IUI #5

We didn't really have an iui so I guess this cycle will just be called half-ass!  We ended up triggering Saturday night, March 29th, at 7pm and the cab picked us up for vacation at 12:15 am, Sunday March 30th! Obviously we didn't do an iui, just au natural and as I expected, it was a big fat negative.  Why would it have worked?  We tried the natural route minus the medicine for 13 months before the RE's route.

I just have no more words (as hard as that may be to believe).   Just annoyed, frustrated, pissed, feel like its so unfair, but in some sick way I'm somehow looking forward to moving onto IVF #2.

Anyways, we spent a magical week in Puerto Vallarta, 82 degrees and sunny everyday.  It was just what the doctor ordered........ except for the negative beta :/

I think everyone should go away right after a cycle because I truly felt alive and normal again.  I could walk around and not have anyone wondering if this would finally be our month, no one was asking how I was with an awkward pause because what they really meant is what is really going on, and no one looking at me with sad eyes.

Today when I went for my beta I asked about the recurrent pregnancy loss panel (RPL).  I thought that I had completed it all but couldn't find the results in my portal or place where all my blood work gets posted.  When I asked the nurse she said I only had about five done so I requested that I have the complete panel done.

The great thing about being with this larger clinic is that one of the doctor is a reproductive immunologist so I also asked if I should consult with her.  The nurse said that she would ask but that they would probably run the rpl panel then when I get pregnant we would consult with the other doctor.  I'm going to ask again when I talk to the nurse again tomorrow, but that's the plan for now.

When we spoke with the doctor after our loss we decided to do a short flare protocol to see how I respond to that, so I have to call the IVF coordinator tomorrow and hopefully know more then.

IVF #1 Beta

So, these two weeks were much longer than I had anticipated.  I spent hours scouring the internet for all sorts of things.  I feel like my anxiety was at bay, most of the time, and I was as calm as I could be.  Each minute felt like it took an hour, but it's finally over.

We are officially pregnant!

With that being said it is sooooo hard to be excited. We have been down this road (of positive betas,) three times before and all have ended in loss.  I think it's fair to say that we are apprehensively  optimistic (with huge smiles).  

I keep trying to see the glass half full and if you haven't lost a child before you can't understand how difficult it is to be pregnant again, it's just so difficult.  Obviously I was ecstatic the first few minutes  on the phone with the nurse but then reality sunk in. It's so painful to get your hopes up and have them ripped away from you over and over again.  Every cramp or twing I feel I think of the losses, every time I go to the bathroom I am expecting red on the toilet paper.

I want so badly to feel the same way as our first pregnancy, naive, excited, and planning the next few years of our lives, but I can't do that to myself anymore, it's too painful.  So until I see that heartbeat........... apprehensively optomistic it is!

New Year......New Hope!?!?

This year we have learned and in the same beat been through a lot.  We learned that we can get pregnant via medicated iui's however we loss pregnancies very easily.

I learned to love Mr. E so much more.  He is truly my rock......... that is only if we agree on what I want or think is the right way to go :)

We learned that I have stage IV endometriosis, which is hopefully the reason we are having trouble keeping the pregnancies.

We learned that I have hashimoto's which is now treated with daily medication.

We (I) have tried so many different things to help us reach our goal of a healthy pregnancy.  I've done herbs, acupuncture, different doctors, naturopaths, food sensitivity testing, everything under the sun and I'll keep trying until something works.  I've opened my eyes to practices I previously would have disregarded as a waste of time, and I've enjoyed learning new things.

This year has brought us a lot of hope, but also a lot of sorrow.  We know we can get pregnant, however We have lost one baby at 7w4d, one at 5w4d, and one possibly at 5wd3.  All in five months.

I learned that I can inject myself with the scary needles.

I've learned to be okay with numerous people looking and placing things into my you know what.

I no longer fear blood draws........ well actually that is a lie.  I am only at ease with them if Gia, the blood draw goddess, is waiting for me with the butterfly needle, otherwise I am fearful!!!


