7w3d, baby had no hb and stopped growing at 6w1d.  D&C scheduled for 3/27

May 2013
Got AF 5/11 and had consult with doc. Decided on natural iui cycle with ovidrel.  Back to back iui's and then went to Paris for the tww with crinone in tow!

June 2013
BFP........ended in chemical 5w3d

July/August 2013
Changed doctors (due to location and crabby nurse) and started Injectables, menopur, ovidrel, hcg booster, and crinone...... BFP........"probably chemical" 5w2d

August/September 2013
Injectables, menopur, ovidrel, hcg booster, and crinone....... BFN

September 2013
9/23 Laparscopy, hysteroscopy, and endometrial removed, stage IV endometriosis diagnosed.

October 2013
Started lupron :( 10/11/13

November 2013
No more lupron :)

December 2013
12/26 Started BCP for our first IVF cycle!

January 2014
1/19 started lupron
1/24 stopped bcp
1/31 started stims

February 2014
2/16 Eggretrieval 6
2/19 Egg transfer 2 at day 3

March 2014
3/5 Beta #1 - 180.9
3/7 Beta #2 - 119
3/10 Beta #3 - 34 chemical pregnancy :(
3/17 started stims IUI
3/29 Trigger /TI

April 2014
4/16 Beta BFN
4/18 Started stims for IVF #2

May 2014
5/1 Egg Retrival 8
5/6 Egg transfer 2 at day 5
5/19 Beta

Rough weekend!

Rough weekend. We have lost two babies maybe three, one at 7 weeks 3 days (considered a miscarriage), one at 5 weeks 3 days ( considered a chemical pregnancy, or very early miscarriage), and one was "probably a chemical pregnancy" at 5 weeks 2 days. Each one was just as difficult, but In about a month will be the first due date.  November 9th will always be a rough day.  My one thought that got me throughout most of the hard days was that I would for sure be pregnant on that day and it would at least be tolerable.  Well that is not going to happen.

From the beginning of us starting fertility treatment I always said, if you tell me I'm going to lose five babies ( not that it would be easier) but at the end I will have a healthy baby, I would be able to do it.  As each positive pregnancy test came and then painfully went, I came to a somewhat peaceful understanding that there are never any guarantees with this process, let alone life.

This weekend I started thinking about what mr. E. And I can do on the first dreaded due date.  I then went online to look what others had done to honor their angles.  This lead me to a miscarriage support group on baby center, and the Into a women's post stated "I'm not ok."   I knew and know exactly about where she was.  There are no words that anyone can say, in fact usually people only make it worse.  Not because they mean to, and only because they care, but many times they don't know what to say.  I too am guilty of these exact phrases that I have said to friends that have lost babies, but I even tried to believe these sayings too.  I found an article that someone wrote that I wished I could have sent to every person who knew about our babies.

Seven things not to say

* "You can always have another one" - it doesn't help much to know you can have another baby. The parents didn't just want any baby, they wanted THAT baby. Before they can think about another one they need to grieve for their lost one. They have lost their hopes and dreams as well.
* "There was probably something wrong with it - it's natures way." This may be true but it is no comfort to hear it. They want to believe it was a perfect baby, and that's who they are grieving for.
* "It's God's will" - People may or may not believe this. Whatever the case, it's still sad. You are better supporting the parents' grief than getting into theology.
* "At least you didn't know the baby - it would have been much worse if it had happened later" - it does not help to minimize and invalidate a miscarriage, it is not the length of the pregnancy, but the strength of the parents' attachment, that determines the intensity of their grief.
* "I know how you feel" - this statement can seem arrogant, even if you have miscarried yourself, as everyone reacts differently. Other losses can compound grief.
* "It wasn't really a baby yet" - that may not be how the parents see it. If it wasn't a baby what was it? To them it was real and they are grieving.
* "You're young, there's plenty of time. If you'd stop focusing on being pregnant so much it will just happen"


Seven helpful things to say

* "I'm so sorry about your Miscarriage." These simple words mean a lot, especially if you allow the Mum or Dad to talk further, or not to talk, as they wish.
* "I know how much you wanted that baby." Here you are simply acknowledging that something precious has been lost, and opening a door to talk more.
* "It's okay to cry." - this can sound like Hollywood but it's reassuring for the Mum or Dad to know they are not being judged for their tears and sadness.
* "Can I call you back next week to see how you are doing?" Often people are sympathetic the first time, then never mention miscarriage again. You can expect the parents to still be grieving for weeks or months, so it is reassuring for them to know your support is ongoing.
* "I was wondering how you are feeling about your miscarriage now" - it's nice for them to have the opportunity to talk about their miscarriage even if it is a long time later and after a successful pregnancy as well. Parents do not forget a miscarriage.
* "I don't really know what to say." The good thing about this is that it is honest. The fact that you are available to listen is what's really important.
* "It must be so awful for you after going through those weeks of IVF treatment to have lost your baby."

