IUI #5

We didn't really have an iui so I guess this cycle will just be called half-ass!  We ended up triggering Saturday night, March 29th, at 7pm and the cab picked us up for vacation at 12:15 am, Sunday March 30th! Obviously we didn't do an iui, just au natural and as I expected, it was a big fat negative.  Why would it have worked?  We tried the natural route minus the medicine for 13 months before the RE's route.

I just have no more words (as hard as that may be to believe).   Just annoyed, frustrated, pissed, feel like its so unfair, but in some sick way I'm somehow looking forward to moving onto IVF #2.

Anyways, we spent a magical week in Puerto Vallarta, 82 degrees and sunny everyday.  It was just what the doctor ordered........ except for the negative beta :/

I think everyone should go away right after a cycle because I truly felt alive and normal again.  I could walk around and not have anyone wondering if this would finally be our month, no one was asking how I was with an awkward pause because what they really meant is what is really going on, and no one looking at me with sad eyes.

Today when I went for my beta I asked about the recurrent pregnancy loss panel (RPL).  I thought that I had completed it all but couldn't find the results in my portal or place where all my blood work gets posted.  When I asked the nurse she said I only had about five done so I requested that I have the complete panel done.

The great thing about being with this larger clinic is that one of the doctor is a reproductive immunologist so I also asked if I should consult with her.  The nurse said that she would ask but that they would probably run the rpl panel then when I get pregnant we would consult with the other doctor.  I'm going to ask again when I talk to the nurse again tomorrow, but that's the plan for now.

When we spoke with the doctor after our loss we decided to do a short flare protocol to see how I respond to that, so I have to call the IVF coordinator tomorrow and hopefully know more then.

What's next you may ask!?!?

I have been holding off on posting what is going on because to be quite honest, I didn't know.  We had our consult with the RE last week Tuesday and he said that this was an implantation failure and it could have been numerous different reasons all of which are possible, but all of which will never be known.

In moving forward we could have done an IVF cycle this month, but we are going on vacation and it would be too close in terms of timing.  When we left the office I was okay with the idea that we would take a month off, ttc the good old fashioned way, and just bd when it was time.

Yea well that lasted all of 24 hours before I had talked myself into trying to squeeze in an IUI before we leave. If it all doesn't work out we can always just do TI after trigger.  So today I went in for baselines and started menopur again.

I don't know if this is the right answer
I don't know if my body can handle it
I don't know if emotionally I can do this
I don't know if this cycle will result in a live birth
but I do know that not trying would be more difficult than failing again.

This cycle was kinda thrown together half-assly (if that's not a word then sorry) but nonetheless we are going full force ahead!  I think I would rather have a lot of shitty months in a row then alot of shitty months spread out, so that's my reasoning for now, it's what's getting me up in the morning and it's what helps me fall asleep at night.  We shell see!

New Year......New Hope!?!?

This year we have learned and in the same beat been through a lot.  We learned that we can get pregnant via medicated iui's however we loss pregnancies very easily.

I learned to love Mr. E so much more.  He is truly my rock......... that is only if we agree on what I want or think is the right way to go :)

We learned that I have stage IV endometriosis, which is hopefully the reason we are having trouble keeping the pregnancies.

We learned that I have hashimoto's which is now treated with daily medication.

We (I) have tried so many different things to help us reach our goal of a healthy pregnancy.  I've done herbs, acupuncture, different doctors, naturopaths, food sensitivity testing, everything under the sun and I'll keep trying until something works.  I've opened my eyes to practices I previously would have disregarded as a waste of time, and I've enjoyed learning new things.

This year has brought us a lot of hope, but also a lot of sorrow.  We know we can get pregnant, however We have lost one baby at 7w4d, one at 5w4d, and one possibly at 5wd3.  All in five months.

I learned that I can inject myself with the scary needles.

I've learned to be okay with numerous people looking and placing things into my you know what.

I no longer fear blood draws........ well actually that is a lie.  I am only at ease with them if Gia, the blood draw goddess, is waiting for me with the butterfly needle, otherwise I am fearful!!!


I have learned that I can wait if I really try.  It's kind of similar to looking back and thinking, well those three months flew by, but each day was very long and felt like it was so slowwwwwww.  But always in retrospect it was much easier than actually living each second.

I've also learned that above most I want one healthy child.  Before I had dreamed of having 2-4 children, but now I would be happy with one.

This coming year brings a lot of unknowns and I know it will not be easy. I'm ready to hop back on the infertility roller coaster and get the show on the road.  I am going to try to relinquish some of the control and see what happens.  

Fertility Clinic 101 - Big or Small?

When we were initially looking at fertility clinic and reproductive endocrinologists or RE's we went to 4 different doctors, two at big clinics and two at small clinics.  I was very thorough, or so I thought, and asked all the same questions to each doctor to compare what they said.  Being new to this, I didn't really know what to look for or what to ask, and we truly chose the RE and clinic on which one doctor we felt most comfortable with and which made us feel most at ease.  That is how we initially chose the doctor we wanted to start our journey with.

We decided to start with a smaller clinic with one doctor and two offices.  I thought that this would be for me, and what I needed, but it wasn't.  I think this could work for some, and while it did have its positives, for me it had too many draw backs.  There was only one nurse at my office.  Now having one nurse can be extremely appealing, however that meant that I had to leave voicemails every time I called, and she had to call me back.  I am not very good at waiting, and I guess I could be described as at little impulsive, unlike Mr. E who likes to ponder things forever.... before taking action.  So for me that wasn't ideal.   It also meant that she was the only one that I ever spoke to, which I didn't prefer, as she was not always in the best mood, and I felt like I annoyed her with my petty, nonstop questions.  We also had to travel to the city (one hour drive there) for all procedures (iui's and high tech ultrasounds), so that wasn't ideal either.  One more issue was that when my doctor would go abroad to teach classes or whatever he was doing, that meant nothing could happen, we literally were going to have to wait a cycle because he was gone for a month and that was just frustrating.

We are now with a larger clinic, with six doctors but only three work out of the location I go to.  I am much more comfortable there.  While it's not perfect, and I don't expect anything to be, for me it's just a much better fit.  I always speak to someone, the hours are better, I know what days the nice nurses work ;), and I've even been able to see the doctor between blood work and "the magic wand!!"

In retrospect, picking a clinic purely on the doctor is not what you want to do.  With that being said, our first clinic did give us a lot of hope, knowledge, and taught me that I really do need to be proactive because I am my best advocate.

IUI's are a big deal!

I'm gonna let ya all in on a little secret! Doing iui's is not considered a big deal in the RE world.  However, to me, each and every one we did felt like a big deal.  For the last two we even did injectables, just like if we were doing Ivf! Maybe I was naive in the beginning, but I'm not anymore and I think it's unfair that they aren't more important.  I get that they cost way less than Ivf from a monetary standpoint, but they are equal in terms of an emotional investment.

Now let's be honest, by the time you get to the point of going to an RE, you more than likely will need more than just an iui.  It just seems a bit unfair that they aren't considered more important but I guess you have to draw the line somewhere!?!?!?  We have done four cycles with a total of seven iui's and have had three of them work, just not stick!

That's one injustice in the world that I've been thinking about while I've been sitting around waiting.