It is going to take every ounce of my will power to get up and go to work tomorrow, no it's not because of the snow storm coming that in all actuality probably won't amount to anything special, but it's because a colleague at school/work, who mind you got married less than a year ago, will be announcing her pregnancy at our staff meeting. I was somewhat of a mentor to her last year and she did tell me a few weeks ago, which was thoughtful, probably so I wouldn't break into tears in front of everyone!!! To be honest, I had guessed she was pregnant with my pregdar, a new skill I have of seeing, obsessing, and guessing whenever anyone around me is pregnant. She is a great person and I wish her the best of luck, but they tried for one month!!! One stinking month. I am so jealous, envious, and sad, all of which last year I would have beaten myself up about. We have been trying for over two years now including one entire year of fertility treatment!
It's just very frustrating because it's not me (Pity party for me)! All I have ever wanted as far back as I can remember, was to be a mom. I played house until I was far beyond the play years because I loved babies and everything about them. I have a slightly odd obsession with strollers and baby carriers. I babysat my way through high school and college, and I even went into education. I love kids but why can't I have one of my own.
I know I will get a few comments tomorrow from my closer friends at school that "You will be next," but gosh I've been hearing that for the entire five years I have been married, and it's not, again. I am a go getter, type A, and everything I have ever wanted I have been able to work hard at and get. But why can't I get the one thing I want and have minimal control over I can't have!?!? Ahhhhhh, the issue at hand, control! I think that is the root of all evils here, I have zero, zip, zilch control right now!
Frustrated and still sitting around waiting.
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