I have learned that I can wait if I really try.  It's kind of similar to looking back and thinking, well those three months flew by, but each day was very long and felt like it was so slowwwwwww.  But always in retrospect it was much easier than actually living each second.

I've also learned that above most I want one healthy child.  Before I had dreamed of having 2-4 children, but now I would be happy with one.

This coming year brings a lot of unknowns and I know it will not be easy. I'm ready to hop back on the infertility roller coaster and get the show on the road.  I am going to try to relinquish some of the control and see what happens.  

I.V.F.

Those scary, strong, exciting letters will be in our near future.  I spoke with the nurse last Tuesday, I know I know, without updating, but I officially started birth control pills (bcp) to begin the Ivf process or protocol.  I am excited, nervous, and scared all at the same time.  I have done two cycles with injectables, so it's not the needles this time, thank goodness, but I think it the unknown and possibilities of another loss that is what is making me the most apprehensive and skeptical.

Originally we were going to wait another cycle and then start, but I'm ready to start agin now, heck I would have started the next month if we could have.  Our doctor was out of town until tomorrow so I hope to speak to the Ivf nurse sometime tomorrow to figure out the excact protocol and timeline.  So far all I know is the I'm on the bcp for two weeks to suppress everything then we will begin!  Ahhhhh it might be finally a possibility!

Christmas Questions!

Everyone keeps asking if my Christmas shopping done, what I want for Christmas, and what are we doing for the holidays, and I just smile because if I don't........ I'm gonna cry.  I think the emotional side of this feeling is caused by many factors, one of which is that I FINALLY woke up to my lovely period! I literally said a prayer to God for this blessing in disguise because it returns a sense of hope and encouragement that maybe, there is a slight possibility, a slim chance that we will have a family someday. However, the disguise is the pain that is occurring in my lower region!  It feels like someone stabbed a fork into both ovaries and is twisting, similar to trying to twist spaghetti onto a fork, thank you endometriosis!  And in typical fashion I get it three days before Christmas, but hey, it's better than sitting around waiting, I've done enough of that for a while.  I'm anxious to call the RE tomorrow and spill the beans that I'm back in the game!!!!!!

Ok now back to Christmas!  I feel like I will never be all done shopping because the one person I was most excited to be with and spend this year with will not be here. This person will never know the joy of waking up and running to the tree to look for presents.  This person will never know what a great family he or she had, or what our family traditions are.  They won't even be able know the real reason for this holiday.  This person was taken away as quickly as he or she was given.  While the Christmas season has a magical sense, I will still long for the time and traditions that we would have started had our baby been born.  I am sad and excited.  Sad for the things that won't be but excited to begin to move forward with starting our family.

It seems like our baby is over looked and forgotten about, but I often think about him or her.  At family parties it's rarely brought up or talked about.  No one asks anymore how we are doing or how we are coping.  No one even thinks about what would have been different.  I can't blame anyone or obsess over it but I do.  I know I'm not alone in feeling this way but it feels like a secret that just keeps getting shoved under the rug.  I hope I can make it through the next few days without being a Debbie downer, but time will only tell.

So to answer the non stop questions, no I'm not done shopping and  never will be because I won't be shopping for the one person I wanted to this year.

I want something I will never get for Christmas, a baby!

And we are doing the exact same thing we always do for Christmas, there haven't been any new traditions started, maybe next year!

Fertility Clinic 101 - Big or Small?

When we were initially looking at fertility clinic and reproductive endocrinologists or RE's we went to 4 different doctors, two at big clinics and two at small clinics.  I was very thorough, or so I thought, and asked all the same questions to each doctor to compare what they said.  Being new to this, I didn't really know what to look for or what to ask, and we truly chose the RE and clinic on which one doctor we felt most comfortable with and which made us feel most at ease.  That is how we initially chose the doctor we wanted to start our journey with.

