I.V.F.

Those scary, strong, exciting letters will be in our near future.  I spoke with the nurse last Tuesday, I know I know, without updating, but I officially started birth control pills (bcp) to begin the Ivf process or protocol.  I am excited, nervous, and scared all at the same time.  I have done two cycles with injectables, so it's not the needles this time, thank goodness, but I think it the unknown and possibilities of another loss that is what is making me the most apprehensive and skeptical.

Originally we were going to wait another cycle and then start, but I'm ready to start agin now, heck I would have started the next month if we could have.  Our doctor was out of town until tomorrow so I hope to speak to the Ivf nurse sometime tomorrow to figure out the excact protocol and timeline.  So far all I know is the I'm on the bcp for two weeks to suppress everything then we will begin!  Ahhhhh it might be finally a possibility!

Christmas Questions!

Everyone keeps asking if my Christmas shopping done, what I want for Christmas, and what are we doing for the holidays, and I just smile because if I don't........ I'm gonna cry.  I think the emotional side of this feeling is caused by many factors, one of which is that I FINALLY woke up to my lovely period! I literally said a prayer to God for this blessing in disguise because it returns a sense of hope and encouragement that maybe, there is a slight possibility, a slim chance that we will have a family someday. However, the disguise is the pain that is occurring in my lower region!  It feels like someone stabbed a fork into both ovaries and is twisting, similar to trying to twist spaghetti onto a fork, thank you endometriosis!  And in typical fashion I get it three days before Christmas, but hey, it's better than sitting around waiting, I've done enough of that for a while.  I'm anxious to call the RE tomorrow and spill the beans that I'm back in the game!!!!!!

Ok now back to Christmas!  I feel like I will never be all done shopping because the one person I was most excited to be with and spend this year with will not be here. This person will never know the joy of waking up and running to the tree to look for presents.  This person will never know what a great family he or she had, or what our family traditions are.  They won't even be able know the real reason for this holiday.  This person was taken away as quickly as he or she was given.  While the Christmas season has a magical sense, I will still long for the time and traditions that we would have started had our baby been born.  I am sad and excited.  Sad for the things that won't be but excited to begin to move forward with starting our family.

It seems like our baby is over looked and forgotten about, but I often think about him or her.  At family parties it's rarely brought up or talked about.  No one asks anymore how we are doing or how we are coping.  No one even thinks about what would have been different.  I can't blame anyone or obsess over it but I do.  I know I'm not alone in feeling this way but it feels like a secret that just keeps getting shoved under the rug.  I hope I can make it through the next few days without being a Debbie downer, but time will only tell.

So to answer the non stop questions, no I'm not done shopping and  never will be because I won't be shopping for the one person I wanted to this year.

I want something I will never get for Christmas, a baby!

And we are doing the exact same thing we always do for Christmas, there haven't been any new traditions started, maybe next year!

Lupron -Week Six Through Nine

As usual, it wasn't half as bad as I thought, in fact she didn't even announce it because the principal forgot to ask for celebrations.  Crisis averted!!

Short recap, I had one shot of lupron on 10/11 and then didn't do the second one on 11/8.  It's been a total of 9 weeks 2 days (said with sarcasm) since the first shot, and still haven't ovulated or gotten a period.  I was hoping to have started my period by now, but in true form, I don't always get what I want.  For the last week I have been having pretty much constant uterus twitching, at all hours of the day.  It's really awkward and uncomfortable, but doesn't hurt and causes no pain.  I have had a few painful cramps and then think to myself, oh I must have just ovulated, but then I take an OPK and it's still negative.

The only other issue (side effect) that I have had has been annoying is that about two weeks ago, week 8 since the first shot, I got 3 migraines in one week.  One Tuesday around 11 at work, the next Thursday around 12, then the last Sunday around 9 pm.  I called the RE and they said it isn't a normal side effect of lupron if I didn't have them when I initially got the shot.  So armed with that knowledge I went to my general doctor, and he prescribed some migraine meds and chalked it up to stress and hormones.  Of course since then I've been migraine free!!  That day I also got a blood draw to check my levels and my estrogen was around 142, progesterone 0.81, so it looks like I'm about to ovulate as of a week ago, but still haven't.   Still sitting around waiting.  This waiting thing is not a strong suit of mine, I'm just saying!

You Will Be Next!

