He's Here

Our baby boy entered this world six months ago, January 10th 2015.

He is a happy and healthy little man and our dream of having a living child has come true.  There were so many nights I would cry at the thought that maybe I wasn't put on this earth to be a mother or that maybe I wasn't worthy enough.  I now know that wasn't true and that I was worthy.... God extended pure joy, perfection, and love into our lives and his name is Jude! 

His birth story will be in another post I promise!

He is truly a blessing, the light at the end of the tunnel, our rainbow at the end of a storm after the long journey we have been on, but worth every tear of frustration, loss, and sorrow.  

We love you Jude-bug! Thanks for the honor of being your mommy! 

What's next you may ask!?!?

I have been holding off on posting what is going on because to be quite honest, I didn't know.  We had our consult with the RE last week Tuesday and he said that this was an implantation failure and it could have been numerous different reasons all of which are possible, but all of which will never be known.

In moving forward we could have done an IVF cycle this month, but we are going on vacation and it would be too close in terms of timing.  When we left the office I was okay with the idea that we would take a month off, ttc the good old fashioned way, and just bd when it was time.

Yea well that lasted all of 24 hours before I had talked myself into trying to squeeze in an IUI before we leave. If it all doesn't work out we can always just do TI after trigger.  So today I went in for baselines and started menopur again.

I don't know if this is the right answer
I don't know if my body can handle it
I don't know if emotionally I can do this
I don't know if this cycle will result in a live birth
but I do know that not trying would be more difficult than failing again.

This cycle was kinda thrown together half-assly (if that's not a word then sorry) but nonetheless we are going full force ahead!  I think I would rather have a lot of shitty months in a row then alot of shitty months spread out, so that's my reasoning for now, it's what's getting me up in the morning and it's what helps me fall asleep at night.  We shell see!

Pissy

When you go through a loss it seems like the people who you want to think will be the most supportive usually tend to be the least supportive and end up making you feel worse.  Why is that?  Usually my mom would be the #1 colpurat, but after consoling me four times she's actually getting the hang of it!

Case #1 my best friend.  I told her tonight that we had another chemical pregnancy, or early miscarriage for those who aren't in the fertility world, and the first thing she said is thank you for not telling me be it is so hard for me.  So rude is all I was thinking but what I said was I can only imagine how hard this is for her but I need people to talk to about this.  Clearly I was being the selfish one for sharing very personal, difficult information with her and asking for support.  I texted her today and cleared up the misunderstanding.

Case #2 religious family members - I hate the saying God has a plan don't worry.  I do worry, and I don't like Gods plan.  This hurts like hell to have a precious gift from Him that is so quickly given and then taken away

I am probably still being hormonal (heck technically I'm still pregnant which sucks) and crazy and I apologize, but until you've been in these shoes back the fuck off and be respectful.  If you don't know what to say, google it, there are no excuses anymore, look it up there are numerous great articles out there.

Love
Pissy, shitty, and hormonal Mrs. E

IVF #1 Transfer!

We had our three days transfer today!  The doctor wanted five day transfer, but I said I would be too disappointed if we waited until five and had none so he "let" us do a three.  When I asked what his reasoning was for a five day the nurse had no explanation so I asked her to please ask if I could do a three day and she said she would.  If I had four plus then I would have been more comfortable with a five day, but I only had what I had.  They didn't have a report on what/how many had made it bc new literature came out that the more you look and move the embryos there is a lesser chance of splitting. I almost screamed in the phone that the literature that I had read said to do a three day transfer if you had less than four, but I didn't and got my way!

I had to repeat to myself over and over again that there is nothing I could do over the last few days.  Probably said it 200 times!  

The actual transfer wasn't bad at all! Not peeing on the doctor, now that was bad but I made it.  The first pee after was a-mazing!  

Now the big news both, meaning two, great quality embryos were transfered.  I fully understand that doesn't mean that both will implant but it makes me feel so much better knowing that we have a slightly higher chance of having ONE healthy baby!   

