He's Here

Our baby boy entered this world six months ago, January 10th 2015.

He is a happy and healthy little man and our dream of having a living child has come true.  There were so many nights I would cry at the thought that maybe I wasn't put on this earth to be a mother or that maybe I wasn't worthy enough.  I now know that wasn't true and that I was worthy.... God extended pure joy, perfection, and love into our lives and his name is Jude! 

His birth story will be in another post I promise!

He is truly a blessing, the light at the end of the tunnel, our rainbow at the end of a storm after the long journey we have been on, but worth every tear of frustration, loss, and sorrow.  

We love you Jude-bug! Thanks for the honor of being your mommy! 

IVF #2 Week 28

So I haven't written in a while and I am so sorry. While I do believe this blog has allowed me to vent, distress, get some stuff off my shoulders, and just ramble, I also feel horrible for not continuing it like I had been doing before, when I really needed it.  I dropped it when I was to busy.

In my defense though, I started back to school, teaching, in a new position and it has been all time, mind, and energy consuming.  I'm finally getting into a routine and it feels great.  I love my new job and love being able to teach 46 kindergarteners each day.  They are learning and growing every second, just like our little guy.....

You heard that correctly, we are growing a little man! I guessed it would be a boy, but Mr. E. thought girl.  I am one of two girls, and I have four girl cousins and one boy cousin, so boys weren't really our thing.  The first thing my mom said was, "what are we going to do with a boy". I was initially offended, obviously, but I was definitely nervously thinking that!

Guess it will just be new for all of us!

I don't even know where to begin but that we are 28 weeks, going on 29.  I honestly didn't know if we would or could ever get to this point but somehow here we are.  About 2 months ago I finally let myself begin to process that we may, I repeat, may have a baby with us.  In the fertility world, or maybe just my world, I am and was so nervous that if I believed in a cycle or pregnancy that I would jinx it and it wouldn't happen.  I can truthfully say now that as I feel him move and kick around that there is a great possibility that this may really happen!

So let's back track......

I continued to spot through 15 weeks then it slowly stared to tapper off.  All of our testing (quad p, 13 week, and 20 week) has come back normal so that is a huge relief.

At 23 weeks we think I lost my mucus plug as I had some chunks come out on that Sunday.  I didn't call until Monday where they rushed me in, did a few cultures, and set me up on the fetal monitoring thing and sure enough I was having contractions. I spend the afternoon in labor and delivery (l&d) and my fetal fibronectine (fft) came back positive.  Apparently a negative is a better indicator and what they are looking for, as it means you won't deliver in the next 7-10 days, a positive means you have a 20% chance of delivering, so not good but also not the end of the world.

I then got a shot to stop the contractions and it worked. Everything was still closed and high so I went home with minimal directions but to go directly back if I had more than 5 contractions in an hour.

Well........ We returned that Wednesday, two days later, because I was having about 6 an hour.  I got another shot, another positive fft, but everything was closed and high, thank goodness.  While I contracted once after the shot I was sent home to rest but not be on bed rest.

I went to the doctor the next Monday and we concluded that this will probably just be my new normal.  I will have these contractions for the rest of the pregnancy and unless I have a lot of pressure or bleeding it is probably ok.  So since then I've been having them pretty regularly at about 6-20 minutes apart and there doesn't seem to be a rhyme or reason.

While I threw the word braxton hicks out there one doctor said yes, my doctor said probably.  In all honesty I wish that he would just say yes because that would make me feel better! I see him at my next apt so I'll press him for an answer!

Medically that's about all I have, we started the nursery after the scare, neither Mr. E. nor I wanted to start it because we were nervous we would jinx it, but we did.  We have one shower in two weeks and then another in December.  It's truly a dream to be here , where we are today...... And I thank god everyday.

IVF # 2 13w5d

I think we are finally over the spotting phase, although there is still a small spot of blood in my uterus.  On Thursday night, so two days after my last ultra, the red gushing started again, however this time it lasted all night and into the morning.  I can't believe I lasted all night and into the morning  without calling but I guess I'm getting better with it all!?!?

I was able to sneak into the doctors office and baby a's sac appeared to have ruptured and baby b was doing well.  Thank goodness!

Then on Tuesday I had my last official RE appointment and I have now officially graduated from them to my OB!  I cannot believe we are at this point.  I literally thought that I would never carry a baby to this point,  but here we are.