We decided to start with a smaller clinic with one doctor and two offices.  I thought that this would be for me, and what I needed, but it wasn't.  I think this could work for some, and while it did have its positives, for me it had too many draw backs.  There was only one nurse at my office.  Now having one nurse can be extremely appealing, however that meant that I had to leave voicemails every time I called, and she had to call me back.  I am not very good at waiting, and I guess I could be described as at little impulsive, unlike Mr. E who likes to ponder things forever.... before taking action.  So for me that wasn't ideal.   It also meant that she was the only one that I ever spoke to, which I didn't prefer, as she was not always in the best mood, and I felt like I annoyed her with my petty, nonstop questions.  We also had to travel to the city (one hour drive there) for all procedures (iui's and high tech ultrasounds), so that wasn't ideal either.  One more issue was that when my doctor would go abroad to teach classes or whatever he was doing, that meant nothing could happen, we literally were going to have to wait a cycle because he was gone for a month and that was just frustrating.

We are now with a larger clinic, with six doctors but only three work out of the location I go to.  I am much more comfortable there.  While it's not perfect, and I don't expect anything to be, for me it's just a much better fit.  I always speak to someone, the hours are better, I know what days the nice nurses work ;), and I've even been able to see the doctor between blood work and "the magic wand!!"

In retrospect, picking a clinic purely on the doctor is not what you want to do.  With that being said, our first clinic did give us a lot of hope, knowledge, and taught me that I really do need to be proactive because I am my best advocate.

Thanksgiving

So we are a few days past thanksgiving, which in the teachers world means report cards and conferences, so apologies for not writing, but it's been a bit crazy.  Anyways, I typically love thanksgiving because it is the start of the holiday festivities, a year ending, and a new one on the horizon (oh, and the beginning of Christmas music being some what tolerated by Mr. E).  However this year I am a bit apprehensive of all of it.  While I know I have a lot to be thankful for, it can be difficult to always see the positives instead of harping on what we don't have simply because I am still grieving the losses from this passed year.

It's very difficult to see the world continuing on as it always does and always will, although I feel like a different person.  I see things through a new set of eyes, not necessarily in a better or worse set, just different.   In some ways I am stronger, and in some ways I am weaker.  My perspective on life has changed throughout all of this, but above all I think I am more apprehensive of new things.  I also have begun to understand the harsh reality that there are no guarantees in life.

Still sitting around waiting.......

IUI's are a big deal!

I'm gonna let ya all in on a little secret! Doing iui's is not considered a big deal in the RE world.  However, to me, each and every one we did felt like a big deal.  For the last two we even did injectables, just like if we were doing Ivf! Maybe I was naive in the beginning, but I'm not anymore and I think it's unfair that they aren't more important.  I get that they cost way less than Ivf from a monetary standpoint, but they are equal in terms of an emotional investment.

Now let's be honest, by the time you get to the point of going to an RE, you more than likely will need more than just an iui.  It just seems a bit unfair that they aren't considered more important but I guess you have to draw the line somewhere!?!?!?  We have done four cycles with a total of seven iui's and have had three of them work, just not stick!

That's one injustice in the world that I've been thinking about while I've been sitting around waiting.

Penny for your thoughts :/

Every few hours of my waking days this week, I have had moments that I think about what would have been and what our lives would be like had our baby been born November 9th.

While driving home from work I wondered if we would have already had the baby, or if I would have delivered past the due date.

While at breakfast I wondered if we would have been out and about yet as new parents, or would we have been too nervous and spent the entire first week at home?

While sitting on the couch, I wondered if I would have been sleep deprived yet.

While at the grocery store I almost started crying as we walked past the baby aisle, would I have gone down that aisle had he or she been there?

It's just the little things everyone takes for granted that I hope not to if we do someday become parents.

Lupron -Week Four/Five

I've been slacking and I haven't written in a while, sorry!!