Tonight we had to do two big needle shots, one hcg and one progesterone and I almost passed out, not fun!  Guess we are PUPO and so happy about it!  

IVF #1 Retrieval

Ta daaaaaa, we triggered Friday night at 10 and it wasn't half as bad as I anticipated it to be.  Then next day however I was rather sore!  Mr. E did a great job and I was so proud of how he handled it!

I tried to stay busy yesterday and off the internet, because it only increases my anxiety about all of this. Mr. E has a pretty bad cold so we laid low Friday night and Saturday but it was nice to relax and have no obligations.

Today I woke up at 6:43, showered, and then we headed out to the egg retrieval. It was so calm, easy, and quick, that is after they got the IV in!  Luckily I had a great nurse who got the IV in on the first time!  I was very nervous about that but he did awesome.  We were the only people there and it felt very special to have the entire facility to ourselves!  The actual procedure was simple, they did a "timeout" and then I was out!  It was a bit awkward putting my legs up in the very wide stirrups with nothing covering me, but how many lady parts do those people see, hundreds so mine isn't any different.  Then I woke up in the recliner and about an hour later we left!  I did have a bit of cramping on my right but nothing more than a 6 so I'll take it.  Now I'm having a bit more cramping.  Very minimal bleeding.

When we were walking out they said we got five eggs and we will know tomorrow how many were mature and fertilized.  We will then do a 2-5 day transfer, tomorrow is day one.  Very excited and nervous about all that is to come but only time will tell!

Oh and here's our med list for the next few days until transfer, then a whole new regiment!

-Heparin am and pm
-Aspirin pm
-Antibiotic am and pm
-Starting Tuesday PIO pm

IVF # 1 Trigger

T. R. I. G. G. E. R!  

Finally after 14 days of stims, 82 shots, and many sleepless nights I get to inject myself (I should give credit where credit is due, Mr. E will be doing this)  with a 1 1/2 inch needle in the derrière!  

Best. Valentines. Day. Gift. Ever

The shot needs to be taken at EXACTLY 10 pm then ER is scheduled for Sunday at 9!  I am so excited, hopeful, and feel like it can't be real!  I called Mr E as soon as I heard I could hear the apprehension in his voice. I asked why he wasn't as happy as I was and he said it was too hard to keep getting excited and being let down :(   I totally understand but I'm just so thankful to be moving forward it makes me literally cry, and I mean literally I did!

I'm a little nervous about the shot but I have had it three times at the doctors office so I'll live!  Can't wait!

IVF #1 Stim Day 14

I feel like a negative nelly but I don't know how women stim for 18-20 days!  One. More. Day., as of 3:30 pm today, but who the heck knows anymore!  I'm fresh out of menopur, so let's hope I don't need more!  Heres tonight then I go back tomorrow for more wand fun!


AM
-5,000 u/ml Heprin

PM
-5 u lupron
-150 menopur
-225 folllistim
-5,000 Heprin
-baby aspirin

IVF #1 Stim Day 13

So today was a bit better in terms of results! I had six follies on my right, 18.8, 17.4, 11, 10 x 2, & 7, then three on left, 14, 13, & 7.  Estrogen was 706 which is slowing down.  Nurse said we will prob get 4-5 which is better than three like I thought!  Here's my regiment for tonight then back tomorrow for blood/ultra and hopefully trigger at night!

AM
-5,000 u/ml Heprin

PM
-5 u lupron
-150 menopur
-225 folllistim
-5,000 Heprin
-baby aspirin

IVF #1 Stim Days 11-12

Here's the deal...... After eleven days of stimming, with five shots a day, totaling 55(!) drum roll please.................. I have two more days of stims!  So frustrated, discouraged and upset.  I think I'd feel better about all of this if I had like 20 follicles, but I only have on average six total :( and three dominant.  I really hope I can even do an egg retrieval!  No one at the office seems to be worried, I mean they just keep saying the doctor reviewed your results and he wants you to continue with the same meds.  So here they are, not that I haven't posted this exact recipe like five times.