Now don't get me wrong, every single morning I wake up and think that I will lose this baby, I still stress about each twinge, cramp, or pain that I feel.  I still can barely let my mind get to the point of the future. But my head is finally allowing my brain to drift a bit into future thoughts.  It's exciting but so scary at the same time.

The plan: I went to the OB Monday, so before getting released from the immunologist/RE, and he was awesome.  He said I could come in weekly if that would help, or whatever I needed to feel confident with this pregnancy.  I feel so much more comfortable switching to them then I thought I would.  I am going to try and be strong and wait two weeks, but knowing I can call for a quick heart rate check helps sooooo much!

On a side note my best friend, who was three weeks behind me with her first (after only 2 months of trying...... I was so jealous) just found out she lost their baby.  She had a d&c today and I just feel horrible because I know the hurt from the loss of an angel... Please keep them in your thoughts and prayers

IVF #2 13 weeks!

This past week has proved to be yet another stressful week.

On Friday I started spotting brown again, but the nurse had said that it would probably continue to happen as baby a's sac continues to drain.  So fine I try not to freak out but I went to the bathroom like every hour........ Day and night....

Then Sunday night I start gushing bright red.  I had gone to the bathroom and the entire toilet was red.  I cleaned up then went to explain to Mr. E. what was going on and all of a sudden I felt another gush coming.  I ran to the bathroom and it happened again however when I wipes again it was brown....... So odd

I waited a few more minutes went back and it was only red when I wiped so I broke down and called the nurse on call and thank goodness it was a nurse from the immunologists office so I didn't need to explain much.  She said the same old same old....... She suspected baby a but obviously she wasn't  100% positive as she can't see what is going on.

So I held tight and and waited until the morning and then called the office.  They said I could come in on Monday or wait for my appointment Tuesday, which is what I did.

Everything was perfect on the ultra and baby b was jumping around like crazy so that was reassuring.  They are pretty positive the spotting, both brown and red, are baby a and once the sac is gone the spotting should stop.  It's still happening today, which will make it a week of straight spotting, but as long as that baby is growing and still living I'm fine with spotting.

We are still waiting on the anatomy scan bloodwork to come back but everything on the ultra looked good.  I meet with my OB next week however am not released from the immunologist yet, which again, I am fine with.  They know what to look for and they know the risk factors.

IVF #2 11w5d

Longest ultrasound ever until I finally looked at the nurse, I couldn't see the doctor who was doing it because she was below the paper sheet, but I just looked at her after what felt like 10 minutes and she gave me a thumbs up! Both my mom and I started balling, and they let us hear the heart beat instead of just seeing it.  Then Mr. E came in and we got to see the baby dancing around!  It was so cool.

Baby a's sac is sitting right on my cervix, which in turn is causing the brown spotting.  They said to expect more and not to worry if it continues to happen, yeah right!

I spoke to the immunologist about getting into my OB for an anatomy scan, because it has to be done between 12-13 weeks and she said to do it, even though I am not released from them yet.  I called and scheduled it, but before I can see the OB I have to see a nurse THEN I can see the doctor.

I almost lost it on the poor lady scheduling my apts.  I get that they have a procedure, however I see a doctor weekly right now, is it really necessary to see the nurse....... If they are going to do blood work like betas, progesterone, and estrogen I am going to refuse, I can give them the last 3 months labs.......

I was super annoyed but whatever!

So I see the nurse tomorrow, then Friday I have the anatomy scan, next Tuesday I go to the immunologist for maybe my last time, and then the following Monday see my OB! Everything is moving quickly and I'm anxious for it all to happen!

IVF #2 10w6d

Happy 4th of July! I am sorry I didn't write earlier but we were supposed to leave from my ultrasound and drive straight up to Michigan however I needed to get some blood drawn for my gastro (from all the diarrhea) so we went home to do that.  It's just been a crazy few days.

Ultra went well baby's hb was 154 and moving around so the doc couldn't get a very good measurement on it.  She said all looks good so we will just run with that.

I was stating to feel really good about it all, maybe this actually will work, maybe we will for once be able to have a living child.... But that feeling lasted about 48 hours until I woke up with spotting again...... Thought my world was ending.

I immediately called, they were closed, so I thought I would just wait. It was brown so that meant old blood, but it was also clotty which I didn't like.  So I ended up calling the answering service and then a nurse called me back.  She was sweet, actually the head IVF nurse, and said just to take it easy, lay down, feet up, which should alleviate some pressure on the cervix and uterus so that's what I tired to do.

