He's Here

Our baby boy entered this world six months ago, January 10th 2015.

He is a happy and healthy little man and our dream of having a living child has come true.  There were so many nights I would cry at the thought that maybe I wasn't put on this earth to be a mother or that maybe I wasn't worthy enough.  I now know that wasn't true and that I was worthy.... God extended pure joy, perfection, and love into our lives and his name is Jude! 

His birth story will be in another post I promise!

He is truly a blessing, the light at the end of the tunnel, our rainbow at the end of a storm after the long journey we have been on, but worth every tear of frustration, loss, and sorrow.  

We love you Jude-bug! Thanks for the honor of being your mommy! 

IVF #2 Week 28

So I haven't written in a while and I am so sorry. While I do believe this blog has allowed me to vent, distress, get some stuff off my shoulders, and just ramble, I also feel horrible for not continuing it like I had been doing before, when I really needed it.  I dropped it when I was to busy.

In my defense though, I started back to school, teaching, in a new position and it has been all time, mind, and energy consuming.  I'm finally getting into a routine and it feels great.  I love my new job and love being able to teach 46 kindergarteners each day.  They are learning and growing every second, just like our little guy.....

You heard that correctly, we are growing a little man! I guessed it would be a boy, but Mr. E. thought girl.  I am one of two girls, and I have four girl cousins and one boy cousin, so boys weren't really our thing.  The first thing my mom said was, "what are we going to do with a boy". I was initially offended, obviously, but I was definitely nervously thinking that!

Guess it will just be new for all of us!

I don't even know where to begin but that we are 28 weeks, going on 29.  I honestly didn't know if we would or could ever get to this point but somehow here we are.  About 2 months ago I finally let myself begin to process that we may, I repeat, may have a baby with us.  In the fertility world, or maybe just my world, I am and was so nervous that if I believed in a cycle or pregnancy that I would jinx it and it wouldn't happen.  I can truthfully say now that as I feel him move and kick around that there is a great possibility that this may really happen!

So let's back track......

I continued to spot through 15 weeks then it slowly stared to tapper off.  All of our testing (quad p, 13 week, and 20 week) has come back normal so that is a huge relief.

At 23 weeks we think I lost my mucus plug as I had some chunks come out on that Sunday.  I didn't call until Monday where they rushed me in, did a few cultures, and set me up on the fetal monitoring thing and sure enough I was having contractions. I spend the afternoon in labor and delivery (l&d) and my fetal fibronectine (fft) came back positive.  Apparently a negative is a better indicator and what they are looking for, as it means you won't deliver in the next 7-10 days, a positive means you have a 20% chance of delivering, so not good but also not the end of the world.

I then got a shot to stop the contractions and it worked. Everything was still closed and high so I went home with minimal directions but to go directly back if I had more than 5 contractions in an hour.

Well........ We returned that Wednesday, two days later, because I was having about 6 an hour.  I got another shot, another positive fft, but everything was closed and high, thank goodness.  While I contracted once after the shot I was sent home to rest but not be on bed rest.

I went to the doctor the next Monday and we concluded that this will probably just be my new normal.  I will have these contractions for the rest of the pregnancy and unless I have a lot of pressure or bleeding it is probably ok.  So since then I've been having them pretty regularly at about 6-20 minutes apart and there doesn't seem to be a rhyme or reason.

While I threw the word braxton hicks out there one doctor said yes, my doctor said probably.  In all honesty I wish that he would just say yes because that would make me feel better! I see him at my next apt so I'll press him for an answer!

Medically that's about all I have, we started the nursery after the scare, neither Mr. E. nor I wanted to start it because we were nervous we would jinx it, but we did.  We have one shower in two weeks and then another in December.  It's truly a dream to be here , where we are today...... And I thank god everyday.

IVF # 2 13w5d

I think we are finally over the spotting phase, although there is still a small spot of blood in my uterus.  On Thursday night, so two days after my last ultra, the red gushing started again, however this time it lasted all night and into the morning.  I can't believe I lasted all night and into the morning  without calling but I guess I'm getting better with it all!?!?

I was able to sneak into the doctors office and baby a's sac appeared to have ruptured and baby b was doing well.  Thank goodness!

Then on Tuesday I had my last official RE appointment and I have now officially graduated from them to my OB!  I cannot believe we are at this point.  I literally thought that I would never carry a baby to this point,  but here we are.

Now don't get me wrong, every single morning I wake up and think that I will lose this baby, I still stress about each twinge, cramp, or pain that I feel.  I still can barely let my mind get to the point of the future. But my head is finally allowing my brain to drift a bit into future thoughts.  It's exciting but so scary at the same time.

The plan: I went to the OB Monday, so before getting released from the immunologist/RE, and he was awesome.  He said I could come in weekly if that would help, or whatever I needed to feel confident with this pregnancy.  I feel so much more comfortable switching to them then I thought I would.  I am going to try and be strong and wait two weeks, but knowing I can call for a quick heart rate check helps sooooo much!

