I have been holding off on posting what is going on because to be quite honest, I didn't know. We had our consult with the RE last week Tuesday and he said that this was an implantation failure and it could have been numerous different reasons all of which are possible, but all of which will never be known.
In moving forward we could have done an IVF cycle this month, but we are going on vacation and it would be too close in terms of timing. When we left the office I was okay with the idea that we would take a month off, ttc the good old fashioned way, and just bd when it was time.
Yea well that lasted all of 24 hours before I had talked myself into trying to squeeze in an IUI before we leave. If it all doesn't work out we can always just do TI after trigger. So today I went in for baselines and started menopur again.
I don't know if this is the right answer
I don't know if my body can handle it
I don't know if emotionally I can do this
I don't know if this cycle will result in a live birth
but I do know that not trying would be more difficult than failing again.
This cycle was kinda thrown together half-assly (if that's not a word then sorry) but nonetheless we are going full force ahead! I think I would rather have a lot of shitty months in a row then alot of shitty months spread out, so that's my reasoning for now, it's what's getting me up in the morning and it's what helps me fall asleep at night. We shell see!
Monday, March 17, 2014
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
Pissy
When you go through a loss it seems like the people who you want to think will be the most supportive usually tend to be the least supportive and end up making you feel worse. Why is that? Usually my mom would be the #1 colpurat, but after consoling me four times she's actually getting the hang of it!
Case #1 my best friend. I told her tonight that we had another chemical pregnancy, or early miscarriage for those who aren't in the fertility world, and the first thing she said is thank you for not telling me be it is so hard for me. So rude is all I was thinking but what I said was I can only imagine how hard this is for her but I need people to talk to about this. Clearly I was being the selfish one for sharing very personal, difficult information with her and asking for support. I texted her today and cleared up the misunderstanding.
Case #2 religious family members - I hate the saying God has a plan don't worry. I do worry, and I don't like Gods plan. This hurts like hell to have a precious gift from Him that is so quickly given and then taken away
I am probably still being hormonal (heck technically I'm still pregnant which sucks) and crazy and I apologize, but until you've been in these shoes back the fuck off and be respectful. If you don't know what to say, google it, there are no excuses anymore, look it up there are numerous great articles out there.
Love
Pissy, shitty, and hormonal Mrs. E
Case #1 my best friend. I told her tonight that we had another chemical pregnancy, or early miscarriage for those who aren't in the fertility world, and the first thing she said is thank you for not telling me be it is so hard for me. So rude is all I was thinking but what I said was I can only imagine how hard this is for her but I need people to talk to about this. Clearly I was being the selfish one for sharing very personal, difficult information with her and asking for support. I texted her today and cleared up the misunderstanding.
Case #2 religious family members - I hate the saying God has a plan don't worry. I do worry, and I don't like Gods plan. This hurts like hell to have a precious gift from Him that is so quickly given and then taken away
I am probably still being hormonal (heck technically I'm still pregnant which sucks) and crazy and I apologize, but until you've been in these shoes back the fuck off and be respectful. If you don't know what to say, google it, there are no excuses anymore, look it up there are numerous great articles out there.
Love
Pissy, shitty, and hormonal Mrs. E
Monday, March 10, 2014
IVF #1 Chemical Pregnancy :( :(
That title gets a double sad face :(
another
chemical
pregnancy.
All my numbers are tail spinning down and............I started spotting yesterday so looks like AF is right around the corner. I knew it was coming after my conversation with the nurse on Friday, but it ain't over (at least to me) until the Ivf nurse sings, and she sang.
I always hold out a little bit of hope that I will have that weird, totally unbelievable story, that defies all rules and logic, but no such luck and it still just as painful.
I thought I would be better emotionally, knowing that losing the pregnancy was the most logical outcome, but it was and is just as hard.
I feel ok one second then devastated the next, then sick to my stomach, then stable, then so upset, then I cry, then I'm back to ok.