I still have a bit more today but it seems to be lessening, thank goodness!

I know that I won't be comfortable or believe it until this baby is out, if that is how this is going to end....

Nervously waiting until Wednesday

IVF #2 9w6d

Yet again I thought I our baby was doomed.  I feel great, I have had VERY minimal nausea, no morning sickness, and I am just tired!  While I am so thankful for this perk, it makes me so nervous each week when I go in for my ultrasound because it could be the day that we lose this pregnancy too.

I also have had horrible diarrhea since Saturday and some sharp lower abdominal cramping that usually turns into gas, but still.......

Everything looked great, baby b's heart rate was 171 bpm and grew exactly one week.  Baby a is starting to reabsorb but the sac is still exactly the same.  Not sure when that will completely be gone.

We are officially stopping estrogen patches, progesterone, and prednisone which is great news,  but of course that makes me nervous!

We are still checking NK killers each week and APA to hopefully stop the lovenox.  For the NK killers my level did rise last week (11 so on the upper side of normal) so we may need another infusion after this week.

I will go to they immunologist through 12 weeks then be released to my OB, however I will need to have the NK killer checked each month to make sure it's all ok!

IVF #2 8w5d

I'm not 100% sure but I think I pee when the magic wand is inserted!!!!! Is that normal!?!?  Obviously no one says anything and I am NOT asking, but just wanted to throw that out there!

Today went well, I was a nervous wreck as usual, but our baby b is growing perfectly and the heartrate was 174 so right on track!  It is still measuring three days behind but they said not to worry as it is growing exactly on par per weeks.  The doctor said if everything continues to go as perfectly as it is now (thank God) that we can start to taper off meds next week!  Baby a has stopped growing but still there :( no heartbeat as is the slight bleeding that is probably being absorbed because I haven't had any more spotting.

I am so happy but still have this crazy fear that something is going to happen.  I still don't think I will be ok until this baby is in my arms and that is so sad.

My whole life all I have wanted is to be a mom, be pregnant, and love every second of it.  I am so on edge at all times, I analyze the toilet paper, and cringe at every cramp.......I feel awesome so that makes me nervous and I haven't had any morning sickness, which again is great but makes me even more anxious........

I know I need to relax and take it one day at a time but wayyyyyy easier said than done!

We go back next week Wednesday so until then...... I'll try to be zen!

IVF #2 7w5d Bittersweet

Bittersweet is the combination of bitterness, which seems to be a common trend in our life lately, and sweetness, which we are only beginning to taste.

Today was bitter because baby A no longer has a heart rate and probably stopped growing about four days ago :(

Today was sweet because baby b is growing perfectly with a strong heartbeat.

I feel so torn.....

While I knew that our "luck" would be running out at some point, because let's be honest when you reach the IF world most of your "luck" is gone, but I just wished it wouldn't be at the expense of a growing baby.

I feel like my body has once again betrayed me, but what else is new......

On the flip side, I do feel so happy to have baby b growing and thriving and that is what I need to continue to focus on.

I do still have quite a bit of blood around baby a which the immunologist said will either continue to drain out or will be reabsorbed by my body as well as baby a.

I go back in a week for another scan and maybe we can stop the lovenox due to the bleeding.

IVF # 2 6w6d

Oh my, today was so very stressful.

I went to the restroom around 10:15 and there was some brown spotting on the tp and brown clots..... I almost died.  I immediately called the immunologist's nurse as the doctor is out of town.  I had to leave a message which killed me but she called back within 15 minutes, thank goodness.

She said there wasn't much to do but hold tight unless I wanted to go into the other office (original) but she didn't recommend that.  I then told her that I had to, especially because we are going out of town for the weekend.

She called the other office and then they called me.  I left work immediately and went.  I was certain it was over, that we had lost both.  I cried the whole way there then had to wait like 30 minutes but.... Both babies are there with almost exactly the same heart rate!  They are measuring one day apart and four days behind, but they weren't too concerned with the sizes as they both had heart beats.  I almost fell off the table.

I do have some bleeding in my uterus around baby A and will need to take it very easy over the next few days, which is actually possible because school ended today!

Until I get to see these babies again on Tuesday I will be sitting on pins and needles......

IVF # 2 6 Weeks

Ok so we didn't lose the pregnancy and we saw a heartbeat!  It was a glorious moment and one more step closer to delivering a living child!