On a side note my best friend, who was three weeks behind me with her first (after only 2 months of trying...... I was so jealous) just found out she lost their baby.  She had a d&c today and I just feel horrible because I know the hurt from the loss of an angel... Please keep them in your thoughts and prayers

IVF #2 13 weeks!

This past week has proved to be yet another stressful week.

On Friday I started spotting brown again, but the nurse had said that it would probably continue to happen as baby a's sac continues to drain.  So fine I try not to freak out but I went to the bathroom like every hour........ Day and night....

Then Sunday night I start gushing bright red.  I had gone to the bathroom and the entire toilet was red.  I cleaned up then went to explain to Mr. E. what was going on and all of a sudden I felt another gush coming.  I ran to the bathroom and it happened again however when I wipes again it was brown....... So odd

I waited a few more minutes went back and it was only red when I wiped so I broke down and called the nurse on call and thank goodness it was a nurse from the immunologists office so I didn't need to explain much.  She said the same old same old....... She suspected baby a but obviously she wasn't  100% positive as she can't see what is going on.

So I held tight and and waited until the morning and then called the office.  They said I could come in on Monday or wait for my appointment Tuesday, which is what I did.

Everything was perfect on the ultra and baby b was jumping around like crazy so that was reassuring.  They are pretty positive the spotting, both brown and red, are baby a and once the sac is gone the spotting should stop.  It's still happening today, which will make it a week of straight spotting, but as long as that baby is growing and still living I'm fine with spotting.

We are still waiting on the anatomy scan bloodwork to come back but everything on the ultra looked good.  I meet with my OB next week however am not released from the immunologist yet, which again, I am fine with.  They know what to look for and they know the risk factors.

IVF #2 11w5d

Longest ultrasound ever until I finally looked at the nurse, I couldn't see the doctor who was doing it because she was below the paper sheet, but I just looked at her after what felt like 10 minutes and she gave me a thumbs up! Both my mom and I started balling, and they let us hear the heart beat instead of just seeing it.  Then Mr. E came in and we got to see the baby dancing around!  It was so cool.

Baby a's sac is sitting right on my cervix, which in turn is causing the brown spotting.  They said to expect more and not to worry if it continues to happen, yeah right!

I spoke to the immunologist about getting into my OB for an anatomy scan, because it has to be done between 12-13 weeks and she said to do it, even though I am not released from them yet.  I called and scheduled it, but before I can see the OB I have to see a nurse THEN I can see the doctor.

I almost lost it on the poor lady scheduling my apts.  I get that they have a procedure, however I see a doctor weekly right now, is it really necessary to see the nurse....... If they are going to do blood work like betas, progesterone, and estrogen I am going to refuse, I can give them the last 3 months labs.......

I was super annoyed but whatever!

So I see the nurse tomorrow, then Friday I have the anatomy scan, next Tuesday I go to the immunologist for maybe my last time, and then the following Monday see my OB! Everything is moving quickly and I'm anxious for it all to happen!

IVF #2 10w6d

Happy 4th of July! I am sorry I didn't write earlier but we were supposed to leave from my ultrasound and drive straight up to Michigan however I needed to get some blood drawn for my gastro (from all the diarrhea) so we went home to do that.  It's just been a crazy few days.

Ultra went well baby's hb was 154 and moving around so the doc couldn't get a very good measurement on it.  She said all looks good so we will just run with that.

I was stating to feel really good about it all, maybe this actually will work, maybe we will for once be able to have a living child.... But that feeling lasted about 48 hours until I woke up with spotting again...... Thought my world was ending.

I immediately called, they were closed, so I thought I would just wait. It was brown so that meant old blood, but it was also clotty which I didn't like.  So I ended up calling the answering service and then a nurse called me back.  She was sweet, actually the head IVF nurse, and said just to take it easy, lay down, feet up, which should alleviate some pressure on the cervix and uterus so that's what I tired to do.

I still have a bit more today but it seems to be lessening, thank goodness!

I know that I won't be comfortable or believe it until this baby is out, if that is how this is going to end....

Nervously waiting until Wednesday

IVF #2 9w6d

Yet again I thought I our baby was doomed.  I feel great, I have had VERY minimal nausea, no morning sickness, and I am just tired!  While I am so thankful for this perk, it makes me so nervous each week when I go in for my ultrasound because it could be the day that we lose this pregnancy too.

I also have had horrible diarrhea since Saturday and some sharp lower abdominal cramping that usually turns into gas, but still.......

Everything looked great, baby b's heart rate was 171 bpm and grew exactly one week.  Baby a is starting to reabsorb but the sac is still exactly the same.  Not sure when that will completely be gone.

We are officially stopping estrogen patches, progesterone, and prednisone which is great news,  but of course that makes me nervous!

We are still checking NK killers each week and APA to hopefully stop the lovenox.  For the NK killers my level did rise last week (11 so on the upper side of normal) so we may need another infusion after this week.

I will go to they immunologist through 12 weeks then be released to my OB, however I will need to have the NK killer checked each month to make sure it's all ok!