AM
-5,000 u/ml Heprin

PM
-5 u lupron
-150 menopur
-225 folllistim
-5,000 Heprin
-baby aspirin

Estrogen is 410, so at least it's still rising.

IVF#1 Stim Days 8-10

Staying the same as far as dosage but hoping that this slow and steady course I keep hearing about is going to pay off bc I just wanna get this show on the road already!!!!! I had four follies on my right ovary ranging from 11-6 and three on my left ranging from 8-6.  I really hope that when I go back Monday that there will be more strong follicles.  Here's my next few days.

AM
-5,000 u/ml Heprin

PM
-5 u lupron
-150 menopur
-225 folllistim
-5,000 Heprin
-baby aspirin

Oh and more good news, my estrogen went up to 106 so feeling less stressed about that!

IVF #1 Stim Days 6-7

Stim days six and seven! Got my instructions late, but I'm glad that we are changing some things.  I went up on follistim so I feel better about things! Here's what the next few days look like.....

AM
-5,000 u/ml Heprin

PM
-5 u lupron
-150 menopur
-225 follistim
-5,000 Heprin
-baby aspirin

I'm still super tired at night, but that's welcome bc it's better than not being able to sleep.    I did get my estrogen back today and it went up to 37! That's more than double, so I feel reassured that things are moving in the right direction.  I asked the nurse and she said I'll probably stim longer than 8 days, but that it is totally normal and ok!  Feeling good today! I go back Friday for blood and the magic wand.

IVF #1 Stim Days 4-5

Stim days four and five! Everything stays the exact same till the next ultra/blood work on Wednesday!

AM
-5,000 u/ml Heprin

PM
-5 u lupron
-150 menopur
-150 folllistim
-5,000 Heprin
-baby aspirin

Not much new here just really tired!  I did get my estrogen back and it's only a 5 after three nights of stims.  I hope that's ok! Will chat later!

IVF #1

I officially took the last bcp last night!  I am beyond excited and nervous to get this show on the road.  I have to admit that I used to be prettified of needles.  I think it's fair to say that I have gotten better, I administer all of my injections that go in my tummy, but I am still very nervous to do the PIO!  I watched a few videos last night and think I'm feeling a bit more confident, especially if someone can administer it to themselves, it can't be that bad.  I guess only time will tell.

Now we just have to wait for AF then go in for baseline blood and ultra (aka my old friend magic wand)!

Waving the White Flag

I cannot believe I am willfully taking Lupron again, but as of 20 minutes ago I did my first injection.  I'm panicking a bit due to the last shall we say, rough relationship Lupron and I had.  However I'm hoping that since it's part of our protocol (for Ivf) I will be able to tolerate it a bit more (but in all reality am fully prepared to be crazy for the next few weeks, sorry Mr. E!)

We met with the Ivf coordinator last Wednesday to sign the mountainous stack of paperwork. We also got the much anticipated calendar, but unfortunately it only had the next two weeks, which consist of bcp's and lupron.  On the brighter side with a new month, we will have a new regiment of meds and hopefully know if we will get our rainbow.

I am so excited to begin all of this, but feel a sad ache in my heart for the realization that we are where we are.   No woman ever anticipates that they will have to do this scary infertility stuff to have a healthy child, which ironically is what our bodies were intended to do.  It's been hard for me to relinquish control, as that is one of my biggest battles in my life but I've realized that me controlling things has brought me to this exact moment and point, so...........I surrender!  

Hope that's something fun!

I finally got all, well let's be honest, nothing goes right, so only most of my Ivf meds yesterday but in typical fashion there was an issue.  Of course one sheet of prescriptions accidentally didn't get faxed over, oops, but I'm getting the missing two tomorrow, so I'll live.  Nothing like adding a little more anxiety over this whole process.

I had to have the meds delivered to school bc the shipment requires a signature, and since well, I have a job, I couldn't be home to sign for them.  The very nice secretaries signed and didn't say anything but the nurse asked, I hope that's something fun.  I wanted to throw the huge box at her and scream no, as a matter of fact it is not.  That is unless you consider having to go through fertility treatment to conceive and hopefully have a healthy child fun, then I'm sorry but nothing fun about it.