Lupron, lupron, lupron, how I haven't missed you a bit!  I called the doctors office last week and met with the doctor about the next injection.  I had been feeling very emotional and emotionally uncontrollable which was causing my anxiety to increase.  I would have 2-3 good days where I would feel good, I didn't say normal, but my emotions were somewhat under control and I wasn't feeling like I had to cry every time someone said the wrong thing. But then.........then I would have a bad day, which consisted of almost uncontrollable crying, major anxiety, and very hypersensitive to everything.  After discussing it with the RE, we mutually decided it wasn't worth it and I would not take the next shot.  This was both relieving and made me nervous, which you probably would have guessed!


Good news is that we made it through our first due date from our first precious angle who we lost in March.  I've said this before in a previous post but the only thing that got me through everything was that I thought I would for sure be pregnant by this date, but I'm not :( Mr. E and I went downtown Chicago and went out to eat and spent the night.  It was a very nice distraction but it was still very difficult.


Ehhh so that's about it for now, I just have to wait until AF comes, so we shall see how long that will be.

Coulda, woulda, shoulda

We dropped off some donations at goodwill a few days ago and decided to take a look around.  Neither Mr. E nor I were in the mood to bargain hunt, which for me is a rarity!  We did a quick lap and on our way out encountered two men with three children running wild, screaming, and all fighting for attention.  I'm not one to judge, but the man looks at me and say, "never have children," laughs, and walks away.

My immediate response was to smile and pretend I either knew what he was talking about, or pretend that I didn't want children due to the fact that they are so difficult to manage, why would I.  In typical manner I thought of all of the responses I coulda, woulda, shoulda said...



I do want children and have had three miscarriages and am currently on a 3-4 month treatment plan so that my body is in optimal shape to try again, oh and it will probably never happen naturally for us, so we will need to continue the fertility treatment that we have already been doing for just about a year.

Or

If I had children I would never have to use that comment as an excuse because my children would know how to behave in public.

Or

If you spent more time with your children and less time making sarcastic comments to complete strangers about your inabilities to raise children, maybe they would know how to behave and not embarrass you

Or

Sorry you stink at parenting, but I hope not to someday




But the truth is I am not that witty, nor is it fair for me to judge you and your abilities or inabilities to raise children, so I will simply smile, feel the pit in my stomach churn, the hole in my heart grown bigger, continue on my way.  Oh and then blog about you!

TTC Timeline

June 2009
Married my best friend on a magical day.  Everything was perfect and we had the best time ever! (I'm sure everyone says that but It was perfect)

December 2011
Stopped bc and started the journey to have a baby.....

December 2012
After 12 entire cycles TTC and not even one pregnancy we Did initial work up with My obgyn as he insisted that he could do everything that the RE would.  I agreed to do all testing with him but now regret losing the two months that we did because once we went to RE they redid everything.  Go straight to RE!

January 2013
Met with four different doctors and choose one.

February 2013
Clomid 100mg, ovidrel, and iui 16 hours later, crinone........... BFP

March 2013
M/C diagnosed at 7w3d, baby had no hb and stopped growing at 6w1d.  D&C scheduled for 3/27

May 2013
Got AF 5/11 and had consult with doc. Decided on natural iui cycle with ovidrel.  Back to back iui's and then went to Paris for the tww with crinone in tow!

June 2013
BFP........ended in chemical 5w3d

July/August 2013
Changed doctors (due to location and crabby nurse) and started Injectables, menopur, ovidrel, hcg booster, and crinone...... BFP........"probably chemical" 5w2d

August/September 2013
Injectables, menopur, ovidrel, hcg booster, and crinone....... BFN

September 2013
9/23 Laparscopy, hysteroscopy, and endometrial removed, stage IV endometriosis diagnosed.

October 2013
Started lupron :( 10/11/13

November 2013
No more lupron :)

December 2013
12/26 Started BCP for our first IVF cycle!