On a side note there was another baby (baby A) measuring about a week behind so the doctor says that it is not viable and will not effect the other baby (baby B) at all.  Mr. E asked if there was any way the other baby A would make it and the doctor said it's very unlikely, but we are just so glad to have the one!  It's hard to be upset when we didn't even know there were two!

My big question is at what point do you stop worrying?  I still am so nervous about everything I do, every cramp, twing, or weird pressure AND I still look for blood every.single.time.i.go.to.the.bathroom!

I said that I was very nervous to the doctor and she said that I should be since it's our fifth pregnancy with so many losses and in some sick way that put me at ease..... I like that she gets it, there is no sugar coating or hand holding, just straight facts.  I really like her, however I don't like the location of the office!  The nurses said that both doctors, my original and the immunologist, want to monitor me so they are going to have to have a conversation of who will be doing it.

Now we wait 10 loooooooooong days until our next ultra/blood!

Today ended up being a much better day than I had expected and another milestone checked off!

IVF # 2 5w5d

Our second beta last Wednesday more than doubled, so that up was a great relief, but......... I'm convinced we lost this pregnancy...

No I have no proof
No I haven't had any spotting
No there is no real explanation but just pure fear.....

I just feel it.  My boobs aren't as sore as I remember them being BUT I have horrible indigestion that I didn't have the last pregnancy that was about this long.  I am having some strong lower abdominal pain/cramping only at night BUT then I have gas and it is relieved for a bit, so maybe I'm just being paranoid.  I guess I'd rather prepare for the worst than have my heart ripped out of my body yet again.

I still haven't looked up our estimated due date (edd), I literally cannot bring myself to do that because then it will be real.  I also am trying to think one day at a time, but that is just way more difficult than I thought.

I go back Thursday for my next ultra/blood and I am so uneasy.

Please Lord let this one stick and give me the streghth and courage to get to Thursday.

IVF #2 Reproductive Immunologist Consultation

Intralipids...... Yes I just had my first infusion.  We didn't know if I 100% needed it or not but the labs take a week to come back so we just bit the bullet and did it.  The infusion will help keep the NK killers at bay if they are elevated.  We were too nervous not to do it and then run the risk of losing this pregnancy over doing it and not ending up needing it.  It won't hurt anything if I didn't need it but it can only help if I did!

I really liked the doctor, she was great.  Also the nurses were amazing! We got to see our singleton bean! Measuring right on track, 4 weeks 5 days!  Didn't look like much, but it felt good to see that we have an implantation success and now we just have to get that number to double then I will hopefully be able to breath a bit more easier!

Our plan to move forward is that I need to go see this doctor every......... Single....... Week until the first trimester is over.  They want to check blood every week along with ultrasounds to ensure everything is going ok..

Only bad part is that the office is an hour away.  I guess it's good that this is happening now because I will only have to take off one more 1/2 day then it will be summer so we should be good!  Now I have to go figure out which in network lab will do this certain blood test so that we don't have to pay out of pocket........ Let's the games begin!

IVF #2 Beta #1

Beta is in.......... 377.4

I was certain this cycle was a bust.  I have been POAS since Thursday and the lines haven't been getting drastically darker.  So that still has me a bit nervous but I am just going to take one day at a time.  Today I am thankful that I have the honor of having one (or two) blasties hopefully growing!  I get to go back Wednesday to see what my numbers are doing.

In the mean time, tomorrow I am going to see the reproductive immunologist and then Wednesday afternoon I go meet with the endocrinologist.  My tsh was 2.35, so it's rising but still in the normal range so I'm going to have them test again soon.

I of course am overcome with pure terror that we will lose them, but this seems to be a stronger number than we have had in the past so maybe, just maybe this is the one.

Now I just need nine more months of good news..........

IVF #2 3dp5dt

I never thought I was going to be able to say 5dt, but BAM, there it is!

Pretty cool

I stalked the doctors to get my exact numbers for the RPL panel and it looks like only three tests came up abnormal

-anti TPO antibodies         494 (0-35)
-CD4- t helpers.                  58.9 ( normal 30-52)
-NK cell activatn.                11.3 (normal 10)

The last two aren't too high but they are elevated, so hopefully the prednisone will help.