It is going to take every ounce of my will power to get up and go to work tomorrow, no it's not because of the snow storm coming that in all actuality probably won't amount to anything special, but it's because a colleague at school/work, who mind you got married less than a year ago, will be announcing her pregnancy at our staff meeting.  I was somewhat of a mentor to her last year and she did tell me a few weeks ago, which was thoughtful, probably so I wouldn't break into tears in front of everyone!!!  To be honest, I had guessed she was pregnant with my pregdar, a new skill I have of seeing, obsessing, and guessing whenever anyone around me is pregnant.  She is a great person and I wish her the best of luck, but they tried for one month!!! One stinking month.  I am so jealous, envious, and sad, all of which last year I would have beaten myself up about.  We have been trying for over two years now including one entire year of fertility treatment!

It's just very frustrating because it's not me (Pity party for me)!  All I have ever wanted as far back as I can remember, was to be a mom.  I played house until I was far beyond the play years because I loved babies and everything about them.  I have a slightly odd obsession with strollers and baby carriers.  I babysat my way through high school and college, and I even went into education.  I love kids but why can't I have one of my own.

I know I will get a few comments tomorrow from my closer friends at school that "You will be next," but gosh I've been hearing that for the entire five years I have been married, and it's not, again.  I am a go getter, type A, and everything I have ever wanted I have been able to work hard at and get.  But why can't I get the one thing I want and have minimal control over I can't have!?!?  Ahhhhhh,  the issue at hand, control!  I think that is the root of all evils here, I have zero, zip, zilch control right now!

Frustrated and still sitting around waiting.

Fertility Clinic 101 - Big or Small?

When we were initially looking at fertility clinic and reproductive endocrinologists or RE's we went to 4 different doctors, two at big clinics and two at small clinics.  I was very thorough, or so I thought, and asked all the same questions to each doctor to compare what they said.  Being new to this, I didn't really know what to look for or what to ask, and we truly chose the RE and clinic on which one doctor we felt most comfortable with and which made us feel most at ease.  That is how we initially chose the doctor we wanted to start our journey with.

We decided to start with a smaller clinic with one doctor and two offices.  I thought that this would be for me, and what I needed, but it wasn't.  I think this could work for some, and while it did have its positives, for me it had too many draw backs.  There was only one nurse at my office.  Now having one nurse can be extremely appealing, however that meant that I had to leave voicemails every time I called, and she had to call me back.  I am not very good at waiting, and I guess I could be described as at little impulsive, unlike Mr. E who likes to ponder things forever.... before taking action.  So for me that wasn't ideal.   It also meant that she was the only one that I ever spoke to, which I didn't prefer, as she was not always in the best mood, and I felt like I annoyed her with my petty, nonstop questions.  We also had to travel to the city (one hour drive there) for all procedures (iui's and high tech ultrasounds), so that wasn't ideal either.  One more issue was that when my doctor would go abroad to teach classes or whatever he was doing, that meant nothing could happen, we literally were going to have to wait a cycle because he was gone for a month and that was just frustrating.

We are now with a larger clinic, with six doctors but only three work out of the location I go to.  I am much more comfortable there.  While it's not perfect, and I don't expect anything to be, for me it's just a much better fit.  I always speak to someone, the hours are better, I know what days the nice nurses work ;), and I've even been able to see the doctor between blood work and "the magic wand!!"

In retrospect, picking a clinic purely on the doctor is not what you want to do.  With that being said, our first clinic did give us a lot of hope, knowledge, and taught me that I really do need to be proactive because I am my best advocate.

Thanksgiving

So we are a few days past thanksgiving, which in the teachers world means report cards and conferences, so apologies for not writing, but it's been a bit crazy.  Anyways, I typically love thanksgiving because it is the start of the holiday festivities, a year ending, and a new one on the horizon (oh, and the beginning of Christmas music being some what tolerated by Mr. E).  However this year I am a bit apprehensive of all of it.  While I know I have a lot to be thankful for, it can be difficult to always see the positives instead of harping on what we don't have simply because I am still grieving the losses from this passed year.

It's very difficult to see the world continuing on as it always does and always will, although I feel like a different person.  I see things through a new set of eyes, not necessarily in a better or worse set, just different.   In some ways I am stronger, and in some ways I am weaker.  My perspective on life has changed throughout all of this, but above all I think I am more apprehensive of new things.  I also have begun to understand the harsh reality that there are no guarantees in life.

Still sitting around waiting.......