Christmas Questions!

Everyone keeps asking if my Christmas shopping done, what I want for Christmas, and what are we doing for the holidays, and I just smile because if I don't........ I'm gonna cry.  I think the emotional side of this feeling is caused by many factors, one of which is that I FINALLY woke up to my lovely period! I literally said a prayer to God for this blessing in disguise because it returns a sense of hope and encouragement that maybe, there is a slight possibility, a slim chance that we will have a family someday. However, the disguise is the pain that is occurring in my lower region!  It feels like someone stabbed a fork into both ovaries and is twisting, similar to trying to twist spaghetti onto a fork, thank you endometriosis!  And in typical fashion I get it three days before Christmas, but hey, it's better than sitting around waiting, I've done enough of that for a while.  I'm anxious to call the RE tomorrow and spill the beans that I'm back in the game!!!!!!

Ok now back to Christmas!  I feel like I will never be all done shopping because the one person I was most excited to be with and spend this year with will not be here. This person will never know the joy of waking up and running to the tree to look for presents.  This person will never know what a great family he or she had, or what our family traditions are.  They won't even be able know the real reason for this holiday.  This person was taken away as quickly as he or she was given.  While the Christmas season has a magical sense, I will still long for the time and traditions that we would have started had our baby been born.  I am sad and excited.  Sad for the things that won't be but excited to begin to move forward with starting our family.

It seems like our baby is over looked and forgotten about, but I often think about him or her.  At family parties it's rarely brought up or talked about.  No one asks anymore how we are doing or how we are coping.  No one even thinks about what would have been different.  I can't blame anyone or obsess over it but I do.  I know I'm not alone in feeling this way but it feels like a secret that just keeps getting shoved under the rug.  I hope I can make it through the next few days without being a Debbie downer, but time will only tell.

So to answer the non stop questions, no I'm not done shopping and  never will be because I won't be shopping for the one person I wanted to this year.

I want something I will never get for Christmas, a baby!

And we are doing the exact same thing we always do for Christmas, there haven't been any new traditions started, maybe next year!