Anyways just wanted to share where I am today..... We will see........

Post Op Apt

Ok so I totally thought that If I said I would sleep well that it would actually happen... Yea right in my dreams, that I didn't have last night due to the fact that I barely slept at all.  This could have been contributed to a number of reasons first and foremost my post op doctors apt where I would be getting the results from the laparoscopy.  It also could have been because  it was my first day back to school after a week off.  Or it could have been that I had class tonight and had already missed one due to the surgery..... If you know me I am very type a and not having perfect attendance stresses me out big time and it was the first class of the semester, where you also know that you feel out how much work the class will actually be, and I wasn't there!

Everything went well and I do have a lot to be thankful for

First for my doctors apt, I do have stage IV endometriosis.  It was in and on both ovaries, on my bladder, Colon, and in my pelvic area.  I had a lot of adhesions and large cyst in both of my ovaries ( we had originally thought only the right, but that was no such luck).  My right ovary needed to be actually opened to remove the cyst so it is currently being held together by stitches and a mesh bag that will dissolve in six weeks....sick!  I almost passed out just looking at the picture thank goodness I didn't go into nursing and choose teaching instead, I
would never have cut it! Anyways I fought tooth and nail not to have to do the 3-4 months of treatment, but when the doctor said to think of it as healing time for my ovary and that if we tried to conceive my ovary could burst he sold me......how easily I fold!!

The med I will be taking for 3-4 months is lupron but I will also be having add on treatments of a low dose of estrogen to keep the side effects down.  Lupron is a once a month injection done at the doctors office, I'm still waiting to figure out the estrogen.  Lupron basically tricks the body into thinking you are going through menopause and stops all ovulation and menstration.  This is defiantly not what I had wanted to do, in fact I was severely opposed initially to doing the lupron but I am more at peace after taking to the doctor.

He also said that after the 3-4 months our best bet was Ivf.  I had come to the terms of moving on to Ivf as there are higher statistic with getting pregnant, more monitoring of the eggs growing, a better chance of getting a good egg, and much more support in the post luteal phase (after ovulation until implantation) which is where we seem to be having the most issues.  Mr. E on the other hand was really hoping we could try as naturally as possible........


I am thankful to have knowledgeable doctors and nurses on our team
I am thankful that the doctor was able to remove almost all of the endometriosis
I am thankful for Mr. E and all that he does to support and uplift me
I am thankful that we will still have the opportunity to try for our miracle
I am thankful for this feeling of peace and calmness

Please Lord help me keep this optimistic outlook for the next 3-4 month!!! ( I'll believe it when I see it!!!!)

September 30th

Today I'm feeling hopeful and at peace......

Tomorrow is my post op after a laperoscopy, hysteroscopy, endometrial removal, and discovery that I have stage IV endometriosis......... Endometriosis ........endometriosis.

I can't say it enough to sink in. Never did I think I would have this, in fact I often felt bad for the people who had to add that they did to their signatures on baby enter, two week wait, or any other fertility forum I now frequent daily.

I'm not really sure why I feel this way but I am positive that the doctor (reproductive endocrinologist RE) is going to tell me that he recommends I do 3-4 months of hormone treatments before we can move on in this turbulent ride of what ifs... But maybe I'm more at peace because we can have 3-4 months of normalcy.....
Or 3-4 months of not being pricked by a needle for 2 weeks of every month........
Or 3-4 months of not having an ultra sound wand stuck up my you know what 2 weeks of every month.......
Or 3-4 months of not caring if I'm going to wake up and get my period......
Or 3-4 months of not injecting myself with needles.....
Or 3-4 months of not counting days....
Or 3-4 months of not scorning the internet for answers......
Or 3-4 months of not living by my phone waiting for the nurses to call.......

Maybe this is why I hope to sleep soundly tonight

While this is what I think they will recommend, it's not typical that I just do what people tell me.... I have my regiment of questions and probably misconceptions from what I've read online but I'm armed and ready to go at the apt tomorrow to continue this turbulent ride of infertility.  I've bought many tickets and I plan on using every single one until we get our one baby that sticks!!


No, this is why I will sleep soundly tonight......