Just gearing up to start the lupron Sunday

New Year......New Hope!?!?

This year we have learned and in the same beat been through a lot.  We learned that we can get pregnant via medicated iui's however we loss pregnancies very easily.

I learned to love Mr. E so much more.  He is truly my rock......... that is only if we agree on what I want or think is the right way to go :)

We learned that I have stage IV endometriosis, which is hopefully the reason we are having trouble keeping the pregnancies.

We learned that I have hashimoto's which is now treated with daily medication.

We (I) have tried so many different things to help us reach our goal of a healthy pregnancy.  I've done herbs, acupuncture, different doctors, naturopaths, food sensitivity testing, everything under the sun and I'll keep trying until something works.  I've opened my eyes to practices I previously would have disregarded as a waste of time, and I've enjoyed learning new things.

This year has brought us a lot of hope, but also a lot of sorrow.  We know we can get pregnant, however We have lost one baby at 7w4d, one at 5w4d, and one possibly at 5wd3.  All in five months.

I learned that I can inject myself with the scary needles.

I've learned to be okay with numerous people looking and placing things into my you know what.

I no longer fear blood draws........ well actually that is a lie.  I am only at ease with them if Gia, the blood draw goddess, is waiting for me with the butterfly needle, otherwise I am fearful!!!


I have learned that I can wait if I really try.  It's kind of similar to looking back and thinking, well those three months flew by, but each day was very long and felt like it was so slowwwwwww.  But always in retrospect it was much easier than actually living each second.

I've also learned that above most I want one healthy child.  Before I had dreamed of having 2-4 children, but now I would be happy with one.

This coming year brings a lot of unknowns and I know it will not be easy. I'm ready to hop back on the infertility roller coaster and get the show on the road.  I am going to try to relinquish some of the control and see what happens.  

I.V.F.

Those scary, strong, exciting letters will be in our near future.  I spoke with the nurse last Tuesday, I know I know, without updating, but I officially started birth control pills (bcp) to begin the Ivf process or protocol.  I am excited, nervous, and scared all at the same time.  I have done two cycles with injectables, so it's not the needles this time, thank goodness, but I think it the unknown and possibilities of another loss that is what is making me the most apprehensive and skeptical.

Originally we were going to wait another cycle and then start, but I'm ready to start agin now, heck I would have started the next month if we could have.  Our doctor was out of town until tomorrow so I hope to speak to the Ivf nurse sometime tomorrow to figure out the excact protocol and timeline.  So far all I know is the I'm on the bcp for two weeks to suppress everything then we will begin!  Ahhhhh it might be finally a possibility!

IUI's are a big deal!

I'm gonna let ya all in on a little secret! Doing iui's is not considered a big deal in the RE world.  However, to me, each and every one we did felt like a big deal.  For the last two we even did injectables, just like if we were doing Ivf! Maybe I was naive in the beginning, but I'm not anymore and I think it's unfair that they aren't more important.  I get that they cost way less than Ivf from a monetary standpoint, but they are equal in terms of an emotional investment.

Now let's be honest, by the time you get to the point of going to an RE, you more than likely will need more than just an iui.  It just seems a bit unfair that they aren't considered more important but I guess you have to draw the line somewhere!?!?!?  We have done four cycles with a total of seven iui's and have had three of them work, just not stick!

That's one injustice in the world that I've been thinking about while I've been sitting around waiting.

Buh-bye Lupron!

Since lupron is no longer a character in our story anymore guess what we do now............we wait!

Shocking, I know!

Uhhhhhh more waiting, I don't know how much longer I can wait.  It feels like I've been waiting my whole life to have to wait longer to wait yet again to wait to ttc!!! Did you follow that!?!? Not sure I do, but it is what it is, and add it to the list!!!!!!