Luckily, I was able to get in for a consult tomorrow so we should have some sort of an answer and hopefully a plan for what's next.
another
chemical
pregnancy.
All my numbers are tail spinning down and............I started spotting yesterday so looks like AF is right around the corner. I knew it was coming after my conversation with the nurse on Friday, but it ain't over (at least to me) until the Ivf nurse sings, and she sang.
I always hold out a little bit of hope that I will have that weird, totally unbelievable story, that defies all rules and logic, but no such luck and it still just as painful.
I thought I would be better emotionally, knowing that losing the pregnancy was the most logical outcome, but it was and is just as hard.
I feel ok one second then devastated the next, then sick to my stomach, then stable, then so upset, then I cry, then I'm back to ok.
Luckily, I was able to get in for a consult tomorrow so we should have some sort of an answer and hopefully a plan for what's next.
Friday, March 7, 2014
IVF #1 Second beta :(
Just got off the phone worth the nurse, hcg dropped from 180.9 to 119.2, estrodial went up from 1454 to 1527, and progesterone went down from 79.2 to 46.76.
The nurse said that since I started out so high to think positive, maybe it's a twin that didn't take, but I know what this means. Another chemical pregnancy.
Literally I am so sad.
I thought either we wouldn't get pregnant or we would and we would carry to term. I didn't even run this option through my head because there is no way I would be able to handle another loss, but here we go again.
I asked if I could come in Sunday because I know they are there, she said no weekends are only for monitoring, so I have to wait until Monday and we will do another hcg.
Literally
Can't
Comprehend
It
:(
The nurse said that since I started out so high to think positive, maybe it's a twin that didn't take, but I know what this means. Another chemical pregnancy.
Literally I am so sad.
I thought either we wouldn't get pregnant or we would and we would carry to term. I didn't even run this option through my head because there is no way I would be able to handle another loss, but here we go again.
I asked if I could come in Sunday because I know they are there, she said no weekends are only for monitoring, so I have to wait until Monday and we will do another hcg.
Literally
Can't
Comprehend
It
:(
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
IVF #1 Beta
So, these two weeks were much longer than I had anticipated. I spent hours scouring the internet for all sorts of things. I feel like my anxiety was at bay, most of the time, and I was as calm as I could be. Each minute felt like it took an hour, but it's finally over.
We are officially pregnant!
With that being said it is sooooo hard to be excited. We have been down this road (of positive betas,) three times before and all have ended in loss. I think it's fair to say that we are apprehensively optimistic (with huge smiles).
I keep trying to see the glass half full and if you haven't lost a child before you can't understand how difficult it is to be pregnant again, it's just so difficult. Obviously I was ecstatic the first few minutes on the phone with the nurse but then reality sunk in. It's so painful to get your hopes up and have them ripped away from you over and over again. Every cramp or twing I feel I think of the losses, every time I go to the bathroom I am expecting red on the toilet paper.
I want so badly to feel the same way as our first pregnancy, naive, excited, and planning the next few years of our lives, but I can't do that to myself anymore, it's too painful. So until I see that heartbeat........... apprehensively optomistic it is!
We are officially pregnant!
With that being said it is sooooo hard to be excited. We have been down this road (of positive betas,) three times before and all have ended in loss. I think it's fair to say that we are apprehensively optimistic (with huge smiles).
I keep trying to see the glass half full and if you haven't lost a child before you can't understand how difficult it is to be pregnant again, it's just so difficult. Obviously I was ecstatic the first few minutes on the phone with the nurse but then reality sunk in. It's so painful to get your hopes up and have them ripped away from you over and over again. Every cramp or twing I feel I think of the losses, every time I go to the bathroom I am expecting red on the toilet paper.
I want so badly to feel the same way as our first pregnancy, naive, excited, and planning the next few years of our lives, but I can't do that to myself anymore, it's too painful. So until I see that heartbeat........... apprehensively optomistic it is!
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