January 2014
1/19 started lupron
1/24 stopped bcp
1/31 started stims

February 2014
2/16 Eggretrieval 6
2/19 Egg transfer 2 at day 3

March 2014
3/5 Beta #1 - 180.9
3/7 Beta #2 - 119
3/10 Beta #3 - 34 chemical pregnancy :(
3/17 started stims IUI
3/29 Trigger /TI

April 2014
4/16 Beta BFN
4/18 Started stims for IVF #2

May 2014
5/1 Egg Retrival 8
5/6 Egg transfer 2 at day 5
5/19 Beta

Rough weekend!

Rough weekend. We have lost two babies maybe three, one at 7 weeks 3 days (considered a miscarriage), one at 5 weeks 3 days ( considered a chemical pregnancy, or very early miscarriage), and one was "probably a chemical pregnancy" at 5 weeks 2 days. Each one was just as difficult, but In about a month will be the first due date.  November 9th will always be a rough day.  My one thought that got me throughout most of the hard days was that I would for sure be pregnant on that day and it would at least be tolerable.  Well that is not going to happen.

From the beginning of us starting fertility treatment I always said, if you tell me I'm going to lose five babies ( not that it would be easier) but at the end I will have a healthy baby, I would be able to do it.  As each positive pregnancy test came and then painfully went, I came to a somewhat peaceful understanding that there are never any guarantees with this process, let alone life.

This weekend I started thinking about what mr. E. And I can do on the first dreaded due date.  I then went online to look what others had done to honor their angles.  This lead me to a miscarriage support group on baby center, and the Into a women's post stated "I'm not ok."   I knew and know exactly about where she was.  There are no words that anyone can say, in fact usually people only make it worse.  Not because they mean to, and only because they care, but many times they don't know what to say.  I too am guilty of these exact phrases that I have said to friends that have lost babies, but I even tried to believe these sayings too.  I found an article that someone wrote that I wished I could have sent to every person who knew about our babies.

Seven things not to say

* "You can always have another one" - it doesn't help much to know you can have another baby. The parents didn't just want any baby, they wanted THAT baby. Before they can think about another one they need to grieve for their lost one. They have lost their hopes and dreams as well.
* "There was probably something wrong with it - it's natures way." This may be true but it is no comfort to hear it. They want to believe it was a perfect baby, and that's who they are grieving for.
* "It's God's will" - People may or may not believe this. Whatever the case, it's still sad. You are better supporting the parents' grief than getting into theology.
* "At least you didn't know the baby - it would have been much worse if it had happened later" - it does not help to minimize and invalidate a miscarriage, it is not the length of the pregnancy, but the strength of the parents' attachment, that determines the intensity of their grief.
* "I know how you feel" - this statement can seem arrogant, even if you have miscarried yourself, as everyone reacts differently. Other losses can compound grief.
* "It wasn't really a baby yet" - that may not be how the parents see it. If it wasn't a baby what was it? To them it was real and they are grieving.
* "You're young, there's plenty of time. If you'd stop focusing on being pregnant so much it will just happen"


Seven helpful things to say

* "I'm so sorry about your Miscarriage." These simple words mean a lot, especially if you allow the Mum or Dad to talk further, or not to talk, as they wish.
* "I know how much you wanted that baby." Here you are simply acknowledging that something precious has been lost, and opening a door to talk more.
* "It's okay to cry." - this can sound like Hollywood but it's reassuring for the Mum or Dad to know they are not being judged for their tears and sadness.
* "Can I call you back next week to see how you are doing?" Often people are sympathetic the first time, then never mention miscarriage again. You can expect the parents to still be grieving for weeks or months, so it is reassuring for them to know your support is ongoing.
* "I was wondering how you are feeling about your miscarriage now" - it's nice for them to have the opportunity to talk about their miscarriage even if it is a long time later and after a successful pregnancy as well. Parents do not forget a miscarriage.
* "I don't really know what to say." The good thing about this is that it is honest. The fact that you are available to listen is what's really important.
* "It must be so awful for you after going through those weeks of IVF treatment to have lost your baby."

Anyways just wanted to share where I am today..... We will see........