After you stop the lupron, it can take 1-3 months to get your period back.  I'm not sure I knew this when I bent over to get the shot, but too late now!  Is it me or does it seem like that would have been a good thing to know before you start a new medicine.  The 3-4 months of shots would have been more like 6-9 months with the amount of time it could have taken to get my period back, my word what a tragedy that would have been.

I'm a little frustrated and feeling defeated bc the RE said we had a very low chance of conceiving naturally, but he wants me to be more emotionally leveled out, so that's the plan. If that doesn't work we will do ivf the following month.  So until then, you got it, we are WAITING!! That's all for now loves!

Rough weekend!

Rough weekend. We have lost two babies maybe three, one at 7 weeks 3 days (considered a miscarriage), one at 5 weeks 3 days ( considered a chemical pregnancy, or very early miscarriage), and one was "probably a chemical pregnancy" at 5 weeks 2 days. Each one was just as difficult, but In about a month will be the first due date.  November 9th will always be a rough day.  My one thought that got me throughout most of the hard days was that I would for sure be pregnant on that day and it would at least be tolerable.  Well that is not going to happen.

From the beginning of us starting fertility treatment I always said, if you tell me I'm going to lose five babies ( not that it would be easier) but at the end I will have a healthy baby, I would be able to do it.  As each positive pregnancy test came and then painfully went, I came to a somewhat peaceful understanding that there are never any guarantees with this process, let alone life.

This weekend I started thinking about what mr. E. And I can do on the first dreaded due date.  I then went online to look what others had done to honor their angles.  This lead me to a miscarriage support group on baby center, and the Into a women's post stated "I'm not ok."   I knew and know exactly about where she was.  There are no words that anyone can say, in fact usually people only make it worse.  Not because they mean to, and only because they care, but many times they don't know what to say.  I too am guilty of these exact phrases that I have said to friends that have lost babies, but I even tried to believe these sayings too.  I found an article that someone wrote that I wished I could have sent to every person who knew about our babies.

Seven things not to say

* "You can always have another one" - it doesn't help much to know you can have another baby. The parents didn't just want any baby, they wanted THAT baby. Before they can think about another one they need to grieve for their lost one. They have lost their hopes and dreams as well.
* "There was probably something wrong with it - it's natures way." This may be true but it is no comfort to hear it. They want to believe it was a perfect baby, and that's who they are grieving for.
* "It's God's will" - People may or may not believe this. Whatever the case, it's still sad. You are better supporting the parents' grief than getting into theology.
* "At least you didn't know the baby - it would have been much worse if it had happened later" - it does not help to minimize and invalidate a miscarriage, it is not the length of the pregnancy, but the strength of the parents' attachment, that determines the intensity of their grief.
* "I know how you feel" - this statement can seem arrogant, even if you have miscarried yourself, as everyone reacts differently. Other losses can compound grief.
* "It wasn't really a baby yet" - that may not be how the parents see it. If it wasn't a baby what was it? To them it was real and they are grieving.
* "You're young, there's plenty of time. If you'd stop focusing on being pregnant so much it will just happen"


Seven helpful things to say

* "I'm so sorry about your Miscarriage." These simple words mean a lot, especially if you allow the Mum or Dad to talk further, or not to talk, as they wish.
* "I know how much you wanted that baby." Here you are simply acknowledging that something precious has been lost, and opening a door to talk more.
* "It's okay to cry." - this can sound like Hollywood but it's reassuring for the Mum or Dad to know they are not being judged for their tears and sadness.
* "Can I call you back next week to see how you are doing?" Often people are sympathetic the first time, then never mention miscarriage again. You can expect the parents to still be grieving for weeks or months, so it is reassuring for them to know your support is ongoing.
* "I was wondering how you are feeling about your miscarriage now" - it's nice for them to have the opportunity to talk about their miscarriage even if it is a long time later and after a successful pregnancy as well. Parents do not forget a miscarriage.
* "I don't really know what to say." The good thing about this is that it is honest. The fact that you are available to listen is what's really important.
* "It must be so awful for you after going through those weeks of IVF treatment to have lost your baby."

Anyways just wanted to share where I am today..... We will see........