I am going to meet with the immunologist RE in my practice on 5/20, a day after my beta.  Of course I have been scrounging the internet for all the information that I can get my hands or rather eyes on and there isn't much out there.  The good news is that the NK cells seem to be ok as I have found numerous ranges that state that 12 is still considered normal so I will just wait until I hear what the doctor has to say.

IVF #2 Frosties

Really good news!

The embryologist just called and we have two blastocysts going to freeze!  Yesterday we were so torn as to if we did the right thing only transferring two, but I can confidently say today that I know we did.  We really hadn't wanted to only freeze one but now we get to freeze two!

One is of great quality, one is fair but she said they have seen a lot of fair embryos make beautiful children, so that is fab!!  I'll take it!!!

Ok now back to my lazy day

IVF #2 Transfer

Alright..... Today was a bit stressful.

For starters the embryologist's don't look at the embryos until the day of the transfer, so that meant that we showed up today with no further update than we had six fertilized eggs.  Being the pessimist I am, I was positive we wouldn't have any eggs left so I was so nervous until we saw a picture of two blastocysts on the paper.  Relief only lasted a few more seconds

We then found out we had one more egg (total of three) that was in the day 4 stages/day of growth.  Fabulous! She then went on to explain that they would continue to grow it until tomorrow then freeze.

Here's the report ended up retrieving 8 eggs/6 mature/6 fertilized/2-3 blastocysts at day 5/ transferred 2 day 5

Mr. E. and I had already decided that if we were in this situation we would prefer to transfer all three, however the head embryologist and our doctor said they both highly discouraged us to do this.  I'll get back to the head embryologist in a different post, but we were both so very torn with what to do.

On one hand we knew triplet would be a huge commitment, but we could do twins.  The twins rate when transferring two is one in five transfers and when you transfer three the twins rate goes up to four in five transfers, but the last couple of transfers they did with three ended up in triplets.

So....... We only transferred two.  I am still torn with this decision.

If we would have had four it would have been a clear - use two, freeze two, but that's not the hand we were dealt.

We are going to wait until day 6 to see if the last egg continues to grow and turn into a blastocyst then they will call us and we will freeze it.

My reasoning behind transferring all three was
1.) The last one is already behind, who knows if it will make it so why not just transfer it and see what happens.
2.) We have already lost so much why not try all three and maybe one will stick
3.) Freezing is so expensive is it worth only freezing one?  Would we even want to transfer only one?  What if we do freeze and it doesn't thaw did we just waste a baby?

When I came out from the transfer the first thing Mr. E. Said was "was that the right decision!"  I hope we made the right decision

For now PUPO.......

IVF #2 Retrieval

Back home resting after the ER.  The IV was a horrible experience, my left thumb and pointer finger are still numb...... I was so mad at the nurse, but on the good side we got 7 eggs, which is two more than last time, so that is a positive.

Now we wait for the phone call in how many were mature and how many fertilized.

I'm not having much pain from the actual procedure, just having a lot of lower abdominal cramping which is different than the last time.

I am feeling really nervous about all of this.  I think I am most fearful of it not working, or losing another one.  I just hate that there are no guarantees...... But that's life

Literally going to be sitting by my phone waiting........

IVF #2 Trigger

Today is the day.  We get to trigger tonight at 11 and ER is Thursday at 10!  Feels good to know what is going on.

My estrogen is lower that last time, but I have more visible eggs!?! Don't get that as the mature eggs produce the estrogen but I'll just go with it.

IVF # 2 Stim Day 11

One

More

Night

This morning the nurse said she was 99% sure that I would trigger tonight........... But in typical fashion, nothing goes as planned and I will be stimming one more night, tonight, then triggering tomorrow.

That biotch, estrogen, didn't rise as much as it should have, so waiting it is.

I am pretty frustrated because I love to know what is going on in my life, in fact you may say I have a type a personality.  I love control, I love to be able to plan, obses over the numbers, and use goggle to analyze every number that I get.

This whole process has stripped that ability to control away from me.  While I still obses, plan, and analyze, I am not able to control.  I know that this is the biggest issue that I have to work on but it is soooooo hard to not try.

With that being said, I know I have to trust.  I have to trust that the doctors know what to do.  I am not a doctor, nor am I a medical researcher.  I know that we want more eggs, so holding out until more mature is the right answer, but I also don't want to lose any.

Trust....... Trust....... Trust....

Same regiment

PM
300 Bravelle
225 Menopur
40 mg Lovenox
Baby aspirin
250